And just like that.  A ton of heavy, heavy bricks of sadness falls upon me.  Tears are flowing like a fucking waterfall and I am just so sad.

I just miss him so much.  I can't believe he would have been a year.

I am a mess.

That which is on my mind.

1.  I have come to realize that my sister is insane.  Traci.  She's a nut job.  And I'm kind of totally over her.

2.  I have been snacking on El Paraiso chips and salsa for three days.  Totally worth the 3 or 4 dollars.

3.  Beatrice needs a bath, badly.

4.  Our healthcare system is so jacked, I want to scream.  Thank the lord for my awesome doctors who provide me with samples of insulin while Medicaid sucks my dick.

5.  I can't decide if I like the way we rearranged our living room. 

6.  It's been 80 degrees in March and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

I need a nap.

There is something about spring/summer air that makes me nostalgic. 

As I was driving home tonight with the windows down I could smell the way my house smells.  And how it has always smelled since the first day I stepped foot in it.  It is the kind of smell that, no matter how many candles I light or how many years go by, lingers.  It's the soul house smell.  It reminded me of when Ray and I began and all of the times I went over before I had lived there. 

Then I remembered how Ray smells and I couldn't get to the house fast enough to hug him and smell him.  He just makes me so happy.  He's home.

I cannot believe it's been years and we're still so happy.  I can barely even remember a fight that really sticks.  I have never had a partnership like this before and for the longest time, I didn't even know it was something that exists.  I feel very fortunate. 

the bad things about females.

It's hard.  What do you call a person who is your friend, though you never really talk or hangout and you mostly just see them in groups?  It's difficult because at one point you hung out together, alone, and shared many a things, but now - not so much?  An acquaintance?.... not really because it is more than just a slight friendship with someone. 

I have a lot of people in my life like this.  I am not sure if it became this way because of my rock star ex husband who always acted like a politician running for office when we were out in public, or simply because I get along with females and naturally it just happens.  Regardless, it has happened.

I know a lot of females and often times they come to me with their problems.  It's flattering and I enjoy talking it out and helping people gain perspective because, most of the time, I am also learning from all that the conversation brings up.  I do, however, have issues with people who act like they want help or to talk it out - but really don't feel that they need to make a change to solve their problem.  (You know, because doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is NOT insane.... and god forbid THEY change when, clearly, they are not the problem).  I digress....

There's normally not a whole lot of investment put into these relationships - on my end, anyway.  Normally, our gatherings are just long enough for them to hash out all the bullshit drama that they're going through that they simply just don't know what to do...  Or they mask their real motivations and feelings behind some passive behavior and I simply call them on it.  Not in a bitchy way at all, just an honest observation.  I hate when people are like, "Well, I don't mind if so and so does this, but....."  No, you do mind and clearly it is a problem or else we wouldn't be sitting here wasting our precious visit talking about some bullshit you're not even being honest with yourself about. 

The best is when someone is doing their best to justify behavior that really is not justifiable unless they're getting abused or something.  Like cheating.  Or dating an ex boyfriend of a friend (obviously each situation may differ, but I am talking about when said friend is clearly not over said ex boyfriend).  These are just things you do not do.  And if you do them, own it.  Fucking own that shit.  Take accountability and stop trying to act like what you are doing is OK.  If you want the relationship - or fuck or whatever the hell it is, then obviously you value that more than the friendship that you had.  Don't just act like you were never really friends or that they never really dated.  It's called being delusional and in denial or just flat out being a lying cunt and now I don't even want to be your friend.

And the best part.....THE BEST PART..... is when I call you out on all of your bullshit and now I'M the bad guy.  I'm "self righteous".  I have gone through and done some really shitty things, the difference here?  I've owned it and have been held accountable.  I am not perfect and I never claimed to be.  And I really like how I was good enough for you to come to and dump all your shit in my lap when I really don'tevencare, but when I say something you don't want to hear - now I am self righteous?

Get.Fucked.

Beth let me borrow her Doppler for the baby's heartbeat.  I have laid on the couch for the past half hour just listening to the baby's heartbeat.  It is, seriously, the best sound I have ever heard.  Ever. 

I finally posted on facebook that I was pregnant.  My belly was conflicting with my plan to hide it for as long as possible and to completely ignore the entire fact.  Meh.  Katy says letting the public know will give me support, strength, courage, and excitement.  I think she's right. 

She's pretty much always right.

I read a lot of message boards regarding losing a baby and how to not be a total nut job in the pregnancies afterward.  I read about all of the wonderful births that have happened after stillbirth. 

I really hope that I get to post a positive successful story about pregnancy/delivery after a stillborn.  That would be nice.

In really good news; I won't have to be pregnant for 40 weeks!  I get to deliver way early and that makes me happy.  I also get an ultrasound every 2 weeks and already have more photos than I did of Dominic.  Those appointments really do help at putting my mind at ease......temporarily. 

I haven't told a ton of people about this pregnancy.  I'm finding it difficult to embrace it completely.  I'm not sure if I should share it with people.  I think it may help me get excited about it - but as always, I'm scared.  I mean, I haven't gone back to my therapist yet (as I am suppose to when I get pregnant) because I'm too scared to tell her!  Really?

Ugh.  I'm such a pussy.

I need new bras like no mans business.  These puppies are out.of.control.

I hate gaining weight, regardless of reason.  It goes against everything built into my brain. 

Oh well.  I suppose I must gain it and accept it.

It really sucks when you see your friends making the same mistakes you have made.  It is perplexing, especially when they were right beside me while I was making those mistakes and had their own negative opinion about it.  I suppose it is always nice to fancy the idea that you would never do something like that.  But it is so frustrating when you're the one on the other side, the side that has been there and learned from that.  Sometimes I just want to shake them and scream in their face. 

Rather, I'll just vent about it in some silly ol' blog.

It is so beautiful out tonight.  It's buffering my annoyances. 

I am seeing one of my wishes on the brink of coming true.  This pleases me greatly.

Frightened Rabbit

I love this song.  Actually, I just totally love this band.