Arthur Rose 11.9.13

Art Rose died in the early hours of November 9, 2013 in his sleep.  Three days have passed and I am still in disbelief.

I received a message from Carrie, his sister in law.  She said she had bad news and needed to talk to me and to call her immediately.  I knew before talking to her that he was gone.

My heart is sad.  But I feel like he is finally able to rest.  Finally able to be at peace.

I had never met anyone so tormented by their own thoughts, so uneasy in their own head.

He was one of the most genuinely nicest people I have ever known.  He struggled with addiction for all of the years that I had known him.  He could not find peace.

I remember the day that he overdosed in 2003.  I had made it to his house before the ambulance.  I was terrified.  I stood in his living room as they carried his limp, cold body out of the house.  I watched him as he laid on his bed in the emergency room.  He looked like he was dreaming.  I was so grateful that he survived.

I watched him sleep, what little he did, months after that.  I laid next to him, snuggled in his arms and bed.  He never felt at ease.  It was too much for me.  Whether I was too young, or just too strong to be with an addict that would not even let temporarily dying keep him from using - I could no longer be with him, day in and day out - watching him go through the torment of his own brain.

I cannot say that I am shocked that he died this way.  But it is apparent that I simply cannot wrap my brain around the fact that he is no longer on this earth.

I have not cried.  I don't know why.  I am angry with him.  I am saddened for him.  And I am so very sad that he left his daughter behind.  I cannot even imagine.

I just cannot believe this has happened.  I just can't believe it.

So many people loved him so much.  I loved him so much.  I just wish he could have loved himself half as much as we did.

Feeling the nostalgia.

Christi and Cyndi's wedding.... 

The last Plinko show...

ever. There will never be another place like Plinko.

Paris, Bill, and my ass.

Hawaii honeymoon/family vacation.

Before this house was mine.

My guy.  Always.

My two fur babies meet for the first time.

I still remember how it feels to snuggle him.

Pookie.  Luke's first love.

Katy's bachelorette party.When we thought marriage was forever...

Matt.  I miss his voice.

When Annie and Amanda were friends....

Sometimes change just sucks.

I had bad dreams, so bad I threw my pillow away.

I hate having dreams that make me feel nostalgic in a sad way.  I hate how fleeting everything in life is. And I am starting to hate memories, especially when those memories contain people who are no longer in your life.


bleh.

A song for dreams

Fall Music

One of my favorite bands to listen to in the fall.  

She'll lie and steal, and cheat, and beg you from her knees
Make you think she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair
But I still love her, I don't really care

When we were young, oh, oh, we did enough
When it got cold, ooh, ooh, we bundled up
I can't be told, ah, ah, it can't be done

It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love's indifference
So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out
And I won't leave until you come downstairs

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love [x2]
Keep your head up, keep your love

And I don't blame you dear for running like you did all these years
I would do the same, you'd best believe
And the highway signs say we're close but I don't read those things anymore
I never trusted my own eyes

When we were young oh, oh, we did enough
When it got cold, ooh, ooh we bundled up
I can't be told, ah, ah, it can't be done

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love [x2]
Keep your head up, keep your love
Head up, love
Head up, love
Head up, love
Head up, love

A Girl's Best Friend

Nearly two weeks ago I was informed that Buddy has cancer.

I am not entirely sure that it has sunk in.                            I may be in denial.

                  I feel numb.   Like I have no right to be sad.
I mourned the loss of him 2 1/2 years ago.  And now I need to prepare to mourn the loss again.

Garth says he only has a few months....


I remember when Buddy was a few years old.  Garth and I were driving down to Wakarusa with Buddy.  We pulled up next to a man in a pick up truck.  He had a dog in the front seat.  They were both really, really old.  I looked at Garth and said, "I'm so excited to grow old with Buddy - it's going to be just.like.that."  Garth looked back at me and quickly reminded me that Buddy would probably die by the time I was 35 and there was no chance in hell that we would grow old together.  I was about 23 years old at the time.  I became very sad and consistently reminded myself of that moment - well, ever since then.


I just can't believe he has cancer.  Cancer.  What the fuck.

I don't know my place in any of this.  I don't really think there is a place for me.  I was able to see him.  It was surreal.  It was as if I had seen him all along.  Not once did it feel weird being with him again.

I had missed him so much.  I still miss him.  I guess I have never stopped missing him.

So I suppose this is the new normal.

Blech.