YOUTH

Shadows settle on the place that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.
We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.
And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this...
... and you caused it...
... and you caused it...
... and you caused it...
Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,
I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget,
My eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.
And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it

Sunscreen

I'm feeling very nostalgic lately.  

"Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

This lyric always rings true when I'm feeling this way.  

I use to think this song was lame - which is ironic because the entire point to the song is about just that. 

I hate to be that  person, but - having children gave me more perspective than I ever imagined I could have.  

So - here's the song:

In the end.

I have been working away, steadily at my computer - all day.  I have been quickly halted by news that one of my consumers has passed away.

He was diagnosed just this past June with Pancreatic Cancer.  I know there's no good prognosis with Pancreatic Cancer - but good god, this happened so fast.

I just met with the family, and spoke with him, last week.  I am just so sad.

So sad.

So, this is the worst part of my job.

Get busy livin'

Well, I suppose I should write at least one more thing in here before 2015 is gone!  What a year it has been!

Lucas Matthew Grohl Phillips was born at 11:38am on 3/7/2015.  He was one month early and weighted 11.7 lbs.  He is my miracle baby.

Newborn:

4-5 months old

I will make a very long story short:

A few weeks before Luke arrived, I had been noticing a decrease in fetal movement.  I had gone into triage 3 times in 1 week.  I was stressed and anxious.  My doctors continued to argue with me, wanting me to carry him until 37 weeks.  I insisted we do an amnio at 36 wks just to check his lung development.  At 34 wks, he already weighed nearly 9 lbs.  I was terrified.  Super super SUPER long story short - I stayed in the hospital starting 35 weeks with the agreement that they would monitor me twice a day, everyday until 37 weeks.  Luke came via emergency C section at 36 wks and 1 day because he was dying.  He was born black and blue as he was already losing oxygen.  He was 11.7 lbs, which officially makes him the largest premature baby Memorial NICU has EVER seen.  Of course he broke his sister's record.

It's a miracle that he is here.  I was not going to stay in the hospital.  I didn't want to be the overly worried mother.  My sister basically made me stay.  And I'm glad she did.  It's because of her that Luke is here today.  He's nearly 6 months old now and it's been a ride, for sure.  I had a tubal performed and will never have another baby, again.  Bittersweet.  But I've accepted the fact that my pregnancies are far too risky.  I have my amazing 3 children and can enjoy watching them grow.  I already feel so lucky.

Luke spent 1 month in the NICU.  It was not easy, but as always - we made it.  He had colic from months 2-4 and appeared to break free from it around 4 1/2 mo.  THANK GOD.  It was much more difficult to bond with Luke than it was Molly.  The entire experience was totally different.  He's 6 mo's now and a bubbly, happy, amazingly independent baby!  Ray and I FINALLY made it through.  It was rough, to say the least.

Luke was born on 3/7 and was released from the NICU on 4/2 (Dominic's 4th birthday) and we closed on our home 4/13 and moved less than a week later.  If that weren't enough, we got a pit bull puppy on 7/13.  We are insane, basically.

Our new home is amazing.  We moved to Osceola and our home is 2700 sq ft.  Our old home was 900 sq ft.  We finally have space!  Twyckenham was perfect for Ray and I.  It couldn't hold our growing family any longer.  We have an amazing yard, neighbors, and school district.

Penelope Olive is our new pittie and she is just so sweet.  She was already well behaved when we got her and Ray has done a great job training her.

Work is great.  I work from home and travel into the field only a few weeks out of the month.  I make my own schedule and just celebrated 1 year in May.

Life literally could not get any better.

I told my mom that the other day.  They're so good that I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Wait - I AM waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am hoping that we are just now getting back what we've worked and been so patient for.  Hopefully that's just it.

Ray and I celebrated his 33rd birthday last night by going to Indy to see Foo Fighters.  Naked Raygun opened for them and it was pretty neat.  We met Luke and Emily down there.  It was the first time in nearly 8 years that Luke and I actually hung out together.  It was really nice.  I never thought he and I would be friends again.  We had a lot of fun.

Cyndi's mom died in February and that has been difficult for my sister and her.  Merrily was the sweetest and I am so sad Molly never got a chance to meet her.

Liz and Dave just got engaged and that's exciting.  Molly and I will be in the wedding and we're pretty happy for Liz.  I also have a few pregnant friends who haven't made the announcement yet, and we're really excited about that as well.  Rachel Emery had her baby, Quinn and I drove to Chicago to spend the day with those two.  She's such a good mom already.  Scarlett Orosz was born 2 weeks before Luke and Jessica is a great mom too.  All of my friends are really good moms.  Getting older is pretty interesting.

Molly feeding Scarlett

Molly began ballet classes last week for her 3rd birthday (she asked for them).  Tonight is her 2nd class.  She hasn't participated once and I was utterly mortified last week when she just acted like an animal the entire class.  The owner says it's normal and that she just needs a few weeks to get used to the studio.  Ray just sent me a photo of her playing blocks and wrote, "Dance classes are going well".  Oh lord.

I did not go back to smoking after having Luke!  I'm pretty confident you could call me a non smoker!  So very exciting!  I've gained a ton of weight, but at least I'm not smoking!  Feels great!

I really like this cardigan

I've been listening to new music that I just can't get out of my head.  Here's one of my favorite songs/dances from SYTYCD (which is where I get a lot of my new music from).

Holy smokes time has flown by!

Wow.  It has been a very long time since I have blogged.  So much has been going on.  First, I am just a little over 31 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child.  This was very unexpected and certainly a surprise - especially because I was on birth control (again).  I, of course, am nervous and anxious and worried and all of that, but I am excited too.  Thus far, the pregnancy is going well.  My numbers are looking good and I am hoping to have this little guy out of my belly in about 5-6 weeks.  Though I am not 100% sure, I am considering getting a tubal ligation to prevent me from having any more children - ever again.  The finality of it all makes me hesitant, but I am just not sure that I can do all of this again.

Finding a name was quite the struggle.  Our 2 children have 2 middle names, so we have basically run out of anything that just 'came to us'.  We couldn't agree on ANYTHING and the struggle was real.  I don't even think we settled on a name until well past 20 wks.  Finding out the sex of the baby always helps, but in this case - the boys names were the ones we were struggling with the most.  Go figure.  It appears that we conceived this little one around the time Naked Raygun played in South Bend (June 2014).  They're one of my all - time favorite bands, so we considered naming him Regan, Raygun, and other slightly different spelling versions.  We considered Max, Duke, and a few others - but again, we just weren't excited about any name.  When I was pregnant with Molly, and before we knew she was a girl, we had thought that if she were a boy, we'd name her Owen Matthew.  We re-visited that option and again - completely indifferent.  Again, when Molly was just a bundle of cells, we considered Lucas Matthew for a boy.  I loved it, but Ray HATED it.  Basically, when we found out we were having a girl, it was a much easier decision.

Since we re-visited Owen Matthew, I threw out Lucas Matthew, again.  Actually, I think Ray may have suggested it.  I reminded him that he really didn't like that name but as always, with time - feelings change.  I loved the name so much years ago when we first considered it because the name Lucas was the name of Ray's best friend in high school who passed away due to epilepsy.  Matthew was the name of my best friend who passed away a few (4) years ago.  I am a big fan of naming our children after people that are important to us, so I was all for it immediately.  Ray, not so much.  Well, this time, Ray was into it.  So, Lucas Matthew it shall be.  But then I realized that our 2 other children have 2 middle names.  Dominic Raymond Danger and Molly Jo Louise.  How odd to have that and then just Lucas Matthew.  I really liked the idea of throwing in a favorite band or musician because we both love music and certain musicians and bands have shaped who we are as individuals.  Though I loved the idea of putting Raygun in there as a way to influence him in the future on really good, basic punk rock music - I just didn't like the flow of it.  Ray suggested Grohl, as he is a big fan of the Foo Fighters and Dave Grohl.  Personally, I'm not a big fan of the Foo Fighters, but I do like Dave Grohl, and I love Nirvana, so what a great way to incorporate a name that, I feel, will live on through the test of time and good music as Dave Grohl (both mainstream and independent).  At the time of the name discussion, Ray and I had been watching Sonic Highways - a docu-series created by Dave Grohl in regards to music throughout American History and certain states and how they were influenced by certain music.  Well, what do you know?  Dave Grohl highlights Naked Raygun in Chicago and tributes them to being the first real live show he'd ever been to, thus inspiring him to be in a punk band at 14 years old.  He holds Jeff Pezzati in high regard, so I thought it was perfect.  Done.  Lucas Matthew Grohl, it is.  I can't wait to meet him.

Work is going very well.  We are considering buying a house.  We actually found our dream house, but I'm not sure it's going to work in our favor.  We have also considered living in an apartment for a year or two in order to save more money and allow time to build my credit to get a bigger loan.  We have done a great job at saving money and it's the first time in my life that I've had this much in savings.  Having two incomes is quite a difference.

Katy moved to Oregon in August and will be coming home to visit at the end of March to meet Luke.  It's been 7 months since she left and it really has flown by.  I found out I was pregnant just about 1 week after she moved, so I guess it really has been a long time.  I'm hoping her time here doesn't fly by.  I'm sure we can slow things down a bit by sitting on the couch all day and just eating and being lazy.

Tommorow will mark one year since the passing of DJ.  We are currently raising funds and working toward building a sensory garden in his name.  This is going to be a very big and expensive project.  I am really excited to take the kids to see it.  It's been a struggle without DJ.  My dad has visited his grave everyday since he passed.  I've actually heard that recently he has been going twice a day.  It just breaks my heart.  I am just really hoping Luke gets here safe and gives my family hope and happiness again.  Cyndi's mom has been in very bad health and she has not been able to meet Molly yet.  She has sent cards and money and celebrated her from afar, but she's been sick since Molly's been born and we haven't been able to connect.  I am hoping that she is able to get better enough to meet her soon.  It's not looking so positive, and that is just another thing my sister and Cyndi have to deal with.  Merrily is seriously the nicest person I have ever known and I just hope she can feel like herself one day soon.

Molly is amazing and growing so fast.  She is talking really well and displaying more and more her own personality and quirks.  I am very sad that she won't be the only one running around the house soon.  I'm sad that all of my attention won't be focused on her.  I know she's going to be a great big sister though.  She is so caring and kind and compassionate.  She is truly my entire life.  I could squeeze her to bits.

Sometimes I look at my life and can't even believe it's for real.  I never really believed that I would have my own family.  It's so strange.  Ray and I have been making so many decision lately that have OUR families best interest at heart and it's a really surreal feeling to have.  He is such a good dad and a really great partner.  It's been 7 years already since we began this crazy adventure.  I can't wait to see what the next 7 look like.