Memory Lane

Today as I was driving out of the thick of Elkhart,  entrenched in the directions of my GPS,  I drove upon a town that I once called home.  I was able to put my phone down and enjoy the drive through memory lane.  As I was driving, this song came through my speakers.  With the windows down and the music booming, I fell extremely nostalgic and partly sad.

Part of me wanted to stop at the houses to say hello - to catch up.  Parts of my heart longed for the familiarity of their faces and voices.  Flashes of years spent driving down these roads, surrounded by the beauty of the country side weighed heavy.  Remembering the moments of genuine happiness and content made me sad that that part of my life seems so very long ago.

I have changed so much since those long drives to the countryside to see those faces that once were my family.  I wanted to run into their arms and tell them of my stories and tragedies and how much I have grown and changed.  But I remember that none of that matters.  I caused far too much hurt and devastation to ever be able to recover any of those relationships with grace.

My eyes did not weep, my heart did.  Sometimes I find myself stuck in daydreams of apologies and forgiveness.  Often times, I forget that it is simply something that will never happen.  That I will never be able to experience forgiveness.  The daydreams are really nice, however.

I continued down the country roads, the sky so blue with enormous white clouds and felt the remorse, hard and heavy.  I made a promise to never treat any one person or family with such carelessness.  I have learned my mistake.

Nothing will bring a person out of knee - deep nostalgia like pulling into the driveway of the house that your child is playing in.  As I pulled in, I remembered my life now.  How beautiful it is, how amazing it is.  How I am present for every moment that I am with this incredible person that I have created.  For  in that one moment of paralyzing, profound nostalgia, I was quickly reminded that everything is fleeting. Nothing lasts forever.  As my child ran into my arms, so happy to see me, I released the sadness.  I released the guilt and pain.  I had allowed myself to be reminded of the wonderful times and the truth that I have destroyed it.  But like everything else - I had to let it go.  I must live in the present with my future.  My bright eyed, curly haired, immensely happy little future.

Because all of that sadness is what brought me to her.

I have lost 10 lbs and feel like I have completely undone all of it over this holiday weekend.  I really didn't even eat badly, I just ate carbs - so I feel like a huge piece of shit.

And I got super sun burnt today because I'm a dummy.

Easter was awesome.  Mo was super spoiled and loved hunting for eggs.  Though my dad appeared to be very sad at some points through the day, I think he was happy he decided to have it.  It was the most beautiful day, literally and metaphorically.

I am feeling the impending doom of the last few weeks of school.  I just want it to be over without doing any of the work.  I don't think that's too much to ask.

Guh.

I got the job at Advocacy Links!  I have only 2 weeks left of school and will be starting immediately. I am so excited to work and NOT be in any kind of school whatsoever for awhile.  I really needed a break.

Easter is Sunday and my dad decided to have it.  He wasn't going to as he felt pretty empty not having DJ there.  One good pep talk with Christi and he decided to have it.  Mo is old enough to finally understand what is going on, so I know she's going to have fun.

2 more weeks, kids.  2.more.weeks.

Yus.

it has been awhile.

Life without DJ is different and sad.  My parents are still actively grieving (to be expected, it's only been two months).  I went to the cemetery for the first time.  Seeing DJ's name next to a fresh mound of dirt wasn't what made me sad, it was knowing that my father has spent every single day there since we buried him.  I feel DJ around all of the time.  I wish my dad could feel that too.  He has beautiful large chimes at the top where his headstone will be.  It will be a beautiful memorial and tribute to him when it's complete.  My dad has spent most of these past two months designing it.  I think of him lying there, in that beautiful casket, six feet under ground all of the time.  It may sound morbid, but I feel more ill-at-ease that he was buried than if he would have been cremated.  I just don't like the idea of him being cold (I am privy to how bizarre that sounds).  Since he has been gone there has been this dull ache that just burrows itself beneath the surface of my family.  It is lonely.

Dominic would have been three years old on the 2nd of April.  I can't believe it was only three years ago.  It still feels like yesterday every single day.  I love to talk about him, but because I had such a short time with him I feel like I am constantly repeating myself.  I miss him.  Everyone experiences sadness in their lives, but this sadness that I feel, though very basic is still really deep.  And heavy.  And it's there every day that I wake up and fall asleep.  It hasn't ceased and it certainly hasn't lessened.  These past few months truly have sucked all emotion out of me and sometimes I feel far too indifferent for my own good.

I have been thinking about the option to have one last child.  Ray and I have discussed it, but I am just on the fence and cannot seem to make a decision.  After losing Dominic I had to make a decision.  I had to decide whether losing another child - or maybe children was something I was willing to go through in order to have one alive and in my arms.  My wanting another child outweighed my fear of losing another.  And so I find myself asking the same question.  Can I - or am I willing to lose another baby in order to get to another one?  At this point, the answer is no.  My fear of losing a child is ever so prevalent.  Now that I have experienced both - losing a baby and seeing one grow and experiencing the incredible amount of joy and love and pride and awesomeness that comes with her tiny spirit - I think I would crumble to pieces to lose another.  And I don't have the confidence that I would recover as gracefully.  I might just have to throw in the towel and be done.  As amazing as it is to hold them for the first time - I just cannot imagine losing one again too.

I am officially finishing my undergrad in less than one month.  I have decided to take at least one year off before pursuing my Masters in Social Work.  I have an interview tomorrow with Advocacy Links.  The position is for a Case Manager.  Actually, DJ's case manager will be the one interviewing me.  She had called my sister looking for referrals and though I am not graduated just yet, she wants to begin the process so that I can begin training immediately upon receiving my degree.  This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, by any means.  It is however, a really nice thing for a resume and I will gain experience which is more than any recent grad could ask for.  And the salary is nice - so I am pleased.

Replicant is going really well.  I am unbelievably proud of Ray.  His friend from high school has bought 40% of Replicant, so Ray finally has help.  I know that it was difficult for Ray to make that decision, but I truly think this step will help him achieve his main goal.  I am pretty sure in 10 years we will look back at the good old days when he was slumming it in our garage.  His progression to a really nice shop, with really good employees/partners, and constantly upgrading is press (and everything else that is needed) will do us really well.  It is exciting.

Molly is well.  She is crazy smart and ridiculously independent.  She is speaking brilliantly and I could squeeze her to bits.  She really enjoy's being outside and I plan to make our backyard a toddler dream for this summer.  If I get this new job, I will be working from home and my goal is to figure out how to manage having her at home while I work (though I have no expectations and have planned sitters until I figure that out).  We have been to the park three times in the last two days.  She wears me out.

I have changed my diet drastically and am not eating carbs, dairy, gluten, or sugar.  Sounds extreme, and maybe it is - but I lost eight pounds in two weeks and my sugars have been on point and I have been able to cut my insulin in half!  My A1C was 6, which is great and my doctor was thrilled with my blood work.  I did not change my diet to lose weight, but finally finding something that helps makes me feel better.  Though I have ate like shit the past two days, I actually look forward to being super diligent again.  I only want to lose 10 more pounds and I would be satisfied - and I'd still be 20 pounds over my 'normal' weight.

I am trying to cram everything in since I haven't blogged in awhile.  I think I have covered most of the important stuff.  I am tired.  Everyone is in bed and I have to be up early tomorrow.  So, goodnight.

Dominick Joseph

I have so much to say but not many words or much heart to say them.  DJ died on Saturday the 1st of February.  It has been 10 days and my life still seems so empty.  I still feel so cold.  The day was too sad for me to recall on this.  It was a day of panic and devastation.  My heart is hollow, I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

I stare at his obituary as if this hasn't really happened.  I look at photos of him or of him and I and I still feel like he is here but yet feel so empty because he isn't here.  The grief is so different from any other grief.  Is it all the same?  Am I constantly and continuously grieving every loss along with this one?  I don't know.  My life just feels so numb.

Of course DJ was medically fragile.  It is all that I have ever known.  But once you are told over and over and over that your brother won't live past age 3 or 7 or 10 and he consistently proves everyone wrong, you begin to live with them as if every 'normal', healthy person in your life.  Did my family and I take for granted his life by living it alongside him as though he would or could outlive us?  I don't know.  At the same time, we have all prepared for this time.  I mean, he was constantly reminding us that he could go every time with every emergency visit to the hospital and stay in Intensive Care Unit.  I could tear this all apart and try to (over) analyze it - as I do everything.  I could think of all of the things that I would do differently - as I always do.  But I won't.  He was my older brother and disability or not, I know our relationship would have been the same regardless.  I cannot have any regrets ever about him.  He was my brother and I loved (love) him immensely.

As he laid there, lifeless I could do nothing but snuggle him and tell him profusely how much I love him.  I couldn't say it enough times.  And I don't think it matters how much you tell someone that you love them.  When they lye there lifeless the love pours out of you and you can only hope that half of it absorbs into the air, their spirit, their body.  I wept over him for what  feels like hours.

I don't know how many people have to die to make me feel as though I no longer exist.  With every person that I love infinitely dies, I feel as thought bits of me goes with them.  Am I even whole anymore?

DJ was the glue to my family.  That is certain.  My heart is so heavy and with every deep, grieving sigh that I breathe I remember how it felt approaching his body.

I just can't believe he is gone.  My family is broken.  I cannot even begin to tackle comforting my parents.  I don't even know how to do it.  I know what it is like to lose a child and there is nothing that can be done.  So I just sit with them.  I sit and I try to make them feel better with moments of laughter and hugs.  I just feel so helpless.

sleepy time

I am officially the owner of a minivan.  Don't laugh.

I was able to squeeze 10 good years out of the Aveo.  She was no longer 'safe' to drive a toddler around in.

The search for a vehicle was stressful and deciding whether or not to take out a loan for a newer vehicle was tough.  I opted to pay in full.  The last thing I want are car payments.

I must say, I dig my minivan.  It's pretty rad.  It's much bigger than the Aveo - I am actually pretty positive the Aveo would fit inside this van.  It's fun.  It gets me to and fro, so I suppose it's serving it's purpose.


I am interning this semester at the YWCA.  I am working the crisis desk and begin next week.  I am pretty excited and nervous at the same time.  I am growing anxious thinking of finding employment after graduation.  I am just not sure if I should continue my education right away or not.

I have been looking into getting Molly into gymnastics at Gymnastics Michiana.  I tumbled there as a child up until high school.  They have a toddler program that runs 8 weeks at a time and I think I'm going to enroll her this summer.

I am tired, and it's late.  I always blog when it's late and I have to be up early.  Such a waste of time and thought.

G' night.

It's a new year, I'm glad to be here...

This song is the greatest.  I typically listen to it every New Year.  This is the only good thing that ever came out of my friendship with Levi.  Word up.

Ray bought me an ipad mini and I have been obsessed with it, so this is the first time I have typed on an actual keyboard in awhile.  It feels funny.  My left shift key also decided to stop working again, so that's annoying.

It's 2014!  Fucking crazy!  School starts next week, I thought it was suppose to start tomorrow and was pleasantly surprised when my vacation was extended by one week.  Whaddddupppp.

Christmas was exhausting.  Molly had a blast opening ALL of the presents - even the ones that I had wrapped under our tree that were not for her.  Regardless, she has now mastered opening presents.  My girl.

As I type this, we are experiencing a 'blizzard'.  Blizzard?  I dunno.  It's fraking cold and snowy and shit is suppose to be gnarly tomorrow.  I have spent nearly 95% of my vacation in my house and am feeling a little stir crazy, if that is not apparent through my text.

Ray fucking spoiled me this year and gave me one million gifts.  I truly was not expecting half of what he got me since we have a child now.  He had Dana's dad make me a ring, bought me an ipad mini, purchased a ton of clothes from alternative apparel, got me a vaporizer, a new super cozy blanket, and a ton of candles, and some kitchen stuff.  What the hell.  Best gifts ever.

We spent NYE home and I kicked out the Breaking Bad series.  Pretty good shit.  I throughly enjoyed staying in this year.  Going out always sounds good in theory, but sucks ass once I am actually out.  I realize more and more just how introverted I have become.  It's quite opposite from who I used to be.

I'm blogging because I'm stir crazy and not because I have any sort of decent ability to actually convey what I have done or how I feel.  So I guess I'll stop now.

Good day.