Nearly two weeks ago I was informed that Buddy has cancer.
I am not entirely sure that it has sunk in. I may be in denial.
I feel numb. Like I have no right to be sad.
I mourned the loss of him 2 1/2 years ago. And now I need to prepare to mourn the loss again.
Garth says he only has a few months....
I remember when Buddy was a few years old. Garth and I were driving down to Wakarusa with Buddy. We pulled up next to a man in a pick up truck. He had a dog in the front seat. They were both really, really old. I looked at Garth and said, "I'm so excited to grow old with Buddy - it's going to be just.like.that." Garth looked back at me and quickly reminded me that Buddy would probably die by the time I was 35 and there was no chance in hell that we would grow old together. I was about 23 years old at the time. I became very sad and consistently reminded myself of that moment - well, ever since then.
I just can't believe he has cancer. Cancer. What the fuck.
I don't know my place in any of this. I don't really think there is a place for me. I was able to see him. It was surreal. It was as if I had seen him all along. Not once did it feel weird being with him again.
I had missed him so much. I still miss him. I guess I have never stopped missing him.
So I suppose this is the new normal.
Blech.
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