I got the job at Advocacy Links!  I have only 2 weeks left of school and will be starting immediately. I am so excited to work and NOT be in any kind of school whatsoever for awhile.  I really needed a break.

Easter is Sunday and my dad decided to have it.  He wasn't going to as he felt pretty empty not having DJ there.  One good pep talk with Christi and he decided to have it.  Mo is old enough to finally understand what is going on, so I know she's going to have fun.

2 more weeks, kids.  2.more.weeks.

Yus.

it has been awhile.

Life without DJ is different and sad.  My parents are still actively grieving (to be expected, it's only been two months).  I went to the cemetery for the first time.  Seeing DJ's name next to a fresh mound of dirt wasn't what made me sad, it was knowing that my father has spent every single day there since we buried him.  I feel DJ around all of the time.  I wish my dad could feel that too.  He has beautiful large chimes at the top where his headstone will be.  It will be a beautiful memorial and tribute to him when it's complete.  My dad has spent most of these past two months designing it.  I think of him lying there, in that beautiful casket, six feet under ground all of the time.  It may sound morbid, but I feel more ill-at-ease that he was buried than if he would have been cremated.  I just don't like the idea of him being cold (I am privy to how bizarre that sounds).  Since he has been gone there has been this dull ache that just burrows itself beneath the surface of my family.  It is lonely.

Dominic would have been three years old on the 2nd of April.  I can't believe it was only three years ago.  It still feels like yesterday every single day.  I love to talk about him, but because I had such a short time with him I feel like I am constantly repeating myself.  I miss him.  Everyone experiences sadness in their lives, but this sadness that I feel, though very basic is still really deep.  And heavy.  And it's there every day that I wake up and fall asleep.  It hasn't ceased and it certainly hasn't lessened.  These past few months truly have sucked all emotion out of me and sometimes I feel far too indifferent for my own good.

I have been thinking about the option to have one last child.  Ray and I have discussed it, but I am just on the fence and cannot seem to make a decision.  After losing Dominic I had to make a decision.  I had to decide whether losing another child - or maybe children was something I was willing to go through in order to have one alive and in my arms.  My wanting another child outweighed my fear of losing another.  And so I find myself asking the same question.  Can I - or am I willing to lose another baby in order to get to another one?  At this point, the answer is no.  My fear of losing a child is ever so prevalent.  Now that I have experienced both - losing a baby and seeing one grow and experiencing the incredible amount of joy and love and pride and awesomeness that comes with her tiny spirit - I think I would crumble to pieces to lose another.  And I don't have the confidence that I would recover as gracefully.  I might just have to throw in the towel and be done.  As amazing as it is to hold them for the first time - I just cannot imagine losing one again too.

I am officially finishing my undergrad in less than one month.  I have decided to take at least one year off before pursuing my Masters in Social Work.  I have an interview tomorrow with Advocacy Links.  The position is for a Case Manager.  Actually, DJ's case manager will be the one interviewing me.  She had called my sister looking for referrals and though I am not graduated just yet, she wants to begin the process so that I can begin training immediately upon receiving my degree.  This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, by any means.  It is however, a really nice thing for a resume and I will gain experience which is more than any recent grad could ask for.  And the salary is nice - so I am pleased.

Replicant is going really well.  I am unbelievably proud of Ray.  His friend from high school has bought 40% of Replicant, so Ray finally has help.  I know that it was difficult for Ray to make that decision, but I truly think this step will help him achieve his main goal.  I am pretty sure in 10 years we will look back at the good old days when he was slumming it in our garage.  His progression to a really nice shop, with really good employees/partners, and constantly upgrading is press (and everything else that is needed) will do us really well.  It is exciting.

Molly is well.  She is crazy smart and ridiculously independent.  She is speaking brilliantly and I could squeeze her to bits.  She really enjoy's being outside and I plan to make our backyard a toddler dream for this summer.  If I get this new job, I will be working from home and my goal is to figure out how to manage having her at home while I work (though I have no expectations and have planned sitters until I figure that out).  We have been to the park three times in the last two days.  She wears me out.

I have changed my diet drastically and am not eating carbs, dairy, gluten, or sugar.  Sounds extreme, and maybe it is - but I lost eight pounds in two weeks and my sugars have been on point and I have been able to cut my insulin in half!  My A1C was 6, which is great and my doctor was thrilled with my blood work.  I did not change my diet to lose weight, but finally finding something that helps makes me feel better.  Though I have ate like shit the past two days, I actually look forward to being super diligent again.  I only want to lose 10 more pounds and I would be satisfied - and I'd still be 20 pounds over my 'normal' weight.

I am trying to cram everything in since I haven't blogged in awhile.  I think I have covered most of the important stuff.  I am tired.  Everyone is in bed and I have to be up early tomorrow.  So, goodnight.

Dominick Joseph

I have so much to say but not many words or much heart to say them.  DJ died on Saturday the 1st of February.  It has been 10 days and my life still seems so empty.  I still feel so cold.  The day was too sad for me to recall on this.  It was a day of panic and devastation.  My heart is hollow, I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

I stare at his obituary as if this hasn't really happened.  I look at photos of him or of him and I and I still feel like he is here but yet feel so empty because he isn't here.  The grief is so different from any other grief.  Is it all the same?  Am I constantly and continuously grieving every loss along with this one?  I don't know.  My life just feels so numb.

Of course DJ was medically fragile.  It is all that I have ever known.  But once you are told over and over and over that your brother won't live past age 3 or 7 or 10 and he consistently proves everyone wrong, you begin to live with them as if every 'normal', healthy person in your life.  Did my family and I take for granted his life by living it alongside him as though he would or could outlive us?  I don't know.  At the same time, we have all prepared for this time.  I mean, he was constantly reminding us that he could go every time with every emergency visit to the hospital and stay in Intensive Care Unit.  I could tear this all apart and try to (over) analyze it - as I do everything.  I could think of all of the things that I would do differently - as I always do.  But I won't.  He was my older brother and disability or not, I know our relationship would have been the same regardless.  I cannot have any regrets ever about him.  He was my brother and I loved (love) him immensely.

As he laid there, lifeless I could do nothing but snuggle him and tell him profusely how much I love him.  I couldn't say it enough times.  And I don't think it matters how much you tell someone that you love them.  When they lye there lifeless the love pours out of you and you can only hope that half of it absorbs into the air, their spirit, their body.  I wept over him for what  feels like hours.

I don't know how many people have to die to make me feel as though I no longer exist.  With every person that I love infinitely dies, I feel as thought bits of me goes with them.  Am I even whole anymore?

DJ was the glue to my family.  That is certain.  My heart is so heavy and with every deep, grieving sigh that I breathe I remember how it felt approaching his body.

I just can't believe he is gone.  My family is broken.  I cannot even begin to tackle comforting my parents.  I don't even know how to do it.  I know what it is like to lose a child and there is nothing that can be done.  So I just sit with them.  I sit and I try to make them feel better with moments of laughter and hugs.  I just feel so helpless.

sleepy time

I am officially the owner of a minivan.  Don't laugh.

I was able to squeeze 10 good years out of the Aveo.  She was no longer 'safe' to drive a toddler around in.

The search for a vehicle was stressful and deciding whether or not to take out a loan for a newer vehicle was tough.  I opted to pay in full.  The last thing I want are car payments.

I must say, I dig my minivan.  It's pretty rad.  It's much bigger than the Aveo - I am actually pretty positive the Aveo would fit inside this van.  It's fun.  It gets me to and fro, so I suppose it's serving it's purpose.


I am interning this semester at the YWCA.  I am working the crisis desk and begin next week.  I am pretty excited and nervous at the same time.  I am growing anxious thinking of finding employment after graduation.  I am just not sure if I should continue my education right away or not.

I have been looking into getting Molly into gymnastics at Gymnastics Michiana.  I tumbled there as a child up until high school.  They have a toddler program that runs 8 weeks at a time and I think I'm going to enroll her this summer.

I am tired, and it's late.  I always blog when it's late and I have to be up early.  Such a waste of time and thought.

G' night.

It's a new year, I'm glad to be here...

This song is the greatest.  I typically listen to it every New Year.  This is the only good thing that ever came out of my friendship with Levi.  Word up.

Ray bought me an ipad mini and I have been obsessed with it, so this is the first time I have typed on an actual keyboard in awhile.  It feels funny.  My left shift key also decided to stop working again, so that's annoying.

It's 2014!  Fucking crazy!  School starts next week, I thought it was suppose to start tomorrow and was pleasantly surprised when my vacation was extended by one week.  Whaddddupppp.

Christmas was exhausting.  Molly had a blast opening ALL of the presents - even the ones that I had wrapped under our tree that were not for her.  Regardless, she has now mastered opening presents.  My girl.

As I type this, we are experiencing a 'blizzard'.  Blizzard?  I dunno.  It's fraking cold and snowy and shit is suppose to be gnarly tomorrow.  I have spent nearly 95% of my vacation in my house and am feeling a little stir crazy, if that is not apparent through my text.

Ray fucking spoiled me this year and gave me one million gifts.  I truly was not expecting half of what he got me since we have a child now.  He had Dana's dad make me a ring, bought me an ipad mini, purchased a ton of clothes from alternative apparel, got me a vaporizer, a new super cozy blanket, and a ton of candles, and some kitchen stuff.  What the hell.  Best gifts ever.

We spent NYE home and I kicked out the Breaking Bad series.  Pretty good shit.  I throughly enjoyed staying in this year.  Going out always sounds good in theory, but sucks ass once I am actually out.  I realize more and more just how introverted I have become.  It's quite opposite from who I used to be.

I'm blogging because I'm stir crazy and not because I have any sort of decent ability to actually convey what I have done or how I feel.  So I guess I'll stop now.

Good day.

2013 in review

Ray and Mo rode these bikes.

While I rode this bike.

We had a membership to the zoo.  So we went... a lot.

Ray moved his shop out and mo cannot jump from boxes anymore.

......or get ink all over her face.

She wasted a $10 bag of Stevia.

We weaned from nursing and had many naptimes like this:

My mom got Molly a piano and she LOVES it.

 I got a pair of vintage glasses.

 We found Lydia a better home with Jerry.They are bff's

 I dyed my hair blonde.

We dog sat Tegan a lot.

I was unable to bathe often. And frequently looked like this.

We lost Buddy.

And my favorite chair broke.

I partied hard with Andrew WK

And got a lot of tattoo work done.

Molly got a bigger diaper bag.

And dressed as a lion for Halloween.

I became better friends with this girl.

And these guys both came for a visit.

I thought this meme was the funniest ever.

 We dressed as Wizard of Oz characters for Halloween

 I wore this hat A LOT.

 And studied A TON.

 Had some of the best talks with this lady.

 And went to Chicago a few times to get my hair done.

I found out these are gluten free and rejoiced.

And then I dyed my hair purple.

I broke into Plinko.

 I remembered Garth's 'diva water'

I chased this naked butt all over the house.

 

And was able to witness her grow into quite the ham.

This really resonated with me.

“Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo.
I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now.I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again.”

Author Unknown