Everyday anxiety.

.....and yet another successful pregnancy and delivery for one of my friends.  There have been nearly five or six at this point.  With each one I find myself more and more anxious.  I just don't know that I can handle this anticipation, or the wait for the impending doom of bad news for me and Molly.  It's really hard to stay positive - no matter how well the pregnancy is going.  I am just so damn nervous, scared, anxious.......

I just want her here safe and sound.  I don't know that I can handle anything other than that.  I think I'd just crumble to bits.

It's hard when you damage a relationship way far beyond repair.  I have only done this once.  Reflecting on everything done, and knowing it was all of the wrong things to do is not only humbling, but devastating.  When you get to a point where nothing you say even matters anymore you just stop saying things.  Because well, it just doesn't matter anymore.  I have struggled with forgiving myself for the hurt and damage I have caused.  Not just damage to the relationship, but to the person's person.  For so long I have focused on my damaged goods.  When you do that you forget exactly how much you have damaged the other person.  I walked away from the entire situation over a year ago with the thought that I would heal much better.  I thought that I had for awhile.  I began to forgive myself and felt that even though the relationship is damaged beyond repair, we are both much happier people - living a life that we really want to be living and a life that we wouldn't have been able to with each other.  When you go awhile without thinking about the past, sometimes you forget the past was so damaging.  I was abruptly reminded last night that, indeed, what I have done is not healed or forgiven, and may never be.  I was complete shock as I was living so obliviously, truly believing that as long as we just pretend we no longer know each other, wounds would heal.  Finding out the opposite really unravels the sutures that you believed had caused the healing to begin and sets the forgiving of oneself back quite a bit.  I do not regret a lot, but I do regret hurting him the way that I did.  No one deserves that.  No one.  And in this moment, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us," has never felt more relevant.

So many things have been going on lately that I haven't had time to even blog.

After two more shifts I will be leaving Le Peep and working at Awesome Place as the front house manager.  The owner reached out to me needing help as he has never managed the front of the house before and really needed help.  I decided to switch jobs for multiple reasons.  I worked the other night tending bar and I already know that I am going to love it.  I am, however, leaving on good terms with Le Peep just in case.  It's always nice to know that I have something I can fall back on.

I am nearly 22 weeks along in my pregnancy and feel great.  I have yet to get heartburn (which is the complete opposite of Dominic) and the exhaustion part is starting to fade away.  The baby looks totally normal and healthy and I am relieved greatly.  She has started to kick so I have been using the doppler a lot less which has done wonders for my mental.  I have gained 30 lbs already and still have a bit of weight to gain.  My doctor assures me that my weight gain is because of the insulin and not because of my diet.  I already knew that considering it is difficult to overindulge when you're a diabetic/celiac.  The bigger my placenta grows, the more insulin I have to inject.  The weight gain, as always, is difficult, but I do my best to just focus on giving birth to an alive, healthy baby.  I can worry about my weight later (if I ever have time, between worrying about the baby once she's here...)  Regardless, letting go of vanity has been really good for my soul even though I am totally out of my comfort zone.

I began working on the nursery last week.  I had not done anything with it since Dominic died.  The weekend we lost him, while I was in the hospital Mike and Dana came over and put the pack and play and swing from the living room into the nursery so that I wouldn't have to see it when I returned home from the delivery.  Those two things, along with many others have just been sitting in there gathering dust for over a year.  I just couldn't bring myself to touch any of it.  I struggled more with the nursery than I even gave thought to.  Christi, Katy, and I sorted through Dominic's clothes and boxed up what I wanted to keep for memory, and boxed up what could be re-gifted (because I have one million friends giving birth to boys), and boxed up what was going to goodwill.  It was a bit difficult and sad for all of us.  I have been doing a good job with trying to bond with Molly.  I have bought a few items for her, but sometimes it is just still so hard for me to believe that I will be bringing home a baby.  Every once in awhile I just think all of these things can wait until she is, for sure, here - but I don't want to be unprepared.  I have yet to call my therapist and I know I really need to.  My medicaid just went through last week, however, so this is something on my to-do list.

School is over and I never, ever, ever, ever HAVE to take Spanish again.  I really should, but it's just so much damn work.  I actually LOVE spanish and I am good at it, too.  I just don't think I can invest more of myself into it.  Not yet, anyway.  Regardless, I am super pumped to have the summer off.  I know I had last summer off, but between grieving and being deathly ill, it didn't really feel like much of a vacation.

I am hoping and praying that by the end of August Ray and I have our healthy happy girl at home with us.  It is less than 20 weeks away.  I am excited, nervous, anxious, scared.....but happy.  It is nice to feel hope again.

I miss Matt.  A lot.

My rump.

I have been giving my insulin shots into my butt for the past month.  Typically the site in which a shot is given will plump, I am not entirely sure why, it is just something I have observed.  My ass is huge and it's pretty awesome.  I have never had any sort of ass, so it is a whole new feeling.  I'm guessing it's from the insulin and not the pregnancy.  I'm hoping that's the cause because I really don't want to say goodbye to this.  It's really too bad that breasts are not a location in which one can give themselves injections because that would be amazing.

• I am not doing summer classes.  I don't care if it sets my graduating back a semester.  I'd rather graduate with good grades than steamroll through it with shitty grades.  I'm just so over it.

• It is the start of April and Annie and I already had a garage sale and it was a success.  People are crazy for plus size clothes and because of this, Annie is the best person to have a yard sale with.

• I am realizing how devastated Beatrice is going to be when the baby arrives and that breaks my heart.  

• I really hate being pregnant.  I mean, a lot.  It's just such a drag.

So they say....

Well, they're saying I will produce a girl.  It is still a bit too early, but clearly there is no penis. 

I am not a smug pregnant woman.  I cannot stand smug people in general.  But I can honestly say that I truly did not care what the sex is.  I really really only care that it is healthy.  So far baby looks 100% healthy and that makes me the happiest ever.  It does not, however, stop me from checking the heart beat nearly every day.  Meh, what do you do? 

Dominic's birthday has come and gone and it was a good day.  The days before were very heavy and I found myself lying around on the couch most days with bouts of crying, but I got through it.  Nearly 30 of my friends came to release balloons and have lunch in honor of Dominic.  I truly have the best of friends.  We later had dinner at my mom's to celebrate Dom, it was very nice. 

I have only 3 weeks of the semester left and I could not be more excited.  Though I have enrolled in summer classes I am planning on having a wonderful summer.  I don't know how I can be so ambitious, really.  I am due September 11th.  I know we will probably induce labor mid August.  I am taking summer 1 and 2 sessions AND have enrolled in the fall. 

This will be an adventure, for sure.  Having babies is the biggest adventure I have ever had and it is simply the best.