Today we give thanks.

I have so much to be grateful for, it is overwhelming.  I have so much support from everyone in my life - it is simply astounding.  From my parents to my regular customers, the scope of my support is just ridiculous.  If I were to list out every single person I would be writing forever.  This year has been such an obstacle, such a struggle.  In the end, however, I still find myself eternally grateful for my life and all of those that I love.  I am still so grateful to have experienced the miracle of child birth and my first born.  Without all of these horrible outcomes, I am not sure I would be as thankful as I am. 

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.  I hope I have given you half as much as you all have given me.

Blogging on the go

I finally got my iphone4. I can start blogging from here. Hells yea.

Ode to Ray

Never thinkWhat's in your heartWhat's in our homeSo I won't
You'll learn to hate meBut still call me babyOh LoveSo call me by my name
And save your soulsave your soulBefore you're too far goneBefore nothing can be done
I'll try to decide whenShe'll lie in the endI ain't got no fight in meIn this whole damn worldTelling you to hold offShe said hold onIt's the one thing that I've known
Once I put my coat onAnd how I know it's all wrongShe's standing outside holding meSaying oh pleaseI'm in loveI'm in love
Girl save your soulSave your soulBefore you're too far goneAnd before nothing can be done
'Cause without meYou got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allWithout me you got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allSo hold onWithout me you got it allSo hold onHold on

The day that I went into labor I was 160 pounds.  After I gave birth I was down to 140 pounds.  I remember being so insecure because I still had a belly that looked pregnant.  I did not want to leave the house, and finding clothes to wear that didn't make me look pregnant was difficult.  I think I struggled more with the self image because I was not frolicking around with a beautiful newborn and I was terrified that, 1. Someone would ask me if I were pregnant (or when I was due) or 2.  If I had just had a baby (and where was said baby).  I was only ten pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight, but it still sucked to look pregnant.  Not to mention my engorged breasts that were lactating constantly (that just basically added insult to injury).  Anyway - this is where my issues with my body began.

When I was sick I was dropping weight at a startling rate.  It was insane.  I had lost 12 pounds one week and 15 the next.  I weighed 118 pounds when I was diagnosed with Celiac.  I looked so gross - so sick.  I am sure 118 would have looked better if I was not so malnourished.  Nonetheless, I was able to put on eight pounds in a few months, and I was starting to look healthy.  In the month of September when I was feeling exhausted, I began to loose a lot more weight.  I was 108 pounds when I was admitted into the hospital.  I remember being so self conscious about my body.  My boobs had become so small that I wanted to leave my shirt on even when I was having sex.  I wore a size 3 in jeans and even that was too big.  I would get bruises on my spine if I sat on a hard chair for too long.  I was a mess.

I have been diagnosed and "healthy" for nearly two months now.  I am now at 135 pounds.  This is a healthy weight for me.  I am, however, continuing to pack on the pounds pretty steadily.  My doctors are saying this is from my insulin and hypo thyroid.  I have never been more self conscious than I am now.  I cannot seem to find a comfortable weight and it seems impossible that I would be able to maintain it if I could. 

I am not happy thin and I am not happy thick.  This is what society and media has done to women.  What the fuck.

• Today is Beatrice and Dexter's birthday.  They are 3 years old. 
• I cannot believe it has been 3 years since I lived at Hillcrest (well, 2.5 - but whatever)
• I am super hungry right now, but cannot eat because of my stupid diabetes.
• I should have ate more than stupid fries for dinner.  (It was my only gluten free option at the time)
• I wish my hair would grow a little faster.  I have a hairstyle I want to try out.
• I get super jealous sometimes when I look at pregnant women.  I want to kick them in the crotch and tell them that their story might turn out super shitty too.
• I am working on the above in therapy.
• I cried today in Philosophy when we were discussing the existence of God and why God allows evil.  The example the Prof. made us discuss was why God allows for babies to die.  I didn't partake in the discussion.  I just sat there and let tears roll down my face.
• I am super excited for Christmas break and I have no idea why.
• I am not looking forward to my birthday and I do not know why.
• I 'liked' a band on facebook today.
• When I realized the band I 'liked' was my ex husbands, I unliked it.
• I want a cigarette super bad right now.

Grumbles.

Dance will always be my first choice.

When I was 18, if I had known this could have been an option for a career for me - I would have never given up dance.  I want to be a B Girl sooo bad.  Sadly, I am more like the girl in the yellow skirt.  I miss performing so much when I watch performances like this.  This is, by far, my favorite performance of anything - ever.  You should watch it a few times to catch all of the amaze-ness.