Life without DJ is different and sad. My parents are still actively grieving (to be expected, it's only been two months). I went to the cemetery for the first time. Seeing DJ's name next to a fresh mound of dirt wasn't what made me sad, it was knowing that my father has spent every single day there since we buried him. I feel DJ around all of the time. I wish my dad could feel that too. He has beautiful large chimes at the top where his headstone will be. It will be a beautiful memorial and tribute to him when it's complete. My dad has spent most of these past two months designing it. I think of him lying there, in that beautiful casket, six feet under ground all of the time. It may sound morbid, but I feel more ill-at-ease that he was buried than if he would have been cremated. I just don't like the idea of him being cold (I am privy to how bizarre that sounds). Since he has been gone there has been this dull ache that just burrows itself beneath the surface of my family. It is lonely.
Dominic would have been three years old on the 2nd of April. I can't believe it was only three years ago. It still feels like yesterday every single day. I love to talk about him, but because I had such a short time with him I feel like I am constantly repeating myself. I miss him. Everyone experiences sadness in their lives, but this sadness that I feel, though very basic is still really deep. And heavy. And it's there every day that I wake up and fall asleep. It hasn't ceased and it certainly hasn't lessened. These past few months truly have sucked all emotion out of me and sometimes I feel far too indifferent for my own good.
I have been thinking about the option to have one last child. Ray and I have discussed it, but I am just on the fence and cannot seem to make a decision. After losing Dominic I had to make a decision. I had to decide whether losing another child - or maybe children was something I was willing to go through in order to have one alive and in my arms. My wanting another child outweighed my fear of losing another. And so I find myself asking the same question. Can I - or am I willing to lose another baby in order to get to another one? At this point, the answer is no. My fear of losing a child is ever so prevalent. Now that I have experienced both - losing a baby and seeing one grow and experiencing the incredible amount of joy and love and pride and awesomeness that comes with her tiny spirit - I think I would crumble to pieces to lose another. And I don't have the confidence that I would recover as gracefully. I might just have to throw in the towel and be done. As amazing as it is to hold them for the first time - I just cannot imagine losing one again too.
I am officially finishing my undergrad in less than one month. I have decided to take at least one year off before pursuing my Masters in Social Work. I have an interview tomorrow with Advocacy Links. The position is for a Case Manager. Actually, DJ's case manager will be the one interviewing me. She had called my sister looking for referrals and though I am not graduated just yet, she wants to begin the process so that I can begin training immediately upon receiving my degree. This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, by any means. It is however, a really nice thing for a resume and I will gain experience which is more than any recent grad could ask for. And the salary is nice - so I am pleased.
Replicant is going really well. I am unbelievably proud of Ray. His friend from high school has bought 40% of Replicant, so Ray finally has help. I know that it was difficult for Ray to make that decision, but I truly think this step will help him achieve his main goal. I am pretty sure in 10 years we will look back at the good old days when he was slumming it in our garage. His progression to a really nice shop, with really good employees/partners, and constantly upgrading is press (and everything else that is needed) will do us really well. It is exciting.
Molly is well. She is crazy smart and ridiculously independent. She is speaking brilliantly and I could squeeze her to bits. She really enjoy's being outside and I plan to make our backyard a toddler dream for this summer. If I get this new job, I will be working from home and my goal is to figure out how to manage having her at home while I work (though I have no expectations and have planned sitters until I figure that out). We have been to the park three times in the last two days. She wears me out.
I have changed my diet drastically and am not eating carbs, dairy, gluten, or sugar. Sounds extreme, and maybe it is - but I lost eight pounds in two weeks and my sugars have been on point and I have been able to cut my insulin in half! My A1C was 6, which is great and my doctor was thrilled with my blood work. I did not change my diet to lose weight, but finally finding something that helps makes me feel better. Though I have ate like shit the past two days, I actually look forward to being super diligent again. I only want to lose 10 more pounds and I would be satisfied - and I'd still be 20 pounds over my 'normal' weight.
I am trying to cram everything in since I haven't blogged in awhile. I think I have covered most of the important stuff. I am tired. Everyone is in bed and I have to be up early tomorrow. So, goodnight.
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