Indeed it is Spring Break. There is not much 'spring' as I had hoped, but I am trying to squeeze in as many 'breaks' as I can.
I began working at Le Peep again. Though I am still hosting trivia nights at AP, Le Peep is just much more conducive to my life these days. Plus, the drama that came with the bar just was not worth it. It doesn't matter how many people I do not associate myself with or even talk to, so long as they continue drinking their lives away in some shit hole bar, they will continue to talk shit about anyone and everyone that they can. I was sick of being the scapegoat to whatever drama they felt needed to be created.
It's so bizarre, really. Sometimes a simple, casual conversation gets misconstrued and the next thing I know it has turned into some sort of drama where someone is getting their feelings hurt. It makes me super bummed out. It makes me feel as though I cannot talk to anyone, about anything. Literally, the smallest of things can get so warped in the hands of desperation.
I am not sure what they're desperate for. But there is no doubt that it is desperation for something. I want no part in any of it. I don't even want to hear about it from a distance. I don't know how much more I can drop out of the vicinity of it without cutting off all ties completely. I have considered cutting all ties but then remember that the shit talking will ensue. Drama created because 'I'm a shitty friend and fell off the face of the earth'. Meh. Whatever. It wouldn't be a big deal if people just didn't have birthday parties or obligations in which a friend must attend. Everyday the thought of remaining either in my house, my car, school, or work is more and more appealing. Only associating with family and the less than five friends that I care to associate with sounds way better than 'knowing' anyone outside of them.
Summer is quickly approaching and I have decided to take one summer class. Ray will hopefully be working for a bigger company soon and they plan to pay him big bucks. Big enough bucks where I may not have to work. I will still work, but the income that I pull in won't be relied on. I plan to have an excellent summer. The last two have been big bummers with the loss of Dom, my sickness, and then pregnancy. I want to spend as much time with Molly and Ray as possible. Molly loves to swim and we've already bought her a lifejacket for lake and campsite visits. It is so nice to finally feel healthy and happy.
Dominic's birthday is coming up and he would have been two years old. I miss him so much that sometimes I get really wrapped up in it. I imagine how he would look and how he would have been my little buddy. I picture him being such a sweet heart with Molly and it makes me really sad. A lot of my friends who had their first child when Dom was born are now pregnant with their second child. I know that Molly is my second - but in times like this, I feel as though she is my only because she is the only one here and then that makes me sad. I know I will be sad forever. I could feel that the minute we couldn't find Dom's heartbeat. I will carry this sadness with me, in my soul - so goddamn heavy every.fucking.day. I guess I just wish I didn't have to. I miss not being sad. The sadness allows for me to remember him. I hate that. I wish I could just associate happiness with his thought and not complete devastation. I just really miss him.
My life sounds like such a drag in my blogs. I swear I'm not a miserable hag.
Aside from my eternal sadness over Dom and my disappointment in revelations over those that I thought once were my friends - life is good. I have a solid foundation with a handful of friends that have never done me wrong. My relationship with my family has never been better. In fact, with my having a child now, I really appreciate my family so much more. We spend so much time together. School is going well. I have decided to continue on my education after my undergrad and I am very excited to see what happens. Ray and I have been doing great. We are an awesome team and I think we're really good parents. Molly is adorable and healthy and so much fun. She is growing so quickly and becoming more and more independent everyday and though it makes me sad, I am also very proud. All of our animals love Mo and she adores them. I have been eating much more healthier and exercising more and feel really good.
So, yea.... I'm not a total hag.
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