Feeling the nostalgia.

Christi and Cyndi's wedding.... 

The last Plinko show...

ever. There will never be another place like Plinko.

Paris, Bill, and my ass.

Hawaii honeymoon/family vacation.

Before this house was mine.

My guy.  Always.

My two fur babies meet for the first time.

I still remember how it feels to snuggle him.

Pookie.  Luke's first love.

Katy's bachelorette party.When we thought marriage was forever...

Matt.  I miss his voice.

When Annie and Amanda were friends....

Sometimes change just sucks.

I had bad dreams, so bad I threw my pillow away.

I hate having dreams that make me feel nostalgic in a sad way.  I hate how fleeting everything in life is. And I am starting to hate memories, especially when those memories contain people who are no longer in your life.


bleh.

A song for dreams

Fall Music

One of my favorite bands to listen to in the fall.  

She'll lie and steal, and cheat, and beg you from her knees
Make you think she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair
But I still love her, I don't really care

When we were young, oh, oh, we did enough
When it got cold, ooh, ooh, we bundled up
I can't be told, ah, ah, it can't be done

It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love's indifference
So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out
And I won't leave until you come downstairs

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love [x2]
Keep your head up, keep your love

And I don't blame you dear for running like you did all these years
I would do the same, you'd best believe
And the highway signs say we're close but I don't read those things anymore
I never trusted my own eyes

When we were young oh, oh, we did enough
When it got cold, ooh, ooh we bundled up
I can't be told, ah, ah, it can't be done

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love [x2]
Keep your head up, keep your love
Head up, love
Head up, love
Head up, love
Head up, love

A Girl's Best Friend

Nearly two weeks ago I was informed that Buddy has cancer.

I am not entirely sure that it has sunk in.                            I may be in denial.

                  I feel numb.   Like I have no right to be sad.
I mourned the loss of him 2 1/2 years ago.  And now I need to prepare to mourn the loss again.

Garth says he only has a few months....


I remember when Buddy was a few years old.  Garth and I were driving down to Wakarusa with Buddy.  We pulled up next to a man in a pick up truck.  He had a dog in the front seat.  They were both really, really old.  I looked at Garth and said, "I'm so excited to grow old with Buddy - it's going to be just.like.that."  Garth looked back at me and quickly reminded me that Buddy would probably die by the time I was 35 and there was no chance in hell that we would grow old together.  I was about 23 years old at the time.  I became very sad and consistently reminded myself of that moment - well, ever since then.


I just can't believe he has cancer.  Cancer.  What the fuck.

I don't know my place in any of this.  I don't really think there is a place for me.  I was able to see him.  It was surreal.  It was as if I had seen him all along.  Not once did it feel weird being with him again.

I had missed him so much.  I still miss him.  I guess I have never stopped missing him.

So I suppose this is the new normal.

Blech.

Summer skin

Summer is officially over.  Kind of, I mean, it is Labor Day.

School has started and this is my capstone semester.  I need only one class after this semester to graduate.  I purposefully am not graduating until May of 2014 because I want to spend as much time with Molly as I can before I have to face the reality of finding a career.  I have decided to wait to see if I decide to go to Grad school.  I am on the fence and would rather not make a decision until I am positive that is something that I want to do.  At the start of every semester, as I enter new classes and remember how much I love to learn, I am certain I will further my education.  At the end of every semester, I am so fucking over school that I swear I am not going to continue my education.  So there lies the conflict. I think I just want to see what is out there after I have my degree and just go from there.

This semester is going to be rough.  I am taking 5 classes and though they are interesting, they will be challenging.  I am not planning on working this semester and just immersing myself in school and my family.  I fear I won't have that option once I am working full-time.

Molly's 1st birthday was the 17th and we had a party for her at a local park.  It was overwhelming, but fun.  She is so loved and spoiled.  I feel really lucky to have all of the people in my life that I do.

I am ready for Fall weather.  The older I get, the more that I love Fall and Spring and dread Summer and Winter.  Neftali and Matt are planning to visit at the end of October and I am so very excited to see them both.  Especially with all of the Fall activities.

Now that Molly is approaching toddler-hood there are new adjustments being made.  It is difficult to not continue to do the same things you're used to.  I am still nursing, though not nearly as much as I once did.  It's hard to wean.  The advice suggests to let the child wean.  But Molly is such a fan of the breast that I fear she'll be nursing until she's 18.  I also want my body back.  I have tried to lose these last 30 pounds by dieting, exercising, cleansing, etc. and my weight won't budge.  Not one single pound.  If I begin to wean, even a little - I'll drop 5 lbs.  It's crazy.  After research, I have read that often times, rather than losing weight while nursing, a lot of women gain and maintain weight.  I am not sure why this is the case, but I think I fall into that category.  Nonetheless, she's having a difficult time giving up the boob and it is hard to not give it to her.  I mean, I'd rather just give her my boob at 3am than get up to make a bottle.  We're still co-sleeping too.  I typically will lay beside her and nurse her to sleep, both at nap-time and night time.  I am currently attempting to move her to her crib, at least for nap-time.  She is currently screaming and crying from the top of her lungs as I type this.  *sigh.... it sucks.

Christi has finally finished her Master's degree and I am really proud of her.  In all honesty, watching her go through 2 years of non-stop work really deterred myself from Grad school.  She completed it online and literally went to school for 2 years straight.  Fuck that.  I am, however, taking the free LSAT exam at ND in October and am trying to convince Christi to take it with me.  I have tried convincing her to get her PHD, but I don't think she has any desire.  I am only taking the LSAT because I am curious to see what it is like and because it is free.  I am actually pretty excited to take it.

Christi and Cyndi are going to Hawaii next week to celebrate their graduations and 5 year wedding anniversary.  They three dogs they have are going to myself, my mom, and Cyndi's parents.  We are getting Tegan.  I am pretty excited.  The girls all really get along.  Cooper, the three legged dog is going to my moms.  Rocco and Cooper met last week and did really well together.  I was surprised considering they're both boys and Rocco is a German Shepard and Cooper is a pittie.  They both were abused and both are passive, so that's probably why they get along so well.  It's probably a nice therapy for them too.  My mom has a huge backyard and the boys love playing together.  Camden is going to Cyndi's parent's house.  They have a chocolate lab that is older, so Camden and her really enjoy their "senior" time together going on slow walks with Grandpa and getting boiled carrots everyday.

Katy leaves for Portland 2 days after Christi leaves for Hawaii.  I'll have nearly 2 weeks without my two best friends.  I am excited to hear all about their trips.  Especially Katy, she'll be seeing Matt for the first time since Jan. of 2002.  Crazy.  Katy and Seans divorce was final exactly 7 years from their wedding anniversary.  Bizarre.  Their divorce has been amazingly amicable and really respectful.  I wish I would have had that experience.  They both are seeing other people who respect their divorce and marriage and have really helped make the experience much more pleasant than it could have been.  It really makes me proud of them.  If for some reason Ray and I ever split up, I hope we can have a respectful separation - especially because of Molly, but most of all because even though the relationship is over, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't love him anymore.  I have learned from my past and learned from seeing Katy and Sean.  Though I hope and really don't think Ray and I will ever really split, it's still good to think about and mentally prepare for (the respect and amicability, not the separating).

Other than Molly screaming her throat out now for the past 20 minutes, everything is good.  I am so unbelievably happy and content that sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself.