Memory Lane

Today as I was driving out of the thick of Elkhart,  entrenched in the directions of my GPS,  I drove upon a town that I once called home.  I was able to put my phone down and enjoy the drive through memory lane.  As I was driving, this song came through my speakers.  With the windows down and the music booming, I fell extremely nostalgic and partly sad.

Part of me wanted to stop at the houses to say hello - to catch up.  Parts of my heart longed for the familiarity of their faces and voices.  Flashes of years spent driving down these roads, surrounded by the beauty of the country side weighed heavy.  Remembering the moments of genuine happiness and content made me sad that that part of my life seems so very long ago.

I have changed so much since those long drives to the countryside to see those faces that once were my family.  I wanted to run into their arms and tell them of my stories and tragedies and how much I have grown and changed.  But I remember that none of that matters.  I caused far too much hurt and devastation to ever be able to recover any of those relationships with grace.

My eyes did not weep, my heart did.  Sometimes I find myself stuck in daydreams of apologies and forgiveness.  Often times, I forget that it is simply something that will never happen.  That I will never be able to experience forgiveness.  The daydreams are really nice, however.

I continued down the country roads, the sky so blue with enormous white clouds and felt the remorse, hard and heavy.  I made a promise to never treat any one person or family with such carelessness.  I have learned my mistake.

Nothing will bring a person out of knee - deep nostalgia like pulling into the driveway of the house that your child is playing in.  As I pulled in, I remembered my life now.  How beautiful it is, how amazing it is.  How I am present for every moment that I am with this incredible person that I have created.  For  in that one moment of paralyzing, profound nostalgia, I was quickly reminded that everything is fleeting. Nothing lasts forever.  As my child ran into my arms, so happy to see me, I released the sadness.  I released the guilt and pain.  I had allowed myself to be reminded of the wonderful times and the truth that I have destroyed it.  But like everything else - I had to let it go.  I must live in the present with my future.  My bright eyed, curly haired, immensely happy little future.

Because all of that sadness is what brought me to her.