Feeling bummed out lately. Feel frustrated, under appreciated, and just all around meh. Not that I feel that I need any pats on the back or 'thank you's', but it would be nice every now and then to get some glimpse of appreciation. Something.
Ugh. Maybe I am just burnt out. But in that same thought I second guess myself. How can I feel burnt out if I am constantly made to feel as though what I do is not enough? I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I have always carried this baggage of not being enough or doing enough or whatever.
It's probably just me.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Mother Fuck.
I broke my pinky toe. Well, I think I did anyway. It hurts to badly.
Here is a picture of me the day before I went into the ICU with Ketoacidosis. I weighed 100 lbs. Gross
Here is a picture of me the day before I went into the ICU with Ketoacidosis. I weighed 100 lbs. Gross
So effed up.
I found some old pictures and out of all of them, only found one of Matt.
I miss him all of the time.
I'm bored.
Friday, April 12, 2013
random events between february and april.
Buddy's 10th birthday was March 21st. I haven't seen him in over 2 years and I miss him terribly, so I mailed him a care package.
Frightened Rabbit played every song that I wanted to hear and they were brilliantly awesome. I love this man.
The March of Dimes walk is the end of this month and I am excited to have Molly to walk with us. I bought her this onesie to wear. Hopefully it gets here in time because, out of context, this can be confusing and depressing to some people.
This is just a photo that I took while Molly and I were at the grocery. Sometimes we call her Mojo, so I sent this to her Dad.
Annie gave us the highchair that they had used for Gavin. He's a big boy now, so Molly has been eating her solids like a big girl. Sometimes I want to throw her against the wall - she's so cute.
Easter was fun. I got all domestic and shit and actually did a few things that I have pinned on Pinterest. I am obsessed with that damn site. Obsessed.
Molly's first Easter. This wasn't even half of the get up. She had a bow in her hair and adorable matching shoes and cardigan. I swear, one day I am just going to eat her alive.
Katy's Aunt Kathy died of cancer. I took this photo of her one week before she died. I miss her. She was like my aunt.
Aunt Kathy loved her dogs like they were her children. Her nephew was able to take one of the dogs, but no one else could take the other one. This is Lydia Gene. We took her in and love her to pieces. I can sense Lydia misses her other mommy, but her and Beatrice are just the best of friends. Lydia and Molly also have a very special relationship. When we got Lydia she needed grooming badly. This is a before and after photo.
Ray and I saved a pit bull that had gotten hit by a semi on the by-pass a few weeks ago. She was flapping around in the middle of the street and Ray pulled over immediately. I ran out into the street waving my arms so that cars would not hit us and go around us. I snatched the dog up and ran to the side of the road where I held and comforted her. She was bloody and dazed. She seemed alright and only bleeding from her mouth. We called the police and they were not any help. I ended up picking her up and putting her into our car. She was the sweetest girl. She immediately licked Molly's face with her bloody mouth. She had a collar, so I was not too worried about her being rabid or anything. We took her to the Humane Society and on our way I tried to take a photo of her, but my phone's memory was full. She ended up healing just fine and her owners picked her up. I named her Bernadine and hoped that we could keep her. I think about her everyday. I love pitties and she and I connected immediately. I miss her badly and now have ptsd when it comes to driving on the by-pass. The vision of her poor body flapping around the street haunts me nearly everyday.
These are just a few things that happen to me when I am not at work, home, school, or actively taking care of an infant.
Friday, April 5, 2013
With friends like this, who needs enemies?
April 1st and 2nd came and went this year. I only had a few small breakdowns, but otherwise felt pretty ok through the week leading to and the days of the anniversary of the worst days in my life. On the 2nd Ray and I went to Fiddlers (as it seems to be becoming our tradition meal for the loss of Dom). Afterward, we went to Franks for some afternoon drinks. We ended up having a blast. We later went to my moms for dinner - it was a really nice day out and we threw caution to the wind and just had fun. We really felt like we celebrated Dom's life and everything that it has given us, rather than mourning his loss. Because of him, both Ray and I feel like totally different people - with different perspectives and we have grown so much. Because of him, we appreciate most everything and we realize that all of the little trivial stuff just doesn't matter. Interesting, because after talking about our enlightenment, the very next day I was put to the challenge.
My friend deleted me from facebook. Not just a facebook friend, but a real life friend. I have known him since I was 18 years old. When you know someone for that long, they basically know your character and all that you are made up of. I cannot declare that he knew me entirely, because we don't live together and almost always only saw each other on bases founded on fun or loss (he was/is one of Ray's best friends, so he was most def there for our loss). Regardless, he has seen me through a lot of what has defined my character. And he deleted me. Nothing happened. No discussion or argument. Nothing. I was a bit shocked when I saw that we were no longer friends. I went to his page because he's one of my real life friends - and I was going to invite him to the few events we have planned later this month in remembrance of Dominic, and apparently we are no longer friends. Not just on fb, but in real life too, I guess.
I sort of saw this coming. I know that his wife doesn't care for me (to say the least) and that he lives with my ex-husband, I suppose I just thought he wouldn't be pulled in to the drama. The reason his wife hates me, I guess, is simply because I'm me? I don't know. She noted in her hate text that she thinks I am malicious and spiteful. I instantly wrote off her entire argument regarding my character because she, seriously and obviously does not know me in the least. The only issue that I had when she voiced her disdain for me was how it would affect my relationship with her husband. Ray assured me that he wasn't petty like that, and that he really knows who I am and that, indeed, I am not those things. Welp. Here we are. Without anything (literally) done on my part - he apparently does not like me anymore. That is a HUGE hit to the soul (not to mention the ego).
I instantly felt tears running down my cheeks when I realized he deleted me. I was so sad. Heartbroken that my buddy - or so I thought - would just be so silly. I mean, he knows me. Anyway, I was upset. It consumed me for maybe an hour. Then I went to bed.
I woke up the next morning and realized how petty the entire situation was. Even the deleting in declaration that he, too, just does not like me anymore. And I was ok. Sure my feelings are hurt that there are people that I thought were my friends (like, good friends) out there talking shit about me when I have not been around for nearly 8 months - and have not partook in any drama or gossip. But these are things that are out of my control. Apparently these people did not know me the way that I thought they did. And that is fine. I am slowly accepting that sometimes people get consumed with assumptions or accusations and make moves according to what they believe. Their perception is their reality and I cannot argue that. I refuse to save or attempt to save a friendship by begging and pleading for people to understand me or like me. I am used to a tarnished reputation because there are people out there who just love to tarnish it. Reputations are nothing. They are just things that people think about you - they are not who you are. Blag. Even though it is a big pill to swallow, I am in the process of accepting that.
Rather than feeling super sorry for myself, I pulled my big girl panties on and messaged him, just asking why he deleted me. He has yet to answer. I am not surprised. I have sat back and looked at other friendships that I have. The dynamics of them really change when you have a child. The maintenance of them kind of gets put on the back burner. And, of course, going out in the evening to bars is out of the question. Needless to say, I have about 3 girlfriends that I know understand my predicament. Because of this, I then have to evaluate who I truly trust. I mean, these people that now hate me are friends with my friends. And it has been confirmed that they do actually sit around tables at the bar and bash me; so I must evaluate how I feel about that. I have these people, who bash me in front of my "friends" - saying things like how I am malicious and spiteful and my closest "friends" sit there and listen without offering up any defenses. How cowardly to bash someone who is not there to defend themselves? And, in that case, I would want my friends to have my back. Sure, I have done things in my life out of desperation and sadness (mostly through my divorce), but that doesn't define my entire character.
Ever since Dominic and even more so since Molly, I feel like I have so much happiness and appreciation for those in my life that bring me love and support. I really don't need to bother with outside forces of negativity and drama. I tried to shed that all by not going out and not partaking in any gossip about people (because if I have learned anything from my divorce, it is to not assume anything about anyone), but it doesn't seem to be the solution. Maybe I just need to stop associating myself with people who are connected to those that continue to perpetuate the negativity in my life.
I dunno.
Like I said, I need to re-evalutate.
My friend deleted me from facebook. Not just a facebook friend, but a real life friend. I have known him since I was 18 years old. When you know someone for that long, they basically know your character and all that you are made up of. I cannot declare that he knew me entirely, because we don't live together and almost always only saw each other on bases founded on fun or loss (he was/is one of Ray's best friends, so he was most def there for our loss). Regardless, he has seen me through a lot of what has defined my character. And he deleted me. Nothing happened. No discussion or argument. Nothing. I was a bit shocked when I saw that we were no longer friends. I went to his page because he's one of my real life friends - and I was going to invite him to the few events we have planned later this month in remembrance of Dominic, and apparently we are no longer friends. Not just on fb, but in real life too, I guess.
I sort of saw this coming. I know that his wife doesn't care for me (to say the least) and that he lives with my ex-husband, I suppose I just thought he wouldn't be pulled in to the drama. The reason his wife hates me, I guess, is simply because I'm me? I don't know. She noted in her hate text that she thinks I am malicious and spiteful. I instantly wrote off her entire argument regarding my character because she, seriously and obviously does not know me in the least. The only issue that I had when she voiced her disdain for me was how it would affect my relationship with her husband. Ray assured me that he wasn't petty like that, and that he really knows who I am and that, indeed, I am not those things. Welp. Here we are. Without anything (literally) done on my part - he apparently does not like me anymore. That is a HUGE hit to the soul (not to mention the ego).
I instantly felt tears running down my cheeks when I realized he deleted me. I was so sad. Heartbroken that my buddy - or so I thought - would just be so silly. I mean, he knows me. Anyway, I was upset. It consumed me for maybe an hour. Then I went to bed.
I woke up the next morning and realized how petty the entire situation was. Even the deleting in declaration that he, too, just does not like me anymore. And I was ok. Sure my feelings are hurt that there are people that I thought were my friends (like, good friends) out there talking shit about me when I have not been around for nearly 8 months - and have not partook in any drama or gossip. But these are things that are out of my control. Apparently these people did not know me the way that I thought they did. And that is fine. I am slowly accepting that sometimes people get consumed with assumptions or accusations and make moves according to what they believe. Their perception is their reality and I cannot argue that. I refuse to save or attempt to save a friendship by begging and pleading for people to understand me or like me. I am used to a tarnished reputation because there are people out there who just love to tarnish it. Reputations are nothing. They are just things that people think about you - they are not who you are. Blag. Even though it is a big pill to swallow, I am in the process of accepting that.
Rather than feeling super sorry for myself, I pulled my big girl panties on and messaged him, just asking why he deleted me. He has yet to answer. I am not surprised. I have sat back and looked at other friendships that I have. The dynamics of them really change when you have a child. The maintenance of them kind of gets put on the back burner. And, of course, going out in the evening to bars is out of the question. Needless to say, I have about 3 girlfriends that I know understand my predicament. Because of this, I then have to evaluate who I truly trust. I mean, these people that now hate me are friends with my friends. And it has been confirmed that they do actually sit around tables at the bar and bash me; so I must evaluate how I feel about that. I have these people, who bash me in front of my "friends" - saying things like how I am malicious and spiteful and my closest "friends" sit there and listen without offering up any defenses. How cowardly to bash someone who is not there to defend themselves? And, in that case, I would want my friends to have my back. Sure, I have done things in my life out of desperation and sadness (mostly through my divorce), but that doesn't define my entire character.
Ever since Dominic and even more so since Molly, I feel like I have so much happiness and appreciation for those in my life that bring me love and support. I really don't need to bother with outside forces of negativity and drama. I tried to shed that all by not going out and not partaking in any gossip about people (because if I have learned anything from my divorce, it is to not assume anything about anyone), but it doesn't seem to be the solution. Maybe I just need to stop associating myself with people who are connected to those that continue to perpetuate the negativity in my life.
I dunno.
Like I said, I need to re-evalutate.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
It's Spring Break
Indeed it is Spring Break. There is not much 'spring' as I had hoped, but I am trying to squeeze in as many 'breaks' as I can.
I began working at Le Peep again. Though I am still hosting trivia nights at AP, Le Peep is just much more conducive to my life these days. Plus, the drama that came with the bar just was not worth it. It doesn't matter how many people I do not associate myself with or even talk to, so long as they continue drinking their lives away in some shit hole bar, they will continue to talk shit about anyone and everyone that they can. I was sick of being the scapegoat to whatever drama they felt needed to be created.
It's so bizarre, really. Sometimes a simple, casual conversation gets misconstrued and the next thing I know it has turned into some sort of drama where someone is getting their feelings hurt. It makes me super bummed out. It makes me feel as though I cannot talk to anyone, about anything. Literally, the smallest of things can get so warped in the hands of desperation.
I am not sure what they're desperate for. But there is no doubt that it is desperation for something. I want no part in any of it. I don't even want to hear about it from a distance. I don't know how much more I can drop out of the vicinity of it without cutting off all ties completely. I have considered cutting all ties but then remember that the shit talking will ensue. Drama created because 'I'm a shitty friend and fell off the face of the earth'. Meh. Whatever. It wouldn't be a big deal if people just didn't have birthday parties or obligations in which a friend must attend. Everyday the thought of remaining either in my house, my car, school, or work is more and more appealing. Only associating with family and the less than five friends that I care to associate with sounds way better than 'knowing' anyone outside of them.
Summer is quickly approaching and I have decided to take one summer class. Ray will hopefully be working for a bigger company soon and they plan to pay him big bucks. Big enough bucks where I may not have to work. I will still work, but the income that I pull in won't be relied on. I plan to have an excellent summer. The last two have been big bummers with the loss of Dom, my sickness, and then pregnancy. I want to spend as much time with Molly and Ray as possible. Molly loves to swim and we've already bought her a lifejacket for lake and campsite visits. It is so nice to finally feel healthy and happy.
Dominic's birthday is coming up and he would have been two years old. I miss him so much that sometimes I get really wrapped up in it. I imagine how he would look and how he would have been my little buddy. I picture him being such a sweet heart with Molly and it makes me really sad. A lot of my friends who had their first child when Dom was born are now pregnant with their second child. I know that Molly is my second - but in times like this, I feel as though she is my only because she is the only one here and then that makes me sad. I know I will be sad forever. I could feel that the minute we couldn't find Dom's heartbeat. I will carry this sadness with me, in my soul - so goddamn heavy every.fucking.day. I guess I just wish I didn't have to. I miss not being sad. The sadness allows for me to remember him. I hate that. I wish I could just associate happiness with his thought and not complete devastation. I just really miss him.
My life sounds like such a drag in my blogs. I swear I'm not a miserable hag.
Aside from my eternal sadness over Dom and my disappointment in revelations over those that I thought once were my friends - life is good. I have a solid foundation with a handful of friends that have never done me wrong. My relationship with my family has never been better. In fact, with my having a child now, I really appreciate my family so much more. We spend so much time together. School is going well. I have decided to continue on my education after my undergrad and I am very excited to see what happens. Ray and I have been doing great. We are an awesome team and I think we're really good parents. Molly is adorable and healthy and so much fun. She is growing so quickly and becoming more and more independent everyday and though it makes me sad, I am also very proud. All of our animals love Mo and she adores them. I have been eating much more healthier and exercising more and feel really good.
So, yea.... I'm not a total hag.
I began working at Le Peep again. Though I am still hosting trivia nights at AP, Le Peep is just much more conducive to my life these days. Plus, the drama that came with the bar just was not worth it. It doesn't matter how many people I do not associate myself with or even talk to, so long as they continue drinking their lives away in some shit hole bar, they will continue to talk shit about anyone and everyone that they can. I was sick of being the scapegoat to whatever drama they felt needed to be created.
It's so bizarre, really. Sometimes a simple, casual conversation gets misconstrued and the next thing I know it has turned into some sort of drama where someone is getting their feelings hurt. It makes me super bummed out. It makes me feel as though I cannot talk to anyone, about anything. Literally, the smallest of things can get so warped in the hands of desperation.
I am not sure what they're desperate for. But there is no doubt that it is desperation for something. I want no part in any of it. I don't even want to hear about it from a distance. I don't know how much more I can drop out of the vicinity of it without cutting off all ties completely. I have considered cutting all ties but then remember that the shit talking will ensue. Drama created because 'I'm a shitty friend and fell off the face of the earth'. Meh. Whatever. It wouldn't be a big deal if people just didn't have birthday parties or obligations in which a friend must attend. Everyday the thought of remaining either in my house, my car, school, or work is more and more appealing. Only associating with family and the less than five friends that I care to associate with sounds way better than 'knowing' anyone outside of them.
Summer is quickly approaching and I have decided to take one summer class. Ray will hopefully be working for a bigger company soon and they plan to pay him big bucks. Big enough bucks where I may not have to work. I will still work, but the income that I pull in won't be relied on. I plan to have an excellent summer. The last two have been big bummers with the loss of Dom, my sickness, and then pregnancy. I want to spend as much time with Molly and Ray as possible. Molly loves to swim and we've already bought her a lifejacket for lake and campsite visits. It is so nice to finally feel healthy and happy.
Dominic's birthday is coming up and he would have been two years old. I miss him so much that sometimes I get really wrapped up in it. I imagine how he would look and how he would have been my little buddy. I picture him being such a sweet heart with Molly and it makes me really sad. A lot of my friends who had their first child when Dom was born are now pregnant with their second child. I know that Molly is my second - but in times like this, I feel as though she is my only because she is the only one here and then that makes me sad. I know I will be sad forever. I could feel that the minute we couldn't find Dom's heartbeat. I will carry this sadness with me, in my soul - so goddamn heavy every.fucking.day. I guess I just wish I didn't have to. I miss not being sad. The sadness allows for me to remember him. I hate that. I wish I could just associate happiness with his thought and not complete devastation. I just really miss him.
My life sounds like such a drag in my blogs. I swear I'm not a miserable hag.
Aside from my eternal sadness over Dom and my disappointment in revelations over those that I thought once were my friends - life is good. I have a solid foundation with a handful of friends that have never done me wrong. My relationship with my family has never been better. In fact, with my having a child now, I really appreciate my family so much more. We spend so much time together. School is going well. I have decided to continue on my education after my undergrad and I am very excited to see what happens. Ray and I have been doing great. We are an awesome team and I think we're really good parents. Molly is adorable and healthy and so much fun. She is growing so quickly and becoming more and more independent everyday and though it makes me sad, I am also very proud. All of our animals love Mo and she adores them. I have been eating much more healthier and exercising more and feel really good.
So, yea.... I'm not a total hag.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
If You Were Me
Frightened Rabbit's new album just came out today. I swear this band is in my brain. I have never felt so much like a band can, literally, write all of the thoughts from my brain.
"If You Were Me"
Time passes
I accept the blame
And I accept that you might never care to see me again
At least we can shake off some shame
Still I quiver like a dying leaf in a violent wind
I don’t wish to be excused for this
My disguise and my excuses, they have worn so thin
May I ask, and answer honestly
Oh, what would you have done if you were me?
How could it go so wrong so quickly?
Oh, what would you do if you were me?
Don’t assume that I have found this easy
Oh, how would you feel if you were me?
Time passes
Kills everything
In its path, and then it buries us in history
Some bits, some bits seem to stick
Oh, I thought that you and I could be a timeless thing
And I have to ask, please answer honestly
What would you have done if you were me?
How could it go so wrong so quickly?
Oh, what would you do if you were me?
Don’t assume that I have found this easy
How would you feel if you were me?
I accept the blame
And I accept that you might never care to see me again
At least we can shake off some shame
Still I quiver like a dying leaf in a violent wind
I don’t wish to be excused for this
My disguise and my excuses, they have worn so thin
May I ask, and answer honestly
Oh, what would you have done if you were me?
How could it go so wrong so quickly?
Oh, what would you do if you were me?
Don’t assume that I have found this easy
Oh, how would you feel if you were me?
Time passes
Kills everything
In its path, and then it buries us in history
Some bits, some bits seem to stick
Oh, I thought that you and I could be a timeless thing
And I have to ask, please answer honestly
What would you have done if you were me?
How could it go so wrong so quickly?
Oh, what would you do if you were me?
Don’t assume that I have found this easy
How would you feel if you were me?
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