2010

This past year was pretty great.  I can only imagine what this next year will be like.  Insane, I am sure.

Welp, here's to 2010 and an amazing 2011.

Vacation boredom.

I have been on vacation from work and school for over a week, and it has been awesome - however, I am ready to get back into some sort of routine.  The holiday was awesome and my birthday was even better.  It's been really nice being home with Ray while he is also on vacation.

We bought paint for the baby room yesterday and I think Ray is going to start painting while I am at work tomorrow.  I created my invite list for the shower and I am sure it is going to need to be revised.  I don't think having over 100 people at a baby shower is acceptable.

The semester starts in 10 days and I am anxious to see what it is going to look like.  Apparently finals are 10 days after my due date, so hopefully I can take them early.  We shall see.

Ray and I are having dinner tonight with my dad and Cheryl - I'm so happy my family loves him.  I think they love him more than they love me.  I never thought with the way me and Ray's relationship started that they would love him the way that they do.  Oddly enough, he is their favorite - ever.

Loans come in one week from today.  I can not wait.

Ugh.

I am not going to attempt to mend something that, I don't really even care is broken.

I just won't.

Today I turn thirty.

I turn thirty today.  And it really doesn't feel that bad.  I, in no way, feel that old (from the perspective of my 15 year old self) and I really feel like I am in a good place for this number.

I am in school and have (roughly and depending on summer school/credit hours taken in the future) about two years until I graduate.  I am pregnant and living happily with my boyfriend and father of my child with our lovely animals in this really rad house we've built into a home together.  Our families are the closest they've ever been and we are all in good health.

Not a bad way to start off my thirties.

I fucking love my friends.

If I were in a band, it would be THIS kinda band....

LOVE Ladytron.

I cut and colored my hair all by myself for the first time ever.  The hair is choppy in that "Japanese high fashion model" sort of way - so I may need some blending - but here's an idea of what it looks like.

Not so bad for my first time being my own hair designer.  

sex whilst pregnant....

First trimester: AWESOME.  Everything about it.  Totally rad.

Second trimester: a little uncomfortable.  totally self conscious.

Third trimester:  we shall see......


At least my orgasms have remained.  I am grateful for that.

this is happiness.

Today already beats yesterday by ten fold.

I woke up early, blogged a bit, then ran errands for the family.  I bought gifts for the niece's and bought groceries for the goodies we will take with us for the holidays.  I came home and cleaned the house (all but mopped, I'm putting that off).  I dyed my hair, bathed, and awaited Rae's arrival.  I haven't seen her in over a year.

Rae and I visited at the dining room table for well over three hours.  It was nice to catch up.  I had really missed her.

It is four o'clock and nearing my nap time.  The house smells of a Christmas scent and I am ready to snuggle with the puppies before Ray gets home.

I love vacation.  Tomorrow I will finish Christmas shopping and put up our Christmas tree.  I can not wait for Ray to be off of work with me.  This weekend will be a blast.

<3

My first real breakdown.

Yesterday I had a break down.  I went to bed early and just laid there in the dark.  Ray came in to comfort me - and I just lost it.

1.  I'm so tired of being poor.  Beyond poor.  I attempted to finish up my Christmas shopping yesterday and doing so with a very tight budget is not fun.  I am not able to get exactly what I want for people.  And in even some cases, can't buy for certain people that I want to.  This is the first year I will not have bought Katy a Christmas gift - and she's my favorite person to shop for.  She's easy and fun - and I always know just what she'll like.  Not only is not having money difficult, but for some people (ehem-my sister), it's simply impossible to buy for.  I just don't even know what to get her.  And to make matters worse, she deserves the raddest gift of all.  I was so frustrated that I am up super early to return some gifts because I'm not happy with them in attempt to start over and hopefully be happy with the gifts that I can purchase.  Ugh.  Let's hope I don't have a mental breakdown in Target.

2.  I received a text from Kristina today that Amy is not moving up here and therefore she is wanting to move out and break the lease.  Which then leaves Nova screwed.  Kristina can up and move to her parents - but Nova can't.  Nova has been booted on her ass time and time again - and it's happening... again.  I suppose I just can't wrap my brain around the reason for the impulsive move out.  Initially, when we found out I was pregnant - the plan was for me to move out about a month before the baby came.  Then, two months later, Amy was planning on moving up here sometime in Jan.  Since Amy would be up here and bringing four cats and another dog, I had adjusted my move out date to Jan. in order to make room for them and as stated before, to avoid a cluster fuck of moving.  Plans changed once again, and the next plan was for Amy to get up here the day after Christmas.  So, I decided to not wait until the last minute and for plans to change again with Amy and move out last week.  I have paid my portion of rent through Jan. and felt I gave the girls time to get the house ready for Amy's move in.  Well, apparently Amy decided to not move up here at all - which makes Kristina not want to live in the house she committed to living in anymore.  This is absurd to me and really selfish.  And I found it quite shitty that Kristina would say she had as much of a right to move out as I did.  I was floored.  Was or is she so blind to see that I would have never moved out had I not gotten pregnant?  Did she really think I would stay in a house and have my two friends help me raise a newborn when I am currently dating the father of my child, who is fulling capable of helping me (and wants to raise) his own child?  Did she think I wouldn't break this agreement all in the name of a lease?  Does she not realize that my situation is a life-altering situation and that it is not even comparable to : 1. her girlfriend (who wasn't even her girlfriend at the time of the pregnancy revelation) not moving up here. 2  her simply "not wanting" to live with Nova or 3. "Not being able to afford it"?

Is she kidding me?  She can afford it.  Rent is even cheaper for her with utilities than when I was making less than her, living in a more expensive place (by myself), and had a car payment.  It is possible.  She would rather make Nova look for roommates, and if she doesn't find any then she has to move out and break the lease.  But where will Nova go?  It's not even a thought to her.  She doesn't care.  Because she's selfish.  I just could not imagine it even being something I would consider if the roles were reversed.  So, I just can not relate or even begin to understand where she's coming from.  I just can't.

I do not care about breaking the lease or finding someone to sub-let the house from us.  That's fine.  My concern is Nova.  I'm simply infuriated.  I just never thought she would be so heartless.  I'm so far beyond over her.  I'm disgusted.

3.  After coming home from the argument above, I got in the shower thinking it would wash away my disgust for the entire situation.  My hair has been murdered from water aerobics and I desperately need a haircut, but because of irritation 1 above, I am unable to get one.  I took a pair of hair shears to my head and began chopping away.  I cut at least four inches off.  I just couldn't stop.  It was much shorter than I had intended.  I still can't decide if I like it.  Then, when I was Christmas shopping, I bought a package of hair dye because my hair is blarg from water aerobics.  I found a ravishing bright red that I wanted to try.  And while at Target, I felt a bit more daring than I do now that I am at home.  I strayed from my normal dye and I am faced with this bright red.  I haven't yet decided what to do.  If I will return it or if I will give it a go.

4.  I feel ugly.  I swear after two nights ago, I woke up and my belly was huge and hard - there was not sucking in this thing.  I feel pale because I can't do my traditional winter pick me up by tanning and I feel fat.  I know, I know, I'm pregnant.  But being pregnant makes you feel fat.  And fuck you.

Ray just laid there and held my hand.  At times, he giggled and asked me to "stop acting pregnant" and we smiled at each other.  He kissed my hands and head and gave his best attempt at making me feel better.  And it worked because I fell right asleep.

I woke up this morning and he kissed my head again, gave me his debit card, and told me to get some people some more stuff.  That made me feel better.  He's the fucking best.

Live Journal

http://users.livejournal.com/_bitterbetty/?skip=10


My old blog.  Just basically me bitching about my ex husband.  It's not really even worth keeping.  But I shall....

i am a fucking idiot.

i just spilled oil from those oil diffusers all over me, my counter, the floor, and a little bit on the kitty.

everything smells like butterscotch maple.

you know what i forgot to tell you?!?!?

i quit derby.

because i am a quitter and want my life back.

maybe it would be different if i were still a skater.  but i am not.

i think i just needed my "me" time back.

i am selfish.  doy.

i do miss skating though.....  hrmph.

........and on a side note....

I don't EVER want to feel or act the way I have in the recent past.

Never, never again.

I'll leave that behavior where it belongs, in the past.

some of the best gifts you can't wrap in pretty little boxes.

Ugh.  It looks like Crayola barfed all over my page.  I'm too lazy to change it (again) this morning.

I have officially moved all of my stuff back home.  Actually, Ray moved all of my stuff back in - because he's got retard strength and is absolutely amazing.  All in all, it only took him a total of 3 van trips to get it all back to the house.  This was by far the best Christmas gift ever.

We unloaded my stuff and ordered a pizza.  Dined in our living room surrounded by boxes and mindlessly chatted.  The dogs were really excited to see the arrival of all of my junk.  Beatrice acted like she hadn't seen me in days, when it had only been one.  And I could tell that they knew exactly what was happening. We were a family, once again.  Not that we had stopped, but once I had moved out "family time" turned into "visits" and "overnight stays".  I know that they're just dogs, but they sensed that this move is a very good thing.

I thought we'd be done for the evening.  It's was a little pass 7 o'clock and I knew Ray was exhausted from working all day immediately followed by hauling my junk.  He must have caught a second wind because he got up and started shuffling everything around in it's proper position.  We had to change up the family room since we now have an entire room we have to surrender to the baby (which was a bit of a struggle, at first, for Ray - but he quickly relinquished the control and succumbed to the fact that we're having another human being join our lives very soon).  We cleared out (for the most part) what was once our office and merged it into the family room.  We set up our bed and he made sure to lift and relocate all of the heavy items into their appropriate places, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it myself - today.  It was 11 o'clock before I couldn't take anymore and went to bed.

For this entire process (and even now) I had this overwhelming feeling of right.  This felt right.  This was home.  Not this house, but with him.  Like I said earlier, best Christmas present ever.

For today, while Ray is at work, I will continue to clean and unpack and rebuild the home we once shared together.  My sister is coming over to help and I am so very excited.

I work the next 3 days in a row, have one day off, then work 1 more day before my week of absolutely nothing.  I am hoping to get the house in order and the Christmas tree up before this time so that I can focus on finishing buying gifts and wrapping them.

Moving out for only 3 months may have been a really good decision.  It was appropriate at that specific time and it now seems to have made me appreciate our life together even more - now.

I am starting to think that everything really does happen for a reason.

First day of winter break

I woke up abnormally early for someone who is on winter break.  But, I woke up WITH Buddy snuggled next to me.  I ate eggs and watched the news whilst drinking coffee.  I've trolled around on the interwebs and I will probably lay down for a nap soon.

It's 9a.m.

I'd say so far the first few hours of my winter break have been successful.

I have a superhero for a boyfriend

He's really strong and tough.  And he moved half of my stuff in just one load.

He's so dreamy.

I'm really nothing you want to take seriously.

I mean, seriously.

cold coffee talk

I have my very last final today.  It's for ballet, so I'm not sure it entirely counts as a "final" for me.  Thing is, I spent an unexpected night at Ray's last night - and do not have my leotard or any other acceptable ballet attire here.  The roads are snowy and I simply don't want to go home to get acceptable ballet attire, so it will be interesting to see what I come up with to wear.

Speaking of "home" - the word has become an interesting concept to me as of lately.  I live not with Ray (woah, hello Yoda), yet I find myself referring to his house as home all of the time.  I suppose home really is where the heart is - or some dumb shit like that.  Nevertheless, I am moving back in with Ray this week. Matter of fact, after ballet I am picking Buddy up to spend my last few days with him before I move back in.  Living with Ray (and Stza - mostly) doesn't really allow for me to just take Buddy whenever I want to. Which is the only downfall to living with Ray - or, going back home.  It's quite the catch 22 for me, actually.

I miss Buddy all of the time and hate the way the custody is arranged - or however you want to put it.  But I am grateful that his main home is good and he has a friend to play with.  Otherwise, I'm sure it could be much worse.  So regardless of how sad I get sometimes because I miss him and I know he misses me - I think that for now, this is the best arrangement we could have made for him.  I would love to have him around all of the time when the baby's here, however.  He would just love being around a baby (after the jealousy wears off - I'm sure).

I asked to pick up more shifts during my break - and it doesn't look like it's going to happen.  I understand as I have been the scheduling manager before - but damn - I've never been on the part-time server side before, and it kind of sucks.  I've even asked to pick up other's shifts and no one is budging.  I will be broke, but that's okay.  At least I'll be at home - and not spending money.

I still need to get a few more gifts for Christmas.  Ugh.  I am, however, really excited for Ray this Christmas.  My family really went all out for him this year.  Last year was awesome.  They really accepted him and bought gifts that showed it.  But this year is insane with the gifts he's receiving.  I am really, really, excited for him to open them.

Yesterday, immediately after my finals, I went to Ma's house to bake cookies.  Christi brought Jerry and the whole family came over.  All of the kids went sledding, and we had a blast.  At one point, I felt like it was Home Alone with all of the madness.  But madness is good.  In my humble opinion, anyway.  Tomorrow is technically my first day of break, it will be filled with packing, packing, and more packing.  I am so excited.

I turn 30 in 12 days.  And I'll be home to do so.  I have a feeling that this is going to be the best Christmas yet.  Well, until next year, anyway - when Dominic's here.  I can't wait to be a mom.

a brief reflection.

I took my Methods of Research final yesterday, I was pleased to do so because this then meant my main finals were over next Monday.  Today, I went to water aerobics and was told that our instructor cancelled next week and I do not have to attend.  This makes me a very happy girl.  Very, very happy.

I have only 3 finals left.  Spanish, Statistics, and Ballet.  I also have a composition I need to type up for Spanish and then I am finished for the semester.  I have never been so excited to be done - I need to breathe.

This semester was a difficult one.  Not only were my classes challenging, but Ray and I kinda broke up, I moved out, we got back together, I found out I was pregnant, things got really good with Ray and I, and we struggled with NOT living together.  I had to alter my position with roller derby and I coached our first bout ever.  I am in desperate need of a break.  And I get one.  I am taking an entire week off for Christmas - this means no work AND no school.  I am biting at the bit for the day to come where I can sleep in, bake cookies, eat good food, and be with friends and family without worrying about homework or waking up early for work.  I need to mentally prepare myself for the next semester and the arrival of the baby.  Insane how much a life can change in just a year - or even a second.

This pregnancy was not planned.  It had been discussed, but in no way had we ever thought I would get pregnant while being on birth control.  According to my due date, we apparently conceived the weekend that we went camping and discussed getting pregnant with my family.  It was that weekend that Ray said I could get off of the pill if I wanted to - just to see what happens.  I left there thinking about it - all of the pros and cons.  I was fully engulfed in derby at the time and didn't really want to give it up just yet for a baby. School was always in the back of my mind, but I knew and felt it to be better to get pregnant while in school as opposed to waiting until I had to find a career that would allow for me to have a newborn.  Derby was my main reason for not wanting to get off of the pill.  And so I decided against it.  I was not going to try to get pregnant.  And I did.  I got pregnant.  All by chance.

The new year is approaching and soon it will be 2011.  The last 3-4 years has been a whirlwind of life changes and evolving as a person.  Last year I thought the insanity of life changes was coming to a stop and I could finally breathe.  I was wrong.  These changes are doing nothing more than forcing me to grow up.  And I actually like it.

I turn 30 in 17 days.  I just can't believe it.  I am really excited to leave my 20's behind on a good note and move forward to my 30's.  I really feel like my 20's allowed for me to gain the life experiences that I need to proceed with my future.  I had a blast, I achieved and failed, hurt and got hurt, lived and most importantly - learned.

I haven't been this content and happy in years.

I want to be friends with the Gregory Brothers, and maybe Antoine Dodson - a little.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw&feature=related



These two are my absolute favorite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBb4cjjj1gI

I'm up super early and am killing time before class.  So, here's another favorite.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/113207/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-shy-ronnie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/8d848ed06e/mother-lover-uncensored


Okay, that's all.  Have a nice day.

It's a boy!

Dominic Raymond Danger.

I can not wait to meet him.

big mouth strikes again

You never realize how often you say, "fuck" until you are talking to a person you normally don't talk to at great length.

I did this today.  And though in the moment I felt like a tool, I have to be thankful it wasn't a professor or anything.

I need to wash my mouth out with soap.

finals week.

Alright, I'm over it.  I have more interesting things to do with my time.  Being catty was only fun for the moment - it's really silly.

Last night was an impromptu dinner with the girls, mom, and Ray.  Actually, they were all planning to have dinner together without me (as I was planning on picking Buddy up and heading straight home), so I decided to postpone my pick up day with Buddy until today so that I could get in some good quality family time in.

I think I am moving back into Ray's soon.  The whole point of waiting was to carpet and paint certain rooms - and then move my stuff back in.  But Amy's moving up here soon and I'd like my stuff to be out of her way - and just, all in all - avoid a big cluster fuck of moving.

I am not getting much money for student loans next semester, so it should be interesting to see how I'll survive.  I can not wait for Fall loans when they stop going off of Uptown's employment.  It's so infuriating.  Ugh.

It snowed a lot of inches, or whatever, over the evening.  It's going to continue to snow through Friday (it's Monday).  It's really pretty outside and I am getting annoyed with the bitching that this weather produces from people.

Super random blog.  But it's dead week.  The week before finals.  My brain is so full of all of the blah blah blah that I learned through the semester - I could vomit the knowledge all over this computer.  I'm rambling about simple random's because, at this moment, thinking about anything else is merely far too difficult.


I can not wait for this week to be over.

Veo el derecho por usted, cualquier hora. 

The Saturday lost to all birthdays.

My fuse is running really short as of lately.  I'm not sure what to chalk it up to, but I don't think it's the pregnancy.  Everyone thinks everything I feel is because of the pregnancy.  Get over it.  I still am able to have feelings that are created out of things other than this damn pregnancy.

That, in itself is fucking annoying.

Today was full of many birthday celebrations.  All three of Ray's niece's, Ray's mother, and Annie.  It's past midnight and I have been up and running for over twelve hours with no nap.  I am exhausted.

Ray and I had a good talk tonight about who we are and the dynamic we share as a couple.  Sometimes I think couples should do that.  It really made me appreciate us for who we are rather than idealizing what I'd like to think we are.  I don't know, it's just a pleasantly sweet reality check.  The conversation was not planned or initiated with intention on either end.  It just developed.  And I am glad that it did.

I have to work pretty early in the morning and have a full day of stuff to do.  In the end, however, I get to pick Buddy up and well - that's reward in itself.

Goodnight.

fickle pickle.

well, i figured i should give her something to look at....

i'm so fucking catty.

brrr

No matter what I do, I cannot seem to be aesthetically pleased with my stupid journal.  I am really lame.

December 1st and we had our first real snow fall.  There's about a week or two left of school and I am so far beyond ready to be done for the semester.  Going to school for one year straight is probably something I'll never do again.

We find out the sex of the baby in less than a week.  Though I really could care less what the sex is and I really have no clue, one way or the other - I am still excited.  It still doesn't seem real.



Krisii is watching Dexter for the first time and is on season 1 still.  I think I may go join her just for nostalgia purposes.  Heh.