It's Spring Break

Indeed it is  Spring Break.  There is not much 'spring' as I had hoped, but I am trying to squeeze in as many 'breaks' as I can.

I began working at Le Peep again.  Though I am still hosting trivia nights at AP, Le Peep is just much more conducive to my life these days.  Plus, the drama that came with the bar just was not worth it.  It doesn't matter how many people I do not associate myself with or even talk to, so long as they continue drinking their lives away in some shit hole bar, they will continue to talk shit about anyone and everyone that they can.  I was sick of being the scapegoat to whatever drama they felt needed to be created.

It's so bizarre, really.  Sometimes a simple, casual conversation gets  misconstrued and the next thing I know it has turned into some sort of drama where someone is getting their feelings hurt.  It makes me super bummed out.  It makes me feel as though I cannot talk to anyone, about anything.  Literally, the smallest of things can get so warped in the hands of desperation.

I am not sure what they're desperate for.  But there is no doubt that it is desperation for something.  I want no part in any of it.  I don't even want to hear about it from a distance.  I don't know how much more I can drop out of the vicinity of it without cutting off all ties completely.  I have considered cutting all ties but then remember that the shit talking will ensue. Drama created because 'I'm a shitty friend and fell off the face of the earth'.  Meh.  Whatever.  It wouldn't be a big deal if people just didn't have birthday parties or obligations in which a friend must attend.  Everyday the thought of remaining either in my house, my car, school, or work is more and more appealing.  Only associating with family and the less than five friends that I care to associate with sounds way better than 'knowing' anyone outside of them.

Summer is quickly approaching and I have decided to take one summer class.  Ray will hopefully be working for a bigger company soon and they plan to pay him big bucks.  Big enough bucks where I may not have to work.  I will still work, but the income that I pull in won't be relied on.  I plan to have an excellent summer.  The last two have been big bummers with the loss of Dom, my sickness, and then pregnancy.  I want to spend as much time with Molly and Ray as possible.  Molly loves to swim and we've already bought her a lifejacket for lake and campsite visits.  It is so nice to finally feel healthy and happy.

Dominic's birthday is coming up and he would have been two years old.  I miss him so much that sometimes I get really wrapped up in it.  I imagine how he would look and how he would have been my little buddy.  I picture him being such a sweet heart with Molly and it makes me really sad.  A lot of my friends who had their first child when Dom was born are now pregnant with their second child.  I know that Molly is my second - but in times like this, I feel as though she is my only because she is the only one here and then that makes me sad.  I know I will be sad forever.  I could feel that the minute we couldn't find Dom's heartbeat.  I will carry this sadness with me, in my soul - so goddamn heavy every.fucking.day.  I guess I just wish I didn't have to.  I miss not being sad.  The sadness allows for me to remember him.  I hate that.  I wish I could just associate happiness with his thought and not complete devastation.  I just really miss him.

My life sounds like such a drag in my blogs.  I swear I'm not a miserable hag.

Aside from my eternal sadness over Dom and my disappointment in revelations over those that I thought once were my friends - life is good.  I have a solid foundation with a handful of friends that have never done me wrong.  My relationship with my family has never been better.  In fact, with my having a child now, I really appreciate my family so much more.  We spend so much time together.  School is going well.  I have decided to continue on my education after my undergrad and I am very excited to see what happens.  Ray and I have been doing great.  We are an awesome team and I think we're really good parents.  Molly is adorable and healthy and so much fun.  She is growing so quickly and becoming more and more independent everyday and though it makes me sad, I am also very proud.  All of our animals love Mo and she adores them.  I have been eating much more healthier and exercising more and feel really good.

So, yea....  I'm not a total hag.

6 months down

She needs to quit growing so fast.

I mean, she's basically the cutest.

If You Were Me

                                                               
Frightened Rabbit's new album just came out today.  I swear this band is in my brain.  I have never felt so much like a band can, literally, write all of the thoughts from my brain.


                                                                 "If You Were Me"

Time passes 
I accept the blame
And I accept that you might never care to see me again
At least we can shake off some shame
Still I quiver like a dying leaf in a violent wind
I don’t wish to be excused for this
My disguise and my excuses, they have worn so thin
May I ask, and answer honestly
Oh, what would you have done if you were me?

How could it go so wrong so quickly?
Oh, what would you do if you were me?
Don’t assume that I have found this easy
Oh, how would you feel if you were me?

Time passes 
Kills everything
In its path, and then it buries us in history
Some bits, some bits seem to stick
Oh, I thought that you and I could be a timeless thing
And I have to ask, please answer honestly
What would you have done if you were me?

How could it go so wrong so quickly?
Oh, what would you do if you were me?
Don’t assume that I have found this easy
How would you feel if you were me?

My attempt to catch up...

After 5 months of frantically living day to day, I have felt as though I am finally lifting my head from being buried in the sand to see the world around me.  Having a baby is hard.

I finished off last semester with 2 B's and an A.  Not the best for me, but considering I had a baby 2 weeks before classes started - I am pleased.  I am currently into the Spring semester and taking on a full load of classes.  I am pleased to say that I absolutely love all of my classes and won't be nearly as bored as I was last semester.  I, literally, did not study one lick for my finals last semester - I had never done that before; I was just so over it.  I feel motivated and pumped to kick ass this semester.

I haven't been working much lately.  I honestly have just been feeling 'meh' about work.  I don't know why.  I've played around with the idea of going back to Le Peep, but I can't seem to make up my mind. Waking up at 5am just isn't really appealing.  Having a baby is work - all of the time, so the thought of going to work and busting my ass somewhere else just sucks.  My current job is so laid back, it doesn't really feel like work; it just feels like a place to hang out and get a break from being a mom.

Christmas was good, aside from losing Stza on Christmas Eve.  Molly was spoiled much more than I had anticipated.  Glenn was home and it was so good to be able to see him again.  He came over on my birthday morning before I was awake and cooked Ray and I my favorite Hawaiin breakfast.  He made Loco Moco and peanut butter banana pancakes.  It was so good.  12 of us later had dinner at Hana Yori then came back to my house to play board games.  It was the best birthday I've had in years.  I worked on NYE and it was a blast.  It was the first time in years that I actually celebrated.  I made a lot of money and got to hang out with some of my favorite people.  The rest of my break was spent hanging out with family and Molly - it was really great.

I am becoming quite frustrated with my weight.  I'm actually not real bothered by the weight more so than my flabs.  My A1C was great the last draw that I had, but my TSH was not so good.  I've doubled on my meds so hopefully that helps, I just feel like losing weight is so difficult with all of these health issues.  Normally I can lose weight, no problem, so this is frustrating.  I need to workout more.  I am so damn busy that I find it difficult to make time to work out.  Whenever I do have the time, I always feel as though I should be doing something more productive around the house or something.  I need more motivation.  Perhaps I should just start doing some workouts at home.  .....it's just so annoying.

I met with a tattoo artist for my next piece.  I am going to have Amber Olsen tattoo a custom piece for me and I'm pretty excited.  I always feel bad at the thought of dropping so much money on a tattoo, so I never have gotten the fairly large pieces that I'd like to get.   I've decided to finally start on everything that I want.  I've seen her work before and trust that she will come up with something proper for me.  I told her I want a Phoenix/Peacock bird.  Phoenix's are so easily made to look ugly that I wanted to bring some qualities of a peacock with it.  I want a phoenix for the symbolism of a re-birth, but also wanted to incorporate the meaning of the peacock, which is acceptance and openness.   When Dominic died, I really felt like the entire process allowed for me to be re-born.  And with that re-birth, I really had no choice but to accept it.  With my acceptance of his death, I have made efforts to accept all of the things that I cannot change.  This is very huge for me, as acceptance was something that took a long time for me to grasp.  I have found a lot of growth through the loss of him.  Amber loves adding flowers to her work so I told her that if we could incorporate April, August, and December flowers - that would be rad.  That would incorporate Dom, Mo, Ray and myself.  I told her that I'm into antique/vintage things  - so we'll see what she comes up with.  She said she's going to draw up 3 or 4 things for me to choose from.  It will be a pretty substantial piece on my upper arm and full of color.  I'm super stoked.  Once we're finished with that I am going to finish up my chest piece.   I plan to turn what I have now into victorian scroll and in a font close to calligraphy write, "This Too Shall Pass", I'd like a feather pen coming off of the last 's' in 'pass' - I'd like it to be grey and black and pretty clean and basic.  My parents always said that to us growing up and the older I get the more relevant that phrase seems.  Everything is fleeting.  The good and the bad.  It all passes.  Because of that, I do my best to be present.  I basically live by that.

I've been growing my hair out.  Needless to say, I wear hats all of the time.  I always feel like such a scumbag.

I'm rambling now.  I should just go to bed.

Stza James 2002-2012

Lots has happened since my last post.  I am so very sad to say that our beloved Stza has passed away.  Though he was extremely high maintenance and expensive, he was Ray's first real companion.  He was his best friend and with him through everything for nearly 11 years.  The structure of our lives were built around him and though it has been a few weeks since he died, it still feels weird, a little empty, often lonely, and very quiet without him.  We came home Christmas Eve around 10:50pm from my Dad's Christmas Eve gathering.  He was lying there, on the floor, and looked as though he was seizing.  His body was going and we're not sure if his mind was still there.  We dropped everything and ran by his side.  We began crying in hysterics and Ray knelt down beside him.  He talked to Stza, telling him it was okay to go as I ran to the refrigerator to get his insulin screaming, "No!  No, not yet!"  I injected him with triple the amount of insulin he normally gets thinking that, if he was acting this way because of his sugar - perhaps I could get it down.  I knew it wasn't his sugar.  I told Ray I'd take him to the ER right then, and he continued to deny my offer.  I think we knew what was happening.  It all happened so fast.  There was a few minutes between seizing.  He laid there, so helpless.  Ray just talked to him.  He told him that he was his best friend and how much he loved him between sobs.  He seized again for a moment and, again, lost control of his bladder.  I knew what was happening.  His breaths got more and more shallower by the second.  He took his final breath.  He laid in Rays arms.  He passed away at 11:13pm.  I've never felt so sad for someone before.  I know Stza had the best life that he could possibly have, and that no other family could have possibly given him everything and I am not even sure I am sad for Stza, as I feel he is finally resting peacefully and not sick anymore.  It's Ray that I am heartbroken for.  Ours lives instantly changed the moment Stza took his last breath.  Everything became more quiet.  I miss him.  I know Ray misses him.  And I know Beatrice most certainly misses him.  He was a snuggly, barky little fella and our lives will not be the same without him.

I'll never forget you, guy.

my little rosies.

i love ani difranco.

and tori amos.

lisa loeb <3

the indigo girls.....and hey, i'm not afraid to admit it - pink too.

......just been in an incredibly empowered mood lately.

I'm trying to get better at this thing.

I have either nursed or pumped my breasts  every 2-4 hours consistently for the last 3 months.  Shit sucks.  Breastfeeding is tough and you really have to commit to it.  It's become some sort of competition with me.  I'm determined to do it at least until Mo is 6 months.  Mostly because my milk helps her build immunity to diabetes.  I'd hate if she got it - it's the worst.  Word on the street is that if you live a raw diet for 30 days, it's possible to reverse diabetes, or at least stabilize sugars better.  I am hoping to give this a try at the start of the new year.  No way would I be able to be raw through the holidays.

The holidays are approaching and I've done really well with shopping early.  I am feeling way less stressed than usual for this time of  year.  I'm so excited to give everyone their gifts, it will be fun.

Ray and I are going to Chicago Friday to see Louis CK.  It will be the third time that Molly has spent overnight without us.  It is, however, the first time we will be out of town overnight.  I'm a bit nervous. I have the entire weekend off for some good face time with Ray and I can't wait.  We've both been working non stop since Mo was born, it'll be nice to enjoy each other for some time.

I have been weeding out a lot of "friends"as of lately.  Having a baby reminds me of when I was 23 and quit going to the bars all of the time.  It makes you realize who your real friends are, or who you just thought were your friends.  I've no time for any negativity in my life and when I find it lurking nearby, I quickly brush it off - or even write the person off and move forward.  My life has officially topped off with so much business, that I have no time for such things like, drinking all night, gossip, drama, or anything like that.  These things, I have found, typically are surrounded by going out to the bars constantly.  Since I don't go out - I really only have positives in my life.  It's really nice.  Working at a bar is difficult because sometimes the drama seeps through, however, I just brush it off and don't partake.  Waiting on people has always bowed well for interesting conversations, directly or indirectly.  Drunk people are funny and normally forget that the bartender isn't drinking and is not drunk.  It's comical at times.