My life has changed completely and forever.  I have not blogged on this for awhile for one million reasons.  I am just, a different person. 

I don't really know how people continue on with life after losing a baby.  I have re-read some earlier entries that I had written about Dominic and it had never occurred to me that he would not survive.  No one tells you that sometimes baby's hearts just stop beating.  I feel betrayed by that lack of knowledge.  It is just something you never think about. 

I have lost the love of my life forever.  And I miss him every second of every second.  It is all that I can think about.  I was in shock and disbelief in April and fell into a horribly paralyzing depression in May.  It is now June.  I have been deathly ill as my stress has been physically manifesting itself.  I have been put on anti-depressants.  I am feeling like I can laugh and smile without guilt now.

The autopsy came back.  He was perfect.  There is absolutely no reason that I did not get to keep my baby.  None.  That is a hard and heavy pill to swallow - especially when I feel I will be choking on it forever.

I am figuring out how to manage my sadness.  This gut wrenching pain that I will forever have to live with.  Suddenly all of those things that bothered me or annoyed me or made me angry before - just seem so trivial.  All of the people that irritated me - or that I disliked - I am completely apathetic about.

It is bizarre.  This shift inside of me is indescribable. 

I miss Dominic.  My entire existence is me missing him.  It's a heavy heavy feeling.