Summer skin

Summer is officially over.  Kind of, I mean, it is Labor Day.

School has started and this is my capstone semester.  I need only one class after this semester to graduate.  I purposefully am not graduating until May of 2014 because I want to spend as much time with Molly as I can before I have to face the reality of finding a career.  I have decided to wait to see if I decide to go to Grad school.  I am on the fence and would rather not make a decision until I am positive that is something that I want to do.  At the start of every semester, as I enter new classes and remember how much I love to learn, I am certain I will further my education.  At the end of every semester, I am so fucking over school that I swear I am not going to continue my education.  So there lies the conflict. I think I just want to see what is out there after I have my degree and just go from there.

This semester is going to be rough.  I am taking 5 classes and though they are interesting, they will be challenging.  I am not planning on working this semester and just immersing myself in school and my family.  I fear I won't have that option once I am working full-time.

Molly's 1st birthday was the 17th and we had a party for her at a local park.  It was overwhelming, but fun.  She is so loved and spoiled.  I feel really lucky to have all of the people in my life that I do.

I am ready for Fall weather.  The older I get, the more that I love Fall and Spring and dread Summer and Winter.  Neftali and Matt are planning to visit at the end of October and I am so very excited to see them both.  Especially with all of the Fall activities.

Now that Molly is approaching toddler-hood there are new adjustments being made.  It is difficult to not continue to do the same things you're used to.  I am still nursing, though not nearly as much as I once did.  It's hard to wean.  The advice suggests to let the child wean.  But Molly is such a fan of the breast that I fear she'll be nursing until she's 18.  I also want my body back.  I have tried to lose these last 30 pounds by dieting, exercising, cleansing, etc. and my weight won't budge.  Not one single pound.  If I begin to wean, even a little - I'll drop 5 lbs.  It's crazy.  After research, I have read that often times, rather than losing weight while nursing, a lot of women gain and maintain weight.  I am not sure why this is the case, but I think I fall into that category.  Nonetheless, she's having a difficult time giving up the boob and it is hard to not give it to her.  I mean, I'd rather just give her my boob at 3am than get up to make a bottle.  We're still co-sleeping too.  I typically will lay beside her and nurse her to sleep, both at nap-time and night time.  I am currently attempting to move her to her crib, at least for nap-time.  She is currently screaming and crying from the top of her lungs as I type this.  *sigh.... it sucks.

Christi has finally finished her Master's degree and I am really proud of her.  In all honesty, watching her go through 2 years of non-stop work really deterred myself from Grad school.  She completed it online and literally went to school for 2 years straight.  Fuck that.  I am, however, taking the free LSAT exam at ND in October and am trying to convince Christi to take it with me.  I have tried convincing her to get her PHD, but I don't think she has any desire.  I am only taking the LSAT because I am curious to see what it is like and because it is free.  I am actually pretty excited to take it.

Christi and Cyndi are going to Hawaii next week to celebrate their graduations and 5 year wedding anniversary.  They three dogs they have are going to myself, my mom, and Cyndi's parents.  We are getting Tegan.  I am pretty excited.  The girls all really get along.  Cooper, the three legged dog is going to my moms.  Rocco and Cooper met last week and did really well together.  I was surprised considering they're both boys and Rocco is a German Shepard and Cooper is a pittie.  They both were abused and both are passive, so that's probably why they get along so well.  It's probably a nice therapy for them too.  My mom has a huge backyard and the boys love playing together.  Camden is going to Cyndi's parent's house.  They have a chocolate lab that is older, so Camden and her really enjoy their "senior" time together going on slow walks with Grandpa and getting boiled carrots everyday.

Katy leaves for Portland 2 days after Christi leaves for Hawaii.  I'll have nearly 2 weeks without my two best friends.  I am excited to hear all about their trips.  Especially Katy, she'll be seeing Matt for the first time since Jan. of 2002.  Crazy.  Katy and Seans divorce was final exactly 7 years from their wedding anniversary.  Bizarre.  Their divorce has been amazingly amicable and really respectful.  I wish I would have had that experience.  They both are seeing other people who respect their divorce and marriage and have really helped make the experience much more pleasant than it could have been.  It really makes me proud of them.  If for some reason Ray and I ever split up, I hope we can have a respectful separation - especially because of Molly, but most of all because even though the relationship is over, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't love him anymore.  I have learned from my past and learned from seeing Katy and Sean.  Though I hope and really don't think Ray and I will ever really split, it's still good to think about and mentally prepare for (the respect and amicability, not the separating).

Other than Molly screaming her throat out now for the past 20 minutes, everything is good.  I am so unbelievably happy and content that sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself.

My moment of freedom

My dad surprised me today by taking Molly for the afternoon.  I dropped her off and realized that I had an entire 6 hours to myself.  No school.  No work.  No baby.  I was tickled.

I went straight to Target to shop.  Though we have no money - I couldn't help myself.  I had to get Molly something for her birthday anyway, so I found my justification.

On my way into Target there was about 45 seconds from my car to the store where I walked with an iced coffee in one hand and a cigarette between two fingers and I remembered what it was like to be a single woman with no children, and I smiled.  It felt really nice.  I love my life.  I would never trade it for anything in the world.  I love my daughter and I have found a great love for motherhood.  This is all so very true.  But it was those few moments where I felt I had absolutely no obligation, no agenda, no responsibility and I felt free.  I am not sure I would ever be able to appreciate that moment of freedom if I hadn't had children.  And in the same moment, I do not ever think I would appreciate the life of my daughter and motherhood if it weren't for the moment where I did not have Dominic.  Nonetheless, it felt really good.

I have cleaned my house and my windows are open as it is 70 degrees in July.  It is absolutely gorgeous out and this weather is definitely my favorite.

Picture page.

I went and saw Willie Nelson in concert.  This photo sucks because of the lighting, but Christi got much better photos.  It was rad to see a living legend live.  My sister and I took my Aunt because she is IN LOVE with Willie.  Aunt Net was a silly little school girl and I am glad we were able to take her for all that she has done for me by watching Molly every single Tuesday without fail since she was born.  She is the best.

Annie bought Mo cowgirl boots.  As a little girl, I was known to tot around the house in only cowgirl boots and nothing else.  Like mother like daughter. 

So, this is happening now.  It's basically one of her favorite things to do.  Needless to say, it is very difficult for me to keep dirty clothes in their hampers.  

Upon reflection, we shouldn't have allowed Molly to play with our phones.  She  now thinks that the phones are hers and takes photos of herself.  (she's not so smart to know that is what she's doing, but photos and Siri have become a daily routine with her).

My friend, Amanda, just moved here from Chicago a few years ago.  She has a little boy named Cash who is 18 months old.  It is within our weekly ritual to go over to their house so the kids can play and the moms can relax.  It is a nice way to decompress.

This is Amanda.  She is a really good friend and a constant reminder of what it is like to be a genuinely nice person and mother.  We are a lot alike and get along great.  It's a good thing we both have children, otherwise she would be my partner in crime.  We both have rotten, but super fun pasts.  We enjoy telling each other our stories.

A Mid-Summer Nights Blog.

I am exhausted.  Thank god that I graduate this year and hopefully find something within my field so that I can stop working at restaurants and give my body a break.  I have been doing this for way too long.

This summer has been crazy busy.

I went to Chicago with Liz one weekend and stayed with Mike.  We went to the Naked Raygun show at the Metro and hung out with the band afterward at the Cobra Lounge.  It was so.much.fun.  Jeff Pezzati and I talked all night long and individually everyone in the band and I, at one point, exchanged photos of our children.  It was pretty awesome.  I woke up with a wicked hangover that lasted nearly 2 days.  It was totally worth it and I have realized that it is only worth it if I am hanging out until 4 am with one of my favorite bands.  Otherwise, I'm too old for that shit.

We went to Indy for a weekend and spent time with Aunt La and Alex.  We shopped all weekend at the Goodwill Outlet and ate wonderful food.  We took Molly to the Indy Zoo and it was super neat.  Having a child is really cool because you're able to relive childhood all over again.  It is these moments with her that I really cherish.

The 4th of July was fun.  We went to Mikes as we do every year and it was really relaxing.  Molly loves to swim - so she had a blast.  Ashley brought Cora so her and Molly were able to play.  It was sweet to watch them interact with each other.

Life is good.  Molly just turned 11 months old yesterday and I cannot believe we will be celebrating her 1st b day soon.  She has grown so fast.  She is cruising all over and babbling like crazy.  I can't wait to hear her little voice.  She says 'mommy' and 'daddy' and it is the best.  She's going to be a firecracker.  She is so independent and at the same time has formed a very secure attachment to those that are close to her - especially me.  I am enjoying the bond that we share and dread the day that she screams how much she hates me.

I work very part time and have had nearly a month off of school.  I am a full time homemaker and am fancying myself to be quite the domestic goddess.  I have been cooking a ton and it feels really good.

There is nothing much else to tell besides the fact that Ray has taken a great liking to unsweetened ice tea and myself to Starbucks' iced coffee.

We're such rebels.

As she sleeps...

Molly's taking her morning nap, so this is how I choose to spend the little bit of time that I have to myself.

You're welcome.

So many things to tell...

I had a garage sale a few weeks ago.  I was really only open for all of Friday and a few hours on Saturday and made over $400.  It was far too pretty for me to be sitting outside doing nothing but talking to strangers about shit that I don't care about.  Yard sales attract interesting people who seem to not really have anyone to talk to in their day to day lives, so they often share a bit too much when they are in my presence.  I must have a sign on my head that reads, "Please tell me all about your most intimate details of your life."

Regardless, I was able to visit some of my fellow mommy friends that I never get to see because we are all far too busy doing mommy things.

Here are pictures of Shoshawnna and Molly visiting.

Cassie and the girls came by one day for a play date.  It was nice to catch up with friends that I used to only see at the bar.  Cassie is a really good mom and I cannot imagine what it would be like to raise 2 girls all by myself.  She does an amazing job and makes it look so easy.

Ray threw out into the facebook world that he was interested in skating for a men's roller derby league. They had an open skate/meet one Sunday morning.  The guys tried the 25 in 5 and did so well!  I was certainly pleased to see that not all of them were able to get it in the first try.  For a moment I knew that Ray was really impressed with all that I did when I was in derby.  That shit is hard work.

Molly and I went to the park one day.  She loves to swing.  She's all gums as she laughs and it just melts my soul.

I finally was able to finish my arm piece.  It took a total of 8 hours and 3 sittings.  The last sitting was 5 hours and I sat like a fucking champ.  Shit hurt so bad near the end, but it ended up being beautiful.  We will work on turning it into a half sleeve in the Fall.  

Here's the final product.  No photo can really do it justice.  It's lovely.

I started my Statistics in Criminology class 3 weeks ago.  I only have 3 more weeks left.  I am enjoying this class far more than I thought that I would and I have a 100% in it.  Speaking of good grades - I totally made the Dean's List again last semester.  

My mom bought a kiddie pool for Molly, so we have been over there quite a bit already this summer.  Molly's a little over 9 months old and wears 12 month clothes.  Her suit is a bit snug though it is a 12 month suit so she typically goes in the pool naked.  She loves it.  Her hair is getting lighter and lighter and her eyes are getting bluer and bluer.  The older she gets, the more curly/wavy her hair gets.  I now understand what it is like to live vicariously through your child.  ; )

Annie bought Mo an amish bonnet and she looks adorable in it.

I bought her this scaly cap from Target.  

This is her newsie cap she wears often.  She loves hats.

Christi and I went to Chicago to see a production of Shaping Sound.  Shaping Sound is a dance company owned by Travis Wall and 3 other guys.  Travis is my favorite dancer of all time and I have been wanting to see him perform since 2006.  We had 2nd row seats and I was able to see Travis sweat, breathe, and could hear his feet on the stage.  It was truly the best performance I have ever seen in any realm.  I just love him so much.  I have photos, but for some reason my phone isn't loading them all into my computer.  So, once I figure that out - I will surely post them.

Mother's Day came and it was great.  We pulled sod and tilled for 3 gardens at my mom's house.  Ray got me flowers and this awesome card.  I really was not expecting anything - so I was truly touched.  He can be so damn sweet sometimes.  My mom loved the finger painting that Mo and I did for her.

For Easter, Ray bought Molly a trailer to hitch to his recumbent bike.  She loves going for bike rides.  I got a tricycle with a huge basket in the back and I love it!  We went for a family bike ride to the zoo last week and it was a lot of fun and some really good family time together.  Here's a photo of Mo on one of her first bike rides with her dad.  She has already gotten bigger since then.  Gah.

I don't fight Molly to take naps.  I have better things to do with my time.  One day, we needed to go to the grocery so Ray and I decided to tire her out at the store since she was fighting sleep.  This is her once we got home.  Mommy 1  :  Molly 0.  I was pleased and felt this was a moment to capture.

Molly and I went camping with Christi and Katy last weekend and Molly did great!  Katy and Sean are going through a divorce right now, so it was really good to get some girl time in.  

So much change is going on.  Though some of it is sad - it is always nice to see myself and friends evolvling and changing into more b eautiful things.  Growth is good.  Always.

A few things.

I got acrylic nails two days ago.  I have cooked at work and two of them have already broke off.  Not completely broken, but enough to notice.  It is really hard to do much anything with these things.  I like to fancy myself as one that can rock the perfect nails.  The more I try to convince myself, the more I realize they are just not for me.


I was told that I was pretty the other day by a guy at work.  I was cooking so I was unbathed, sweaty, greasy, and still carrying around this massive amount of weight.  It made me feel good.  It was nice that he said that.


Summer session 1 starts in a few days and I am already dreading it.  I cannot believe I will be graduating in less than a year.  Scary.

Mother's Day is coming up and I will be crafting all Pinterest like for my mama.  I am pretty stoked on it.


Tegan and Sara have a new album and it is rad.  I haven't had a chance to get the album, so I just listen to it on youtube as I feed Molly breakfast and we sing it together.  Here's one of my favorite songs.

daily grind.

Feeling bummed out lately.  Feel frustrated, under appreciated, and just all around meh.  Not that I feel that I need any pats on the back or 'thank you's', but it would be nice every now and then to get some glimpse of appreciation.  Something.

Ugh.  Maybe I am just burnt out.  But in that same thought I second guess myself.  How can I feel burnt out if I am constantly made to feel as though what I do is not enough?  I don't know.  Maybe it's just me.  I have always carried this baggage of not being enough or doing enough or whatever.

It's probably just me.