It's hard when you damage a relationship way far beyond repair.  I have only done this once.  Reflecting on everything done, and knowing it was all of the wrong things to do is not only humbling, but devastating.  When you get to a point where nothing you say even matters anymore you just stop saying things.  Because well, it just doesn't matter anymore.  I have struggled with forgiving myself for the hurt and damage I have caused.  Not just damage to the relationship, but to the person's person.  For so long I have focused on my damaged goods.  When you do that you forget exactly how much you have damaged the other person.  I walked away from the entire situation over a year ago with the thought that I would heal much better.  I thought that I had for awhile.  I began to forgive myself and felt that even though the relationship is damaged beyond repair, we are both much happier people - living a life that we really want to be living and a life that we wouldn't have been able to with each other.  When you go awhile without thinking about the past, sometimes you forget the past was so damaging.  I was abruptly reminded last night that, indeed, what I have done is not healed or forgiven, and may never be.  I was complete shock as I was living so obliviously, truly believing that as long as we just pretend we no longer know each other, wounds would heal.  Finding out the opposite really unravels the sutures that you believed had caused the healing to begin and sets the forgiving of oneself back quite a bit.  I do not regret a lot, but I do regret hurting him the way that I did.  No one deserves that.  No one.  And in this moment, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us," has never felt more relevant.