April 1st and 2nd came and went this year. I only had a few small breakdowns, but otherwise felt pretty ok through the week leading to and the days of the anniversary of the worst days in my life. On the 2nd Ray and I went to Fiddlers (as it seems to be becoming our tradition meal for the loss of Dom). Afterward, we went to Franks for some afternoon drinks. We ended up having a blast. We later went to my moms for dinner - it was a really nice day out and we threw caution to the wind and just had fun. We really felt like we celebrated Dom's life and everything that it has given us, rather than mourning his loss. Because of him, both Ray and I feel like totally different people - with different perspectives and we have grown so much. Because of him, we appreciate most everything and we realize that all of the little trivial stuff just doesn't matter. Interesting, because after talking about our enlightenment, the very next day I was put to the challenge.
My friend deleted me from facebook. Not just a facebook friend, but a real life friend. I have known him since I was 18 years old. When you know someone for that long, they basically know your character and all that you are made up of. I cannot declare that he knew me entirely, because we don't live together and almost always only saw each other on bases founded on fun or loss (he was/is one of Ray's best friends, so he was most def there for our loss). Regardless, he has seen me through a lot of what has defined my character. And he deleted me. Nothing happened. No discussion or argument. Nothing. I was a bit shocked when I saw that we were no longer friends. I went to his page because he's one of my real life friends - and I was going to invite him to the few events we have planned later this month in remembrance of Dominic, and apparently we are no longer friends. Not just on fb, but in real life too, I guess.
I sort of saw this coming. I know that his wife doesn't care for me (to say the least) and that he lives with my ex-husband, I suppose I just thought he wouldn't be pulled in to the drama. The reason his wife hates me, I guess, is simply because I'm me? I don't know. She noted in her hate text that she thinks I am malicious and spiteful. I instantly wrote off her entire argument regarding my character because she, seriously and obviously does not know me in the least. The only issue that I had when she voiced her disdain for me was how it would affect my relationship with her husband. Ray assured me that he wasn't petty like that, and that he really knows who I am and that, indeed, I am not those things. Welp. Here we are. Without anything (literally) done on my part - he apparently does not like me anymore. That is a HUGE hit to the soul (not to mention the ego).
I instantly felt tears running down my cheeks when I realized he deleted me. I was so sad. Heartbroken that my buddy - or so I thought - would just be so silly. I mean, he knows me. Anyway, I was upset. It consumed me for maybe an hour. Then I went to bed.
I woke up the next morning and realized how petty the entire situation was. Even the deleting in declaration that he, too, just does not like me anymore. And I was ok. Sure my feelings are hurt that there are people that I thought were my friends (like, good friends) out there talking shit about me when I have not been around for nearly 8 months - and have not partook in any drama or gossip. But these are things that are out of my control. Apparently these people did not know me the way that I thought they did. And that is fine. I am slowly accepting that sometimes people get consumed with assumptions or accusations and make moves according to what they believe. Their perception is their reality and I cannot argue that. I refuse to save or attempt to save a friendship by begging and pleading for people to understand me or like me. I am used to a tarnished reputation because there are people out there who just love to tarnish it. Reputations are nothing. They are just things that people think about you - they are not who you are. Blag. Even though it is a big pill to swallow, I am in the process of accepting that.
Rather than feeling super sorry for myself, I pulled my big girl panties on and messaged him, just asking why he deleted me. He has yet to answer. I am not surprised. I have sat back and looked at other friendships that I have. The dynamics of them really change when you have a child. The maintenance of them kind of gets put on the back burner. And, of course, going out in the evening to bars is out of the question. Needless to say, I have about 3 girlfriends that I know understand my predicament. Because of this, I then have to evaluate who I truly trust. I mean, these people that now hate me are friends with my friends. And it has been confirmed that they do actually sit around tables at the bar and bash me; so I must evaluate how I feel about that. I have these people, who bash me in front of my "friends" - saying things like how I am malicious and spiteful and my closest "friends" sit there and listen without offering up any defenses. How cowardly to bash someone who is not there to defend themselves? And, in that case, I would want my friends to have my back. Sure, I have done things in my life out of desperation and sadness (mostly through my divorce), but that doesn't define my entire character.
Ever since Dominic and even more so since Molly, I feel like I have so much happiness and appreciation for those in my life that bring me love and support. I really don't need to bother with outside forces of negativity and drama. I tried to shed that all by not going out and not partaking in any gossip about people (because if I have learned anything from my divorce, it is to not assume anything about anyone), but it doesn't seem to be the solution. Maybe I just need to stop associating myself with people who are connected to those that continue to perpetuate the negativity in my life.
I dunno.
Like I said, I need to re-evalutate.
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