Dominick Joseph

I have so much to say but not many words or much heart to say them.  DJ died on Saturday the 1st of February.  It has been 10 days and my life still seems so empty.  I still feel so cold.  The day was too sad for me to recall on this.  It was a day of panic and devastation.  My heart is hollow, I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

I stare at his obituary as if this hasn't really happened.  I look at photos of him or of him and I and I still feel like he is here but yet feel so empty because he isn't here.  The grief is so different from any other grief.  Is it all the same?  Am I constantly and continuously grieving every loss along with this one?  I don't know.  My life just feels so numb.

Of course DJ was medically fragile.  It is all that I have ever known.  But once you are told over and over and over that your brother won't live past age 3 or 7 or 10 and he consistently proves everyone wrong, you begin to live with them as if every 'normal', healthy person in your life.  Did my family and I take for granted his life by living it alongside him as though he would or could outlive us?  I don't know.  At the same time, we have all prepared for this time.  I mean, he was constantly reminding us that he could go every time with every emergency visit to the hospital and stay in Intensive Care Unit.  I could tear this all apart and try to (over) analyze it - as I do everything.  I could think of all of the things that I would do differently - as I always do.  But I won't.  He was my older brother and disability or not, I know our relationship would have been the same regardless.  I cannot have any regrets ever about him.  He was my brother and I loved (love) him immensely.

As he laid there, lifeless I could do nothing but snuggle him and tell him profusely how much I love him.  I couldn't say it enough times.  And I don't think it matters how much you tell someone that you love them.  When they lye there lifeless the love pours out of you and you can only hope that half of it absorbs into the air, their spirit, their body.  I wept over him for what  feels like hours.

I don't know how many people have to die to make me feel as though I no longer exist.  With every person that I love infinitely dies, I feel as thought bits of me goes with them.  Am I even whole anymore?

DJ was the glue to my family.  That is certain.  My heart is so heavy and with every deep, grieving sigh that I breathe I remember how it felt approaching his body.

I just can't believe he is gone.  My family is broken.  I cannot even begin to tackle comforting my parents.  I don't even know how to do it.  I know what it is like to lose a child and there is nothing that can be done.  So I just sit with them.  I sit and I try to make them feel better with moments of laughter and hugs.  I just feel so helpless.

sleepy time

I am officially the owner of a minivan.  Don't laugh.

I was able to squeeze 10 good years out of the Aveo.  She was no longer 'safe' to drive a toddler around in.

The search for a vehicle was stressful and deciding whether or not to take out a loan for a newer vehicle was tough.  I opted to pay in full.  The last thing I want are car payments.

I must say, I dig my minivan.  It's pretty rad.  It's much bigger than the Aveo - I am actually pretty positive the Aveo would fit inside this van.  It's fun.  It gets me to and fro, so I suppose it's serving it's purpose.


I am interning this semester at the YWCA.  I am working the crisis desk and begin next week.  I am pretty excited and nervous at the same time.  I am growing anxious thinking of finding employment after graduation.  I am just not sure if I should continue my education right away or not.

I have been looking into getting Molly into gymnastics at Gymnastics Michiana.  I tumbled there as a child up until high school.  They have a toddler program that runs 8 weeks at a time and I think I'm going to enroll her this summer.

I am tired, and it's late.  I always blog when it's late and I have to be up early.  Such a waste of time and thought.

G' night.

It's a new year, I'm glad to be here...

This song is the greatest.  I typically listen to it every New Year.  This is the only good thing that ever came out of my friendship with Levi.  Word up.

Ray bought me an ipad mini and I have been obsessed with it, so this is the first time I have typed on an actual keyboard in awhile.  It feels funny.  My left shift key also decided to stop working again, so that's annoying.

It's 2014!  Fucking crazy!  School starts next week, I thought it was suppose to start tomorrow and was pleasantly surprised when my vacation was extended by one week.  Whaddddupppp.

Christmas was exhausting.  Molly had a blast opening ALL of the presents - even the ones that I had wrapped under our tree that were not for her.  Regardless, she has now mastered opening presents.  My girl.

As I type this, we are experiencing a 'blizzard'.  Blizzard?  I dunno.  It's fraking cold and snowy and shit is suppose to be gnarly tomorrow.  I have spent nearly 95% of my vacation in my house and am feeling a little stir crazy, if that is not apparent through my text.

Ray fucking spoiled me this year and gave me one million gifts.  I truly was not expecting half of what he got me since we have a child now.  He had Dana's dad make me a ring, bought me an ipad mini, purchased a ton of clothes from alternative apparel, got me a vaporizer, a new super cozy blanket, and a ton of candles, and some kitchen stuff.  What the hell.  Best gifts ever.

We spent NYE home and I kicked out the Breaking Bad series.  Pretty good shit.  I throughly enjoyed staying in this year.  Going out always sounds good in theory, but sucks ass once I am actually out.  I realize more and more just how introverted I have become.  It's quite opposite from who I used to be.

I'm blogging because I'm stir crazy and not because I have any sort of decent ability to actually convey what I have done or how I feel.  So I guess I'll stop now.

Good day.

2013 in review

Ray and Mo rode these bikes.

While I rode this bike.

We had a membership to the zoo.  So we went... a lot.

Ray moved his shop out and mo cannot jump from boxes anymore.

......or get ink all over her face.

She wasted a $10 bag of Stevia.

We weaned from nursing and had many naptimes like this:

My mom got Molly a piano and she LOVES it.

 I got a pair of vintage glasses.

 We found Lydia a better home with Jerry.They are bff's

 I dyed my hair blonde.

We dog sat Tegan a lot.

I was unable to bathe often. And frequently looked like this.

We lost Buddy.

And my favorite chair broke.

I partied hard with Andrew WK

And got a lot of tattoo work done.

Molly got a bigger diaper bag.

And dressed as a lion for Halloween.

I became better friends with this girl.

And these guys both came for a visit.

I thought this meme was the funniest ever.

 We dressed as Wizard of Oz characters for Halloween

 I wore this hat A LOT.

 And studied A TON.

 Had some of the best talks with this lady.

 And went to Chicago a few times to get my hair done.

I found out these are gluten free and rejoiced.

And then I dyed my hair purple.

I broke into Plinko.

 I remembered Garth's 'diva water'

I chased this naked butt all over the house.

 

And was able to witness her grow into quite the ham.

This really resonated with me.

“Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo.
I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now.I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again.”

Author Unknown

Long December

It is the start of December and I have only one week left of classes.  I have grown weary from this mundane semester.  Actually.  I don't know that it is mundane, per se.  I think I just accomplished everything that needed to be done much earlier than I ever have before and perhaps that is why I am just so over it.

I had to conduct my own research for my capstone this semester and it had to be on something specific to South Bend and crime.  I did mine on burglary rates and clearances in SB.  My professor (who is also head of my department) said it needed to be as good a scholarly article, which made it far more daunting than it needed to be.  In the end it wasn't so bad.  I wrote 25 pages and feel really good about it.  This is my last semester with any CJ classes.  It's kind of sad.  Next semester I am finishing up my minor in Sociology.  I am seeking an internship with the JJC and am pretty stoked on it.  If all goes well, I may be able to obtain employment with them right out of school.

Winter break is quickly approaching and as always, I am excited for the break.  This will be my very last opportunity to actually have a break around Christmas time.  It bums me out that once I get a real job I can't just take multiple days off all willy nilly around the holiday.  Total boner killer.  It's realizations such as this that makes me want to just go to Grad School so I can fuck off a little longer with no job, spend more time with Molly, and come out with more opportunity for more money.  Regardless of any position that I get in my field, it's simply not a lucrative field.  So that kind of sucks.

Carrie and Vince had a memorial for Art on Sunday as his parents decided to have a very small, family only gathering for his funeral.  I saw faces that I haven't seen in 10 years and it was weird, awkward, but a bit nostalgic.  Arthur had a 'fiance' and she was there.  She is very young and I am sure that if Arthur were alive, he probably would have been mortified by her antics.  I went into the whole situation of meeting her negatively.  She had been posting from Art's fb page, which I already find completely distasteful, and her grammar and tact lacks greatly.  So, I was already put off by her.  Katy and I would talk about how crazy she is and I would just remind her that if Art were here he would just tell us to be nice to her.  He was super nice and rarely did he put anyone down.  I knew that he would simply just want us to be nice to her.  The memorial was only a few hours long and half way through I looked at Katy and asked if she thought we should introduce ourselves and give our condolences.  Katy nodded her head and we made our way up to Abbie.  Our conversation was bizarre.  She was oddly combative with me once she grasped that my name was Erin (she asked 3 times).  She asked if I was the girl whose name Art tattooed on his body.  She then asked if I had tattooed his name on my body (to which I quickly replied no).  She aggressively stated that Art talked about me 'all of the time' and I felt extremely uncomfortable.  We went back to our seat as soon as we could and I was pretty upset.  She said much MUCH more, but it's not worth blogging about.  She basically told me things that Art told her that were not true.  The basis to the stories that she told me were true, but everything else was not.  Art obviously had told her these things because she would not know them otherwise.  It just upset me that Art believed whatever it was that he told her.  It was nothing bad or negative, it was just different from what actually happened.  His perception of what took place may have magnified his love for me and perhaps that is why she was a bit aggressive and combative with me.  Given she is substantially younger than I (and obviously Art) I am sure she felt compelled to state her exact place in his life.  Regardless, I had not anticipated such an exchange and it knocked the wind out of my sail.  It was very strange.

Afterward, Annie and I drove past Art's old house on Franklin.  Of course we were nostalgic, so we drove to old Plinko.  It didn't take much to break in, but I don't think Annie thought that I would actually do it, so seeing the look on her face was pretty priceless.  I took many photos of the house, which I will post at a later date.  All of the wiring had been taken out.  The walls were gone.  There was about 1 or 2 feet of drywall, plaster, etc. thick on the floor throughout the entire house.  There were no counters or appliances - I don't even think I saw support beams (which I realize was super unsafe).  Bob (our old landlord) died about a year ago and he owned the house as it was paid off.  I am not entirely sure what they're doing with it, but it has been vacant since we moved out and I really think they're going to level it.  It's a shame, really.  With some work that house could be beautiful.  I always loved the layout and if I had the money, would totally revamp it.

There is something a little comforting in the fact that it will be torn down, however.  That place holds so many memories for so many people that I don't think any other person living there would be appropriate.  My life after that house basically crumbled.  Maybe the house should crumble too.  My life, much like the house after destruction, was rebuilt and made beautiful.  I imagine that is also what will happen to that corner once the mess is cleaned up.
Symbolic.  I can dig it.

 I'm typing without my glasses and while lounging on the couch.  The strain is a bit much.

Mr. Budders.

There are no words to describe the sadness and heaviness that weighs on my heart.  Buddy was the first  being that I loved unconditionally and selflessly.  He had the best life and was loved dearly.  I will never forget him and the tremendous amount of love he filled my heart with.  I wish nothing more but for him to be with Dominic playing ball and giving kisses relentlessly.  

03/21/2003-11/2013

I love you so.