I went to the beach today.  I have gone a lot since I have been diagnosed and am able to not shit my pants all of the time.  It's quite lovely (not shitting my pants AND going to the beach).  Today, I went with Leslie.  We were there for quite some time and it was beautiful out.  We swam for a very long time, then just passed out on our towels.  On the drive home we listened to some very nostalgic music.  We talked of Matt and cried a little.  We took the scenic route, so it's pretty safe to say that this was, indeed, the best trip to the beach this summer.

I arrived home and Ray was already at work.  It was 5pm and the dishes were done (which is the direct route to my heart).  I began cooking (which is a very new and fun hobby of mine).  I cooked in the quiet house and chatted with Beatrice.  Once dinner was done, I sat to watch a movie.  30 minutes in my mother calls to see if I wanted to drive up to the girls campsite this evening.  I had just settled in for the evening so I declined the invite and had extended an invite for my mother to come watch movies with me.  She accepted and is on her way over now.

Tomorrow morning Katy and I are going for a very long walk to kick off our Labor Day weekend.  Half way through the walk, we will stop at Jamba Juice because I have just discovered my love for it and it is, basically, the only way you can get me up and walking butt early on a Saturday morning.

Dominic would have been 5 months old today.  I can not believe it has been 5 months since I've seen that face.  I still miss him so much.

I am starting to lose my hair.  This happens with Celiac Disease.  I started a 2 month vitamin regimen in hopes it will help the situation.  We shall see.  I had a mini meltdown the other day.  I just let Ray hold me as I cried into his shirt.  *sigh.....

My classes are awesome this semester.  I am really looking forward to it all. 

We are going on holiday in late September to Gatlinberg.  The house we got is amazing.  I think this trip will do good for all of our hearts. 

The other day I caught myself saying that I love my 30's.  It was weird, considering all that has happened thus far.  I just think I am way more equipped now to be dealing with all of this stuff.  Even though it is still gut wrenching complex and devastating.

I still haven't heard from Medicaid regarding my court date.  I hope I really socked it to 'em.

Posting an entire update would be far too daunting for this lady....  Rather, I'll post a list.

• After 32 blood draws, 8 stool samples, an EKG, 2 ultra sounds on my guts, a colonoscopy, and an upper endoscopy we have concluded that I have Celiac Disease.
• Because of this disease, it is very likely the reason Dominic did not survive.
• This feeling is very bittersweet.  I am happy to have an "answer", but sad that the only thing I had to have done is taken gluten out of my diet to have my guy here with me.
• This lifestyle change has been overwhelming, but empowering. Because of the change I have taken very well to learning how to cook - well.
• I am feeling very VERY healthy lately - thank god.  I was, literally, starving to death.
• I have been going to therapy once a week and am starting to learn to move forward.
• I have read countless books on grieving and am learning to embrace my loss and move through it.
• I am still sad - all of the time - but able to laugh, love, and keep him with me, everyday.
• I have been back to work for 3 weeks now and am happy to contribute to the house.  It feels good.
• I start school in one week and have finished most of my classes from the Spring semester.
• I buzzed my head - like, with a buzzer.  It was another Britney Spears freak out.  That is okay.
• Ray is working full time at Replicant and part time at the liquor store - and it's going very well.

Here is a beautiful song that has become our family song in our house.  It reminds me of Ray and Dominic.  I love it.

It's July 2nd.  Dominic would have been 3 month old today.  It seems as though the days go by so quickly only to come to a complete halt on the 2nd.  Everything just stops for me. 

I have still been very sick.  I have an appointment with a GI specialist on the 7th.  They are thinking that I have Crohn's Disease.  I have researched this disease and I am pretty much the text book definition.  I have lost nearly 25 pounds.  I am a meager 120 lbs - literally soaking wet.  This morning I was at 115, but I am always able to put water weight on throughout the day to bring me to 120 - at least.  I don't feel comfortable this thin.

There is no definitive way to link this disease to pregnancy and I am currently in appeal with my Medicaid in hopes that it will cover all of my appointments, blood draws, ultra-sounds, and future appointments.  I do not think it will.  If I could link the two with validity, it may - but I am not confident that it will.

Aside from trying to feel better and really wanting to get back to work the stress of my not working and not contributing to our income is beginning to become stressful.  I cannot imagine how we would have done financially if everyone that donated money to us, hadn't. 

Medicaid and money, or lack thereof is an entire other stress that I should not be having to deal with right now.  But such is life.

Not one second goes by that I don't think about Dominic.  I miss him all of the time - it is consuming me.  It has not paralyzed me since May, so I think this is normal.  The anti-depressants are really helping.  I have finished my Spanish class and managed to do so with an A.  I earned another A from another class and only have 2 more classes to make up.  It feels good to continue on with finishing my semester.  It is, however, a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I am now fancying myself to be quite the warrior - and it is, literally, all that is motivating me to push through this grief in a healthy way.

I have stopped my group therapy.  The more that I am healing, the more I tend to find myself only wanting to talk about Dominic to people that I really know.  People that cared about him.  My sister says that it is okay for me to feel that way.  I am always asking, hoping to gain some insight as to whether or not I am being a total nut job about the loss of my son.

Katy, Christi, and Ray have all continued to be my rocks.  They are my heroes.  I really am so very grateful for them.  My mom and dad worry about my health, and I hate that they do so while they are also still grieving.  I just never like seeing my parents so sad or worried.

I could type more, but my battery is about to die.  I have no idea when I will write more.

My life has changed completely and forever.  I have not blogged on this for awhile for one million reasons.  I am just, a different person. 

I don't really know how people continue on with life after losing a baby.  I have re-read some earlier entries that I had written about Dominic and it had never occurred to me that he would not survive.  No one tells you that sometimes baby's hearts just stop beating.  I feel betrayed by that lack of knowledge.  It is just something you never think about. 

I have lost the love of my life forever.  And I miss him every second of every second.  It is all that I can think about.  I was in shock and disbelief in April and fell into a horribly paralyzing depression in May.  It is now June.  I have been deathly ill as my stress has been physically manifesting itself.  I have been put on anti-depressants.  I am feeling like I can laugh and smile without guilt now.

The autopsy came back.  He was perfect.  There is absolutely no reason that I did not get to keep my baby.  None.  That is a hard and heavy pill to swallow - especially when I feel I will be choking on it forever.

I am figuring out how to manage my sadness.  This gut wrenching pain that I will forever have to live with.  Suddenly all of those things that bothered me or annoyed me or made me angry before - just seem so trivial.  All of the people that irritated me - or that I disliked - I am completely apathetic about.

It is bizarre.  This shift inside of me is indescribable. 

I miss Dominic.  My entire existence is me missing him.  It's a heavy heavy feeling.

I miss Dominic.

Things are not good.

That is an understatement.  I have been hand writing in a journal.  I am not sure how much I will be blogging via internet any more.  Not for awhile, anyway.