The day that I went into labor I was 160 pounds.  After I gave birth I was down to 140 pounds.  I remember being so insecure because I still had a belly that looked pregnant.  I did not want to leave the house, and finding clothes to wear that didn't make me look pregnant was difficult.  I think I struggled more with the self image because I was not frolicking around with a beautiful newborn and I was terrified that, 1. Someone would ask me if I were pregnant (or when I was due) or 2.  If I had just had a baby (and where was said baby).  I was only ten pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight, but it still sucked to look pregnant.  Not to mention my engorged breasts that were lactating constantly (that just basically added insult to injury).  Anyway - this is where my issues with my body began.

When I was sick I was dropping weight at a startling rate.  It was insane.  I had lost 12 pounds one week and 15 the next.  I weighed 118 pounds when I was diagnosed with Celiac.  I looked so gross - so sick.  I am sure 118 would have looked better if I was not so malnourished.  Nonetheless, I was able to put on eight pounds in a few months, and I was starting to look healthy.  In the month of September when I was feeling exhausted, I began to loose a lot more weight.  I was 108 pounds when I was admitted into the hospital.  I remember being so self conscious about my body.  My boobs had become so small that I wanted to leave my shirt on even when I was having sex.  I wore a size 3 in jeans and even that was too big.  I would get bruises on my spine if I sat on a hard chair for too long.  I was a mess.

I have been diagnosed and "healthy" for nearly two months now.  I am now at 135 pounds.  This is a healthy weight for me.  I am, however, continuing to pack on the pounds pretty steadily.  My doctors are saying this is from my insulin and hypo thyroid.  I have never been more self conscious than I am now.  I cannot seem to find a comfortable weight and it seems impossible that I would be able to maintain it if I could. 

I am not happy thin and I am not happy thick.  This is what society and media has done to women.  What the fuck.