There were a lot of terms used to define my marriage while Garth and I were separated.  A lot of the terms were used by Garth, his therapist, my sister, Katy, and many more who knew us well enough.  Mostly, the word "toxic"  and occasionally, "addicted".  I remember being so angry when anyone would amount my marriage to these negative words.  I did not believe them, I really felt like that was the complete opposite way to define my love for him.  I was most certain those words did not even belong in the dictionary regarding our relationship.

Through our separation I would go to my sister's house every Thursday to watch So You Think You Can Dance.  It sounds silly, but for me, it was like therapy.  I grew up using dance as a tool for expression.  I have danced my whole life, and strongly relate to nearly all Contemporary dance.  It is my absolute favorite of all forms.  My favorite choreographer is Mia Michaels, I absolutely adore her and when I choreographed always tried to emulate her.  Anyway, during the separation Mia had choreographed this piece that was just beautiful.  After watching it, my sister stated that, that performance summed up Garth and I's entire marriage.  I was pretty offended.  I mean, who wants to admit such a horrible truth?  We watched it again and again that night.  I never really absorbed and interpreted it as something that directly reflected my life.

Today I was going through youtube, watching all of my favorite dances from seasons past, and I came across this dance.  I watched it, twice.  Now that I have been outside of the relationship for nearly 4 years and in a healthy relationship, it is crystal clear to me.  Our relationship was toxic and we were most certainly addicted to each other.  Then my mind began wandering to other relationships that I have witnessed that were just like Garth and I's.  I remembered Katy and Adam, Shannon and John, .....these relationships where not being together just didn't seem to be an option because none of us knew who we were without the other.

Then I realized that, for most of us, we were young.  And hopefully, we can write that entire thing off as just being young.  And then I thought about me ever having a daughter.  And I got really nervous.  Boys are dangerous.  Ugh.

Anyway, here's the video: