I make lists.

• I babysat Charlie today and had such a good time.  He is such a good baby.
• I can't stop Christmas shopping.  I am spending money that I need to pay on bills, but I want to buy Ray every.thing.  Because he deserves it.  But he also deserves to have bills paid.  
• I saw Garth's new project this weekend.  It was nice to see that he has finally collaborated with a female, it was weird to find that they covered one of our songs.  A song that was going to be our wedding song.  Disturbing.
• I shopped until I dropped on Black Friday.  I do this because I am so poor that I need the sales.  It's a vicious cycle....
• Our first gluten free Thanksgiving was a success!  
• I have put off all of my homework over the long weekend and have to spend tonight catching up.
• I have made a ton of money every single shift I have worked in the last two weeks.  
• I need to put up our Christmas tree.  
• There is stuff going on every weekend until Christmas....and I kind of want a break from it all.
• I secretly cannot wait for it to snow.  

I am a fan of Adele's.

Interesting.  This video was filmed at the exact place we stopped when we toured Paris, France.  I have photos of the Eiffel Tower from this perspective.  I love this song.

Today we give thanks.

I have so much to be grateful for, it is overwhelming.  I have so much support from everyone in my life - it is simply astounding.  From my parents to my regular customers, the scope of my support is just ridiculous.  If I were to list out every single person I would be writing forever.  This year has been such an obstacle, such a struggle.  In the end, however, I still find myself eternally grateful for my life and all of those that I love.  I am still so grateful to have experienced the miracle of child birth and my first born.  Without all of these horrible outcomes, I am not sure I would be as thankful as I am. 

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.  I hope I have given you half as much as you all have given me.

Blogging on the go

I finally got my iphone4. I can start blogging from here. Hells yea.

Ode to Ray

Never thinkWhat's in your heartWhat's in our homeSo I won't
You'll learn to hate meBut still call me babyOh LoveSo call me by my name
And save your soulsave your soulBefore you're too far goneBefore nothing can be done
I'll try to decide whenShe'll lie in the endI ain't got no fight in meIn this whole damn worldTelling you to hold offShe said hold onIt's the one thing that I've known
Once I put my coat onAnd how I know it's all wrongShe's standing outside holding meSaying oh pleaseI'm in loveI'm in love
Girl save your soulSave your soulBefore you're too far goneAnd before nothing can be done
'Cause without meYou got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allWithout me you got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allSo hold onHold on

The day that I went into labor I was 160 pounds.  After I gave birth I was down to 140 pounds.  I remember being so insecure because I still had a belly that looked pregnant.  I did not want to leave the house, and finding clothes to wear that didn't make me look pregnant was difficult.  I think I struggled more with the self image because I was not frolicking around with a beautiful newborn and I was terrified that, 1. Someone would ask me if I were pregnant (or when I was due) or 2.  If I had just had a baby (and where was said baby).  I was only ten pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight, but it still sucked to look pregnant.  Not to mention my engorged breasts that were lactating constantly (that just basically added insult to injury).  Anyway - this is where my issues with my body began.

When I was sick I was dropping weight at a startling rate.  It was insane.  I had lost 12 pounds one week and 15 the next.  I weighed 118 pounds when I was diagnosed with Celiac.  I looked so gross - so sick.  I am sure 118 would have looked better if I was not so malnourished.  Nonetheless, I was able to put on eight pounds in a few months, and I was starting to look healthy.  In the month of September when I was feeling exhausted, I began to loose a lot more weight.  I was 108 pounds when I was admitted into the hospital.  I remember being so self conscious about my body.  My boobs had become so small that I wanted to leave my shirt on even when I was having sex.  I wore a size 3 in jeans and even that was too big.  I would get bruises on my spine if I sat on a hard chair for too long.  I was a mess.

I have been diagnosed and "healthy" for nearly two months now.  I am now at 135 pounds.  This is a healthy weight for me.  I am, however, continuing to pack on the pounds pretty steadily.  My doctors are saying this is from my insulin and hypo thyroid.  I have never been more self conscious than I am now.  I cannot seem to find a comfortable weight and it seems impossible that I would be able to maintain it if I could. 

I am not happy thin and I am not happy thick.  This is what society and media has done to women.  What the fuck.