My life has changed completely and forever.  I have not blogged on this for awhile for one million reasons.  I am just, a different person. 

I don't really know how people continue on with life after losing a baby.  I have re-read some earlier entries that I had written about Dominic and it had never occurred to me that he would not survive.  No one tells you that sometimes baby's hearts just stop beating.  I feel betrayed by that lack of knowledge.  It is just something you never think about. 

I have lost the love of my life forever.  And I miss him every second of every second.  It is all that I can think about.  I was in shock and disbelief in April and fell into a horribly paralyzing depression in May.  It is now June.  I have been deathly ill as my stress has been physically manifesting itself.  I have been put on anti-depressants.  I am feeling like I can laugh and smile without guilt now.

The autopsy came back.  He was perfect.  There is absolutely no reason that I did not get to keep my baby.  None.  That is a hard and heavy pill to swallow - especially when I feel I will be choking on it forever.

I am figuring out how to manage my sadness.  This gut wrenching pain that I will forever have to live with.  Suddenly all of those things that bothered me or annoyed me or made me angry before - just seem so trivial.  All of the people that irritated me - or that I disliked - I am completely apathetic about.

It is bizarre.  This shift inside of me is indescribable. 

I miss Dominic.  My entire existence is me missing him.  It's a heavy heavy feeling.

I miss Dominic.

Things are not good.

That is an understatement.  I have been hand writing in a journal.  I am not sure how much I will be blogging via internet any more.  Not for awhile, anyway. 

SBRG one year

Last night was SBRG's one year birthday party.  I can not believe it has only been one year.  Insane how quickly it has grown.  I have not yet decided to which degree I would rejoin SBRG after the baby is born.  It's a hard call.  I have three months of just baby - no work or school, I would totally have time for derby again.  I am just worried that I will not be able to commit after the summer.  I have thought about being just a referee, but again - I don't want to have to drop out.  I definitely do not want to coach again.  If I do anything, it would be on skates.  I'm just not sure what to do.

Either way, it was really nice to visit and dance with all of the girls that I have worked so hard with.  I am so proud of all that we have done.  I remember all of the very long, hard hours put in - not only in skates, but on the phone and internet, as head of PR.  It was not easy. 

I wish Matt were alive.  And I wish he would have been able to see what we had done.  I know he was really proud and excited for Sean, Shannon, and I - but I would have really liked to have him see us in action.  He absolutely loved derby.  Ugh.  I miss him.

I am super irritated today.  Because people are so damn childish.  It really makes me laugh. 

And I probably am talking about you.

Meh.

Buddy's birthday was 5 days ago.  I haven't gone to see him yet.  Because the weather is cold for walks right now.  Because I'm so pregnant that every time that I walk - I have to pee. 

I went pee the other day and pulled up my pants.  And had to pee again.  This is getting ridiculous.

Life is about to get insane.  Traci is coming home with the boys at the end of April and we are to celebrate Christi's graduation with commencement.  I should have the baby by then, and at the start of May I have finals.  So, for like - 3 weeks, life will be chaotic.  But once school is out, I should be able to relax and settle into this whole "being a mom" thing.  My last day of work is April 3rd and I could not be more excited.  It is just getting too hard and working for 8 hours puts me out of commission for the rest of the day.  It is simply exhausting.

Otherwise, things have been going great.  The weather could be better - but in Indiana, it could always be better.

Windows are open

....and I'm just going to sit back and remember how much I love 80's/90's r&b.  Fuck it.