My first real breakdown.

Yesterday I had a break down.  I went to bed early and just laid there in the dark.  Ray came in to comfort me - and I just lost it.

1.  I'm so tired of being poor.  Beyond poor.  I attempted to finish up my Christmas shopping yesterday and doing so with a very tight budget is not fun.  I am not able to get exactly what I want for people.  And in even some cases, can't buy for certain people that I want to.  This is the first year I will not have bought Katy a Christmas gift - and she's my favorite person to shop for.  She's easy and fun - and I always know just what she'll like.  Not only is not having money difficult, but for some people (ehem-my sister), it's simply impossible to buy for.  I just don't even know what to get her.  And to make matters worse, she deserves the raddest gift of all.  I was so frustrated that I am up super early to return some gifts because I'm not happy with them in attempt to start over and hopefully be happy with the gifts that I can purchase.  Ugh.  Let's hope I don't have a mental breakdown in Target.

2.  I received a text from Kristina today that Amy is not moving up here and therefore she is wanting to move out and break the lease.  Which then leaves Nova screwed.  Kristina can up and move to her parents - but Nova can't.  Nova has been booted on her ass time and time again - and it's happening... again.  I suppose I just can't wrap my brain around the reason for the impulsive move out.  Initially, when we found out I was pregnant - the plan was for me to move out about a month before the baby came.  Then, two months later, Amy was planning on moving up here sometime in Jan.  Since Amy would be up here and bringing four cats and another dog, I had adjusted my move out date to Jan. in order to make room for them and as stated before, to avoid a cluster fuck of moving.  Plans changed once again, and the next plan was for Amy to get up here the day after Christmas.  So, I decided to not wait until the last minute and for plans to change again with Amy and move out last week.  I have paid my portion of rent through Jan. and felt I gave the girls time to get the house ready for Amy's move in.  Well, apparently Amy decided to not move up here at all - which makes Kristina not want to live in the house she committed to living in anymore.  This is absurd to me and really selfish.  And I found it quite shitty that Kristina would say she had as much of a right to move out as I did.  I was floored.  Was or is she so blind to see that I would have never moved out had I not gotten pregnant?  Did she really think I would stay in a house and have my two friends help me raise a newborn when I am currently dating the father of my child, who is fulling capable of helping me (and wants to raise) his own child?  Did she think I wouldn't break this agreement all in the name of a lease?  Does she not realize that my situation is a life-altering situation and that it is not even comparable to : 1. her girlfriend (who wasn't even her girlfriend at the time of the pregnancy revelation) not moving up here. 2  her simply "not wanting" to live with Nova or 3. "Not being able to afford it"?

Is she kidding me?  She can afford it.  Rent is even cheaper for her with utilities than when I was making less than her, living in a more expensive place (by myself), and had a car payment.  It is possible.  She would rather make Nova look for roommates, and if she doesn't find any then she has to move out and break the lease.  But where will Nova go?  It's not even a thought to her.  She doesn't care.  Because she's selfish.  I just could not imagine it even being something I would consider if the roles were reversed.  So, I just can not relate or even begin to understand where she's coming from.  I just can't.

I do not care about breaking the lease or finding someone to sub-let the house from us.  That's fine.  My concern is Nova.  I'm simply infuriated.  I just never thought she would be so heartless.  I'm so far beyond over her.  I'm disgusted.

3.  After coming home from the argument above, I got in the shower thinking it would wash away my disgust for the entire situation.  My hair has been murdered from water aerobics and I desperately need a haircut, but because of irritation 1 above, I am unable to get one.  I took a pair of hair shears to my head and began chopping away.  I cut at least four inches off.  I just couldn't stop.  It was much shorter than I had intended.  I still can't decide if I like it.  Then, when I was Christmas shopping, I bought a package of hair dye because my hair is blarg from water aerobics.  I found a ravishing bright red that I wanted to try.  And while at Target, I felt a bit more daring than I do now that I am at home.  I strayed from my normal dye and I am faced with this bright red.  I haven't yet decided what to do.  If I will return it or if I will give it a go.

4.  I feel ugly.  I swear after two nights ago, I woke up and my belly was huge and hard - there was not sucking in this thing.  I feel pale because I can't do my traditional winter pick me up by tanning and I feel fat.  I know, I know, I'm pregnant.  But being pregnant makes you feel fat.  And fuck you.

Ray just laid there and held my hand.  At times, he giggled and asked me to "stop acting pregnant" and we smiled at each other.  He kissed my hands and head and gave his best attempt at making me feel better.  And it worked because I fell right asleep.

I woke up this morning and he kissed my head again, gave me his debit card, and told me to get some people some more stuff.  That made me feel better.  He's the fucking best.