My attempt to catch up...

After 5 months of frantically living day to day, I have felt as though I am finally lifting my head from being buried in the sand to see the world around me.  Having a baby is hard.

I finished off last semester with 2 B's and an A.  Not the best for me, but considering I had a baby 2 weeks before classes started - I am pleased.  I am currently into the Spring semester and taking on a full load of classes.  I am pleased to say that I absolutely love all of my classes and won't be nearly as bored as I was last semester.  I, literally, did not study one lick for my finals last semester - I had never done that before; I was just so over it.  I feel motivated and pumped to kick ass this semester.

I haven't been working much lately.  I honestly have just been feeling 'meh' about work.  I don't know why.  I've played around with the idea of going back to Le Peep, but I can't seem to make up my mind. Waking up at 5am just isn't really appealing.  Having a baby is work - all of the time, so the thought of going to work and busting my ass somewhere else just sucks.  My current job is so laid back, it doesn't really feel like work; it just feels like a place to hang out and get a break from being a mom.

Christmas was good, aside from losing Stza on Christmas Eve.  Molly was spoiled much more than I had anticipated.  Glenn was home and it was so good to be able to see him again.  He came over on my birthday morning before I was awake and cooked Ray and I my favorite Hawaiin breakfast.  He made Loco Moco and peanut butter banana pancakes.  It was so good.  12 of us later had dinner at Hana Yori then came back to my house to play board games.  It was the best birthday I've had in years.  I worked on NYE and it was a blast.  It was the first time in years that I actually celebrated.  I made a lot of money and got to hang out with some of my favorite people.  The rest of my break was spent hanging out with family and Molly - it was really great.

I am becoming quite frustrated with my weight.  I'm actually not real bothered by the weight more so than my flabs.  My A1C was great the last draw that I had, but my TSH was not so good.  I've doubled on my meds so hopefully that helps, I just feel like losing weight is so difficult with all of these health issues.  Normally I can lose weight, no problem, so this is frustrating.  I need to workout more.  I am so damn busy that I find it difficult to make time to work out.  Whenever I do have the time, I always feel as though I should be doing something more productive around the house or something.  I need more motivation.  Perhaps I should just start doing some workouts at home.  .....it's just so annoying.

I met with a tattoo artist for my next piece.  I am going to have Amber Olsen tattoo a custom piece for me and I'm pretty excited.  I always feel bad at the thought of dropping so much money on a tattoo, so I never have gotten the fairly large pieces that I'd like to get.   I've decided to finally start on everything that I want.  I've seen her work before and trust that she will come up with something proper for me.  I told her I want a Phoenix/Peacock bird.  Phoenix's are so easily made to look ugly that I wanted to bring some qualities of a peacock with it.  I want a phoenix for the symbolism of a re-birth, but also wanted to incorporate the meaning of the peacock, which is acceptance and openness.   When Dominic died, I really felt like the entire process allowed for me to be re-born.  And with that re-birth, I really had no choice but to accept it.  With my acceptance of his death, I have made efforts to accept all of the things that I cannot change.  This is very huge for me, as acceptance was something that took a long time for me to grasp.  I have found a lot of growth through the loss of him.  Amber loves adding flowers to her work so I told her that if we could incorporate April, August, and December flowers - that would be rad.  That would incorporate Dom, Mo, Ray and myself.  I told her that I'm into antique/vintage things  - so we'll see what she comes up with.  She said she's going to draw up 3 or 4 things for me to choose from.  It will be a pretty substantial piece on my upper arm and full of color.  I'm super stoked.  Once we're finished with that I am going to finish up my chest piece.   I plan to turn what I have now into victorian scroll and in a font close to calligraphy write, "This Too Shall Pass", I'd like a feather pen coming off of the last 's' in 'pass' - I'd like it to be grey and black and pretty clean and basic.  My parents always said that to us growing up and the older I get the more relevant that phrase seems.  Everything is fleeting.  The good and the bad.  It all passes.  Because of that, I do my best to be present.  I basically live by that.

I've been growing my hair out.  Needless to say, I wear hats all of the time.  I always feel like such a scumbag.

I'm rambling now.  I should just go to bed.

Stza James 2002-2012

Lots has happened since my last post.  I am so very sad to say that our beloved Stza has passed away.  Though he was extremely high maintenance and expensive, he was Ray's first real companion.  He was his best friend and with him through everything for nearly 11 years.  The structure of our lives were built around him and though it has been a few weeks since he died, it still feels weird, a little empty, often lonely, and very quiet without him.  We came home Christmas Eve around 10:50pm from my Dad's Christmas Eve gathering.  He was lying there, on the floor, and looked as though he was seizing.  His body was going and we're not sure if his mind was still there.  We dropped everything and ran by his side.  We began crying in hysterics and Ray knelt down beside him.  He talked to Stza, telling him it was okay to go as I ran to the refrigerator to get his insulin screaming, "No!  No, not yet!"  I injected him with triple the amount of insulin he normally gets thinking that, if he was acting this way because of his sugar - perhaps I could get it down.  I knew it wasn't his sugar.  I told Ray I'd take him to the ER right then, and he continued to deny my offer.  I think we knew what was happening.  It all happened so fast.  There was a few minutes between seizing.  He laid there, so helpless.  Ray just talked to him.  He told him that he was his best friend and how much he loved him between sobs.  He seized again for a moment and, again, lost control of his bladder.  I knew what was happening.  His breaths got more and more shallower by the second.  He took his final breath.  He laid in Rays arms.  He passed away at 11:13pm.  I've never felt so sad for someone before.  I know Stza had the best life that he could possibly have, and that no other family could have possibly given him everything and I am not even sure I am sad for Stza, as I feel he is finally resting peacefully and not sick anymore.  It's Ray that I am heartbroken for.  Ours lives instantly changed the moment Stza took his last breath.  Everything became more quiet.  I miss him.  I know Ray misses him.  And I know Beatrice most certainly misses him.  He was a snuggly, barky little fella and our lives will not be the same without him.

I'll never forget you, guy.

my little rosies.

i love ani difranco.

and tori amos.

lisa loeb <3

the indigo girls.....and hey, i'm not afraid to admit it - pink too.

......just been in an incredibly empowered mood lately.

I'm trying to get better at this thing.

I have either nursed or pumped my breasts  every 2-4 hours consistently for the last 3 months.  Shit sucks.  Breastfeeding is tough and you really have to commit to it.  It's become some sort of competition with me.  I'm determined to do it at least until Mo is 6 months.  Mostly because my milk helps her build immunity to diabetes.  I'd hate if she got it - it's the worst.  Word on the street is that if you live a raw diet for 30 days, it's possible to reverse diabetes, or at least stabilize sugars better.  I am hoping to give this a try at the start of the new year.  No way would I be able to be raw through the holidays.

The holidays are approaching and I've done really well with shopping early.  I am feeling way less stressed than usual for this time of  year.  I'm so excited to give everyone their gifts, it will be fun.

Ray and I are going to Chicago Friday to see Louis CK.  It will be the third time that Molly has spent overnight without us.  It is, however, the first time we will be out of town overnight.  I'm a bit nervous. I have the entire weekend off for some good face time with Ray and I can't wait.  We've both been working non stop since Mo was born, it'll be nice to enjoy each other for some time.

I have been weeding out a lot of "friends"as of lately.  Having a baby reminds me of when I was 23 and quit going to the bars all of the time.  It makes you realize who your real friends are, or who you just thought were your friends.  I've no time for any negativity in my life and when I find it lurking nearby, I quickly brush it off - or even write the person off and move forward.  My life has officially topped off with so much business, that I have no time for such things like, drinking all night, gossip, drama, or anything like that.  These things, I have found, typically are surrounded by going out to the bars constantly.  Since I don't go out - I really only have positives in my life.  It's really nice.  Working at a bar is difficult because sometimes the drama seeps through, however, I just brush it off and don't partake.  Waiting on people has always bowed well for interesting conversations, directly or indirectly.  Drunk people are funny and normally forget that the bartender isn't drinking and is not drunk.  It's comical at times.

i am annoyed.

for some reason the shift key on the left side of my computer isn't working.  it bugs me when i can't capitalize things.

i have these two girls that, for some reason, have beef with me and it's annoying.  somehow, they did something whack - and they're too self absorbed, guilty, and pathetic to be a big person and move forward.  rather, they create scenarios in their mind - run their mouths to people that they think won't tell me, and block me from facebook.  it's a shame that they live their lives this way.  i, literally, squashed the issue (when they did their shitty thing) and, for some reason, the drama continues.  it's bizarre when you go about your drama free life and yet, continuously hear stories from others about certain bar flies that have nothing else to do with their time.  it makes me sad for them.

working sundays is pointless as we never get customers.  it's a waste of time and money and it irks me that i work most every sunday morning.  i understand why i do, as it would be mean to make anyone else work - i just don't understand why we aren't closed sundays.  meh.

i have one month left of the semester and i have yet to start on any of my papers.  i keep telling myself that i am going to make progress and i never do.  i have become annoying to myself.

i'm just annoyed with it all, basically.

An overdue post

I just love being a mom.  Molly is such a good baby and Ray and I adore her.  My life has been so busy with school, work, and Molly that I haven't had time to blog about anything.

Molly is 8 weeks old and it feels like I gave birth yesterday.  Time is flying.  She is reaching all of the appropriate milestones, which is an achievement in itself considering she was 1 month premature.  She just melts my soul.

I have found myself missing Dominic a lot lately.  I miss him a lot all of the time, so I suppose I should rephrase that to, I've been feeling more waves of sadness over the loss of Dominic lately.  Sometimes I just stare at Molly while she's sleeping and feel sad that her big brother isn't here.  I would give anything to see how they would have been together.  I miss him so much.

I have been utilizing everyone in our lives that want to help out with Molly and I am realizing that it does take a village to raise a child.  I could not imagine being a single mother.  It must be the hardest job on the planet.

I have only 11 more classes before I graduate.  I can graduate in Dec. '13, but I think I'm going to stretch it out until May '14.  The closer I get to being done, the more scared I get about my career.  In some aspects I still feel like  a child, not knowing what I want to be when I grow up.

Ray and I are doing great.  We work great together with Molly, and he is such a good dad.  I love seeing his face when he holds Molly.

I am looking forward to the holidays and taking time off of school and work to be with the family.  My parents are just smitten with Molly and she is already spoiled.

Things are really, really good.

midnight city