Mindfulness

This past year has been fairly difficult on me.  I had nothing outwardly happen to me; I had the trauma from the previous five years fall heavy on me and I felt trapped for nearly 10 months.   I didn't even see it coming.  It just hit me, on my birthday, and I knew it was out of my control.

I had a lunch with my sister earlier on my birthday and at the restaurant we were talking about a childhood friend of ours who is now severely disabled by a freak accident, which led to a slew of health things, that, ultimately and unfortunately left him severely disabled.  We talked about how horribly sad that it was, how amazing he was in our youth (and from what she told me, as an adult), how amazing his wife is for spending every waking hour to be caring for him and their children while she works at least 20 hour a week.  We talked about how at any moment that could happen to any one of us and that could be our life.  Or we could be the partner, forever caring for our loved one.  Just like that, in the blink of an eye - everything could change.

Lord knows I know what that feels like.

When I came home from my lunch, Ray asked if I had heard what had happened to an old acquaintance of ours.  He further explained that she was in a coma and it appeared she would not be surviving this accident that had happened.  She was 32 years old.

I was shaken to my core.

This was the defining moment when my fear became utterly debilitating.

I felt fuzzy, like each day was running into the next.  I felt exhausted from trying to control everything by micromanaging.  I was tired of being the 'supermom', doing everything just right and having all of the right answers for everyone.  I felt like an asshole for becoming super judgmental regarding matters I had never previously cared about before.  I felt sick.  Not physically sick, just sick and tired.

I learned that I was deflecting from looking at myself.  I learned about my co dependence.  I learned how to contain my disturbing thoughts.  I learned that it is okay to not know what is going to happen.
I learned that it is very hard to become a mom and to become all consumed and to become extremely important to a human (or two).  I learned that a lot of women feel this way.  I learned that being a parent can be very lonely.

I know that I have a wonderful life.  I have the best partner, the most adorable and amazing children, the best family and friends and my dream job.  I am grateful.

My lack of mindfulness was not allowing me to appreciate it.

This song speaks to my soul.

There was a time when I would read about mindfulness and how to be present and all of the teachings of Buddha.  Even after Dominic died, I was extremely enlightened and felt alive and aware and awake to the beauty that surrounded my everyday life.

That became muddled after having children. The responsibility, the love, the selflessness, the importance of being their parent, the daily grind of no sleep, crying, changing diapers, feeding, packing lunches, managing the logistics of my family of 4, etc, etc, etc...... I could go on and on.

I lost myself.  I made excuses and blamed others.  I refused to take time for me.

It must have been a combination of the therapy, the few books I've been reading (recommended by my therapist), exercising, and this song - but it were as if the clouds lifted, I felt the relief and could do nothing but weep.

These words in this song are exactly what I needed to hear.

I needed to appreciate being here.

I needed to really feel the appreciation for being here - to be grateful deep within my soul.  To be in these moments, to smell the air and the grass (my favorite things to do), to be able to recollect a memory by how the morning dew runs down the windshield of my car.  I lost sight of all of these incredibly important things to me.

I wept and still weep when I hear this song because I feel more aware and happy than I have in a long time.

I feel free.