I have been working away, steadily at my computer - all day. I have been quickly halted by news that one of my consumers has passed away.
He was diagnosed just this past June with Pancreatic Cancer. I know there's no good prognosis with Pancreatic Cancer - but good god, this happened so fast.
I just met with the family, and spoke with him, last week. I am just so sad.
So sad.
So, this is the worst part of my job.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
Get busy livin'
Well, I suppose I should write at least one more thing in here before 2015 is gone! What a year it has been!
Lucas Matthew Grohl Phillips was born at 11:38am on 3/7/2015. He was one month early and weighted 11.7 lbs. He is my miracle baby.
I will make a very long story short:
A few weeks before Luke arrived, I had been noticing a decrease in fetal movement. I had gone into triage 3 times in 1 week. I was stressed and anxious. My doctors continued to argue with me, wanting me to carry him until 37 weeks. I insisted we do an amnio at 36 wks just to check his lung development. At 34 wks, he already weighed nearly 9 lbs. I was terrified. Super super SUPER long story short - I stayed in the hospital starting 35 weeks with the agreement that they would monitor me twice a day, everyday until 37 weeks. Luke came via emergency C section at 36 wks and 1 day because he was dying. He was born black and blue as he was already losing oxygen. He was 11.7 lbs, which officially makes him the largest premature baby Memorial NICU has EVER seen. Of course he broke his sister's record.
It's a miracle that he is here. I was not going to stay in the hospital. I didn't want to be the overly worried mother. My sister basically made me stay. And I'm glad she did. It's because of her that Luke is here today. He's nearly 6 months old now and it's been a ride, for sure. I had a tubal performed and will never have another baby, again. Bittersweet. But I've accepted the fact that my pregnancies are far too risky. I have my amazing 3 children and can enjoy watching them grow. I already feel so lucky.
Luke spent 1 month in the NICU. It was not easy, but as always - we made it. He had colic from months 2-4 and appeared to break free from it around 4 1/2 mo. THANK GOD. It was much more difficult to bond with Luke than it was Molly. The entire experience was totally different. He's 6 mo's now and a bubbly, happy, amazingly independent baby! Ray and I FINALLY made it through. It was rough, to say the least.
Luke was born on 3/7 and was released from the NICU on 4/2 (Dominic's 4th birthday) and we closed on our home 4/13 and moved less than a week later. If that weren't enough, we got a pit bull puppy on 7/13. We are insane, basically.
Our new home is amazing. We moved to Osceola and our home is 2700 sq ft. Our old home was 900 sq ft. We finally have space! Twyckenham was perfect for Ray and I. It couldn't hold our growing family any longer. We have an amazing yard, neighbors, and school district.
Penelope Olive is our new pittie and she is just so sweet. She was already well behaved when we got her and Ray has done a great job training her.
Work is great. I work from home and travel into the field only a few weeks out of the month. I make my own schedule and just celebrated 1 year in May.
Life literally could not get any better.
I told my mom that the other day. They're so good that I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wait - I AM waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am hoping that we are just now getting back what we've worked and been so patient for. Hopefully that's just it.
Ray and I celebrated his 33rd birthday last night by going to Indy to see Foo Fighters. Naked Raygun opened for them and it was pretty neat. We met Luke and Emily down there. It was the first time in nearly 8 years that Luke and I actually hung out together. It was really nice. I never thought he and I would be friends again. We had a lot of fun.
Cyndi's mom died in February and that has been difficult for my sister and her. Merrily was the sweetest and I am so sad Molly never got a chance to meet her.
Liz and Dave just got engaged and that's exciting. Molly and I will be in the wedding and we're pretty happy for Liz. I also have a few pregnant friends who haven't made the announcement yet, and we're really excited about that as well. Rachel Emery had her baby, Quinn and I drove to Chicago to spend the day with those two. She's such a good mom already. Scarlett Orosz was born 2 weeks before Luke and Jessica is a great mom too. All of my friends are really good moms. Getting older is pretty interesting.
Molly began ballet classes last week for her 3rd birthday (she asked for them). Tonight is her 2nd class. She hasn't participated once and I was utterly mortified last week when she just acted like an animal the entire class. The owner says it's normal and that she just needs a few weeks to get used to the studio. Ray just sent me a photo of her playing blocks and wrote, "Dance classes are going well". Oh lord.
I did not go back to smoking after having Luke! I'm pretty confident you could call me a non smoker! So very exciting! I've gained a ton of weight, but at least I'm not smoking! Feels great!
I've been listening to new music that I just can't get out of my head. Here's one of my favorite songs/dances from SYTYCD (which is where I get a lot of my new music from).
Lucas Matthew Grohl Phillips was born at 11:38am on 3/7/2015. He was one month early and weighted 11.7 lbs. He is my miracle baby.
Newborn:
4-5 months old
I will make a very long story short:
A few weeks before Luke arrived, I had been noticing a decrease in fetal movement. I had gone into triage 3 times in 1 week. I was stressed and anxious. My doctors continued to argue with me, wanting me to carry him until 37 weeks. I insisted we do an amnio at 36 wks just to check his lung development. At 34 wks, he already weighed nearly 9 lbs. I was terrified. Super super SUPER long story short - I stayed in the hospital starting 35 weeks with the agreement that they would monitor me twice a day, everyday until 37 weeks. Luke came via emergency C section at 36 wks and 1 day because he was dying. He was born black and blue as he was already losing oxygen. He was 11.7 lbs, which officially makes him the largest premature baby Memorial NICU has EVER seen. Of course he broke his sister's record.
It's a miracle that he is here. I was not going to stay in the hospital. I didn't want to be the overly worried mother. My sister basically made me stay. And I'm glad she did. It's because of her that Luke is here today. He's nearly 6 months old now and it's been a ride, for sure. I had a tubal performed and will never have another baby, again. Bittersweet. But I've accepted the fact that my pregnancies are far too risky. I have my amazing 3 children and can enjoy watching them grow. I already feel so lucky.
Luke spent 1 month in the NICU. It was not easy, but as always - we made it. He had colic from months 2-4 and appeared to break free from it around 4 1/2 mo. THANK GOD. It was much more difficult to bond with Luke than it was Molly. The entire experience was totally different. He's 6 mo's now and a bubbly, happy, amazingly independent baby! Ray and I FINALLY made it through. It was rough, to say the least.
Luke was born on 3/7 and was released from the NICU on 4/2 (Dominic's 4th birthday) and we closed on our home 4/13 and moved less than a week later. If that weren't enough, we got a pit bull puppy on 7/13. We are insane, basically.
Our new home is amazing. We moved to Osceola and our home is 2700 sq ft. Our old home was 900 sq ft. We finally have space! Twyckenham was perfect for Ray and I. It couldn't hold our growing family any longer. We have an amazing yard, neighbors, and school district.
Penelope Olive is our new pittie and she is just so sweet. She was already well behaved when we got her and Ray has done a great job training her.
Work is great. I work from home and travel into the field only a few weeks out of the month. I make my own schedule and just celebrated 1 year in May.
Life literally could not get any better.
I told my mom that the other day. They're so good that I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wait - I AM waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am hoping that we are just now getting back what we've worked and been so patient for. Hopefully that's just it.
Ray and I celebrated his 33rd birthday last night by going to Indy to see Foo Fighters. Naked Raygun opened for them and it was pretty neat. We met Luke and Emily down there. It was the first time in nearly 8 years that Luke and I actually hung out together. It was really nice. I never thought he and I would be friends again. We had a lot of fun.
Cyndi's mom died in February and that has been difficult for my sister and her. Merrily was the sweetest and I am so sad Molly never got a chance to meet her.
Liz and Dave just got engaged and that's exciting. Molly and I will be in the wedding and we're pretty happy for Liz. I also have a few pregnant friends who haven't made the announcement yet, and we're really excited about that as well. Rachel Emery had her baby, Quinn and I drove to Chicago to spend the day with those two. She's such a good mom already. Scarlett Orosz was born 2 weeks before Luke and Jessica is a great mom too. All of my friends are really good moms. Getting older is pretty interesting.
Molly feeding Scarlett
Molly began ballet classes last week for her 3rd birthday (she asked for them). Tonight is her 2nd class. She hasn't participated once and I was utterly mortified last week when she just acted like an animal the entire class. The owner says it's normal and that she just needs a few weeks to get used to the studio. Ray just sent me a photo of her playing blocks and wrote, "Dance classes are going well". Oh lord.
I did not go back to smoking after having Luke! I'm pretty confident you could call me a non smoker! So very exciting! I've gained a ton of weight, but at least I'm not smoking! Feels great!
I really like this cardigan
I've been listening to new music that I just can't get out of my head. Here's one of my favorite songs/dances from SYTYCD (which is where I get a lot of my new music from).
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Holy smokes time has flown by!
Wow. It has been a very long time since I have blogged. So much has been going on. First, I am just a little over 31 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. This was very unexpected and certainly a surprise - especially because I was on birth control (again). I, of course, am nervous and anxious and worried and all of that, but I am excited too. Thus far, the pregnancy is going well. My numbers are looking good and I am hoping to have this little guy out of my belly in about 5-6 weeks. Though I am not 100% sure, I am considering getting a tubal ligation to prevent me from having any more children - ever again. The finality of it all makes me hesitant, but I am just not sure that I can do all of this again.
Finding a name was quite the struggle. Our 2 children have 2 middle names, so we have basically run out of anything that just 'came to us'. We couldn't agree on ANYTHING and the struggle was real. I don't even think we settled on a name until well past 20 wks. Finding out the sex of the baby always helps, but in this case - the boys names were the ones we were struggling with the most. Go figure. It appears that we conceived this little one around the time Naked Raygun played in South Bend (June 2014). They're one of my all - time favorite bands, so we considered naming him Regan, Raygun, and other slightly different spelling versions. We considered Max, Duke, and a few others - but again, we just weren't excited about any name. When I was pregnant with Molly, and before we knew she was a girl, we had thought that if she were a boy, we'd name her Owen Matthew. We re-visited that option and again - completely indifferent. Again, when Molly was just a bundle of cells, we considered Lucas Matthew for a boy. I loved it, but Ray HATED it. Basically, when we found out we were having a girl, it was a much easier decision.
Since we re-visited Owen Matthew, I threw out Lucas Matthew, again. Actually, I think Ray may have suggested it. I reminded him that he really didn't like that name but as always, with time - feelings change. I loved the name so much years ago when we first considered it because the name Lucas was the name of Ray's best friend in high school who passed away due to epilepsy. Matthew was the name of my best friend who passed away a few (4) years ago. I am a big fan of naming our children after people that are important to us, so I was all for it immediately. Ray, not so much. Well, this time, Ray was into it. So, Lucas Matthew it shall be. But then I realized that our 2 other children have 2 middle names. Dominic Raymond Danger and Molly Jo Louise. How odd to have that and then just Lucas Matthew. I really liked the idea of throwing in a favorite band or musician because we both love music and certain musicians and bands have shaped who we are as individuals. Though I loved the idea of putting Raygun in there as a way to influence him in the future on really good, basic punk rock music - I just didn't like the flow of it. Ray suggested Grohl, as he is a big fan of the Foo Fighters and Dave Grohl. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the Foo Fighters, but I do like Dave Grohl, and I love Nirvana, so what a great way to incorporate a name that, I feel, will live on through the test of time and good music as Dave Grohl (both mainstream and independent). At the time of the name discussion, Ray and I had been watching Sonic Highways - a docu-series created by Dave Grohl in regards to music throughout American History and certain states and how they were influenced by certain music. Well, what do you know? Dave Grohl highlights Naked Raygun in Chicago and tributes them to being the first real live show he'd ever been to, thus inspiring him to be in a punk band at 14 years old. He holds Jeff Pezzati in high regard, so I thought it was perfect. Done. Lucas Matthew Grohl, it is. I can't wait to meet him.
Work is going very well. We are considering buying a house. We actually found our dream house, but I'm not sure it's going to work in our favor. We have also considered living in an apartment for a year or two in order to save more money and allow time to build my credit to get a bigger loan. We have done a great job at saving money and it's the first time in my life that I've had this much in savings. Having two incomes is quite a difference.
Katy moved to Oregon in August and will be coming home to visit at the end of March to meet Luke. It's been 7 months since she left and it really has flown by. I found out I was pregnant just about 1 week after she moved, so I guess it really has been a long time. I'm hoping her time here doesn't fly by. I'm sure we can slow things down a bit by sitting on the couch all day and just eating and being lazy.
Tommorow will mark one year since the passing of DJ. We are currently raising funds and working toward building a sensory garden in his name. This is going to be a very big and expensive project. I am really excited to take the kids to see it. It's been a struggle without DJ. My dad has visited his grave everyday since he passed. I've actually heard that recently he has been going twice a day. It just breaks my heart. I am just really hoping Luke gets here safe and gives my family hope and happiness again. Cyndi's mom has been in very bad health and she has not been able to meet Molly yet. She has sent cards and money and celebrated her from afar, but she's been sick since Molly's been born and we haven't been able to connect. I am hoping that she is able to get better enough to meet her soon. It's not looking so positive, and that is just another thing my sister and Cyndi have to deal with. Merrily is seriously the nicest person I have ever known and I just hope she can feel like herself one day soon.
Molly is amazing and growing so fast. She is talking really well and displaying more and more her own personality and quirks. I am very sad that she won't be the only one running around the house soon. I'm sad that all of my attention won't be focused on her. I know she's going to be a great big sister though. She is so caring and kind and compassionate. She is truly my entire life. I could squeeze her to bits.
Sometimes I look at my life and can't even believe it's for real. I never really believed that I would have my own family. It's so strange. Ray and I have been making so many decision lately that have OUR families best interest at heart and it's a really surreal feeling to have. He is such a good dad and a really great partner. It's been 7 years already since we began this crazy adventure. I can't wait to see what the next 7 look like.
Finding a name was quite the struggle. Our 2 children have 2 middle names, so we have basically run out of anything that just 'came to us'. We couldn't agree on ANYTHING and the struggle was real. I don't even think we settled on a name until well past 20 wks. Finding out the sex of the baby always helps, but in this case - the boys names were the ones we were struggling with the most. Go figure. It appears that we conceived this little one around the time Naked Raygun played in South Bend (June 2014). They're one of my all - time favorite bands, so we considered naming him Regan, Raygun, and other slightly different spelling versions. We considered Max, Duke, and a few others - but again, we just weren't excited about any name. When I was pregnant with Molly, and before we knew she was a girl, we had thought that if she were a boy, we'd name her Owen Matthew. We re-visited that option and again - completely indifferent. Again, when Molly was just a bundle of cells, we considered Lucas Matthew for a boy. I loved it, but Ray HATED it. Basically, when we found out we were having a girl, it was a much easier decision.
Since we re-visited Owen Matthew, I threw out Lucas Matthew, again. Actually, I think Ray may have suggested it. I reminded him that he really didn't like that name but as always, with time - feelings change. I loved the name so much years ago when we first considered it because the name Lucas was the name of Ray's best friend in high school who passed away due to epilepsy. Matthew was the name of my best friend who passed away a few (4) years ago. I am a big fan of naming our children after people that are important to us, so I was all for it immediately. Ray, not so much. Well, this time, Ray was into it. So, Lucas Matthew it shall be. But then I realized that our 2 other children have 2 middle names. Dominic Raymond Danger and Molly Jo Louise. How odd to have that and then just Lucas Matthew. I really liked the idea of throwing in a favorite band or musician because we both love music and certain musicians and bands have shaped who we are as individuals. Though I loved the idea of putting Raygun in there as a way to influence him in the future on really good, basic punk rock music - I just didn't like the flow of it. Ray suggested Grohl, as he is a big fan of the Foo Fighters and Dave Grohl. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the Foo Fighters, but I do like Dave Grohl, and I love Nirvana, so what a great way to incorporate a name that, I feel, will live on through the test of time and good music as Dave Grohl (both mainstream and independent). At the time of the name discussion, Ray and I had been watching Sonic Highways - a docu-series created by Dave Grohl in regards to music throughout American History and certain states and how they were influenced by certain music. Well, what do you know? Dave Grohl highlights Naked Raygun in Chicago and tributes them to being the first real live show he'd ever been to, thus inspiring him to be in a punk band at 14 years old. He holds Jeff Pezzati in high regard, so I thought it was perfect. Done. Lucas Matthew Grohl, it is. I can't wait to meet him.
Work is going very well. We are considering buying a house. We actually found our dream house, but I'm not sure it's going to work in our favor. We have also considered living in an apartment for a year or two in order to save more money and allow time to build my credit to get a bigger loan. We have done a great job at saving money and it's the first time in my life that I've had this much in savings. Having two incomes is quite a difference.
Katy moved to Oregon in August and will be coming home to visit at the end of March to meet Luke. It's been 7 months since she left and it really has flown by. I found out I was pregnant just about 1 week after she moved, so I guess it really has been a long time. I'm hoping her time here doesn't fly by. I'm sure we can slow things down a bit by sitting on the couch all day and just eating and being lazy.
Tommorow will mark one year since the passing of DJ. We are currently raising funds and working toward building a sensory garden in his name. This is going to be a very big and expensive project. I am really excited to take the kids to see it. It's been a struggle without DJ. My dad has visited his grave everyday since he passed. I've actually heard that recently he has been going twice a day. It just breaks my heart. I am just really hoping Luke gets here safe and gives my family hope and happiness again. Cyndi's mom has been in very bad health and she has not been able to meet Molly yet. She has sent cards and money and celebrated her from afar, but she's been sick since Molly's been born and we haven't been able to connect. I am hoping that she is able to get better enough to meet her soon. It's not looking so positive, and that is just another thing my sister and Cyndi have to deal with. Merrily is seriously the nicest person I have ever known and I just hope she can feel like herself one day soon.
Molly is amazing and growing so fast. She is talking really well and displaying more and more her own personality and quirks. I am very sad that she won't be the only one running around the house soon. I'm sad that all of my attention won't be focused on her. I know she's going to be a great big sister though. She is so caring and kind and compassionate. She is truly my entire life. I could squeeze her to bits.
Sometimes I look at my life and can't even believe it's for real. I never really believed that I would have my own family. It's so strange. Ray and I have been making so many decision lately that have OUR families best interest at heart and it's a really surreal feeling to have. He is such a good dad and a really great partner. It's been 7 years already since we began this crazy adventure. I can't wait to see what the next 7 look like.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Memory Lane
Part of me wanted to stop at the houses to say hello - to catch up. Parts of my heart longed for the familiarity of their faces and voices. Flashes of years spent driving down these roads, surrounded by the beauty of the country side weighed heavy. Remembering the moments of genuine happiness and content made me sad that that part of my life seems so very long ago.
I have changed so much since those long drives to the countryside to see those faces that once were my family. I wanted to run into their arms and tell them of my stories and tragedies and how much I have grown and changed. But I remember that none of that matters. I caused far too much hurt and devastation to ever be able to recover any of those relationships with grace.
My eyes did not weep, my heart did. Sometimes I find myself stuck in daydreams of apologies and forgiveness. Often times, I forget that it is simply something that will never happen. That I will never be able to experience forgiveness. The daydreams are really nice, however.
I continued down the country roads, the sky so blue with enormous white clouds and felt the remorse, hard and heavy. I made a promise to never treat any one person or family with such carelessness. I have learned my mistake.
Nothing will bring a person out of knee - deep nostalgia like pulling into the driveway of the house that your child is playing in. As I pulled in, I remembered my life now. How beautiful it is, how amazing it is. How I am present for every moment that I am with this incredible person that I have created. For in that one moment of paralyzing, profound nostalgia, I was quickly reminded that everything is fleeting. Nothing lasts forever. As my child ran into my arms, so happy to see me, I released the sadness. I released the guilt and pain. I had allowed myself to be reminded of the wonderful times and the truth that I have destroyed it. But like everything else - I had to let it go. I must live in the present with my future. My bright eyed, curly haired, immensely happy little future.
Because all of that sadness is what brought me to her.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
I have lost 10 lbs and feel like I have completely undone all of it over this holiday weekend. I really didn't even eat badly, I just ate carbs - so I feel like a huge piece of shit.
And I got super sun burnt today because I'm a dummy.
Easter was awesome. Mo was super spoiled and loved hunting for eggs. Though my dad appeared to be very sad at some points through the day, I think he was happy he decided to have it. It was the most beautiful day, literally and metaphorically.
I am feeling the impending doom of the last few weeks of school. I just want it to be over without doing any of the work. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Guh.
And I got super sun burnt today because I'm a dummy.
Easter was awesome. Mo was super spoiled and loved hunting for eggs. Though my dad appeared to be very sad at some points through the day, I think he was happy he decided to have it. It was the most beautiful day, literally and metaphorically.
I am feeling the impending doom of the last few weeks of school. I just want it to be over without doing any of the work. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Guh.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
I got the job at Advocacy Links! I have only 2 weeks left of school and will be starting immediately. I am so excited to work and NOT be in any kind of school whatsoever for awhile. I really needed a break.
Easter is Sunday and my dad decided to have it. He wasn't going to as he felt pretty empty not having DJ there. One good pep talk with Christi and he decided to have it. Mo is old enough to finally understand what is going on, so I know she's going to have fun.
2 more weeks, kids. 2.more.weeks.
Yus.
Easter is Sunday and my dad decided to have it. He wasn't going to as he felt pretty empty not having DJ there. One good pep talk with Christi and he decided to have it. Mo is old enough to finally understand what is going on, so I know she's going to have fun.
2 more weeks, kids. 2.more.weeks.
Yus.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
it has been awhile.
Life without DJ is different and sad. My parents are still actively grieving (to be expected, it's only been two months). I went to the cemetery for the first time. Seeing DJ's name next to a fresh mound of dirt wasn't what made me sad, it was knowing that my father has spent every single day there since we buried him. I feel DJ around all of the time. I wish my dad could feel that too. He has beautiful large chimes at the top where his headstone will be. It will be a beautiful memorial and tribute to him when it's complete. My dad has spent most of these past two months designing it. I think of him lying there, in that beautiful casket, six feet under ground all of the time. It may sound morbid, but I feel more ill-at-ease that he was buried than if he would have been cremated. I just don't like the idea of him being cold (I am privy to how bizarre that sounds). Since he has been gone there has been this dull ache that just burrows itself beneath the surface of my family. It is lonely.
Dominic would have been three years old on the 2nd of April. I can't believe it was only three years ago. It still feels like yesterday every single day. I love to talk about him, but because I had such a short time with him I feel like I am constantly repeating myself. I miss him. Everyone experiences sadness in their lives, but this sadness that I feel, though very basic is still really deep. And heavy. And it's there every day that I wake up and fall asleep. It hasn't ceased and it certainly hasn't lessened. These past few months truly have sucked all emotion out of me and sometimes I feel far too indifferent for my own good.
I have been thinking about the option to have one last child. Ray and I have discussed it, but I am just on the fence and cannot seem to make a decision. After losing Dominic I had to make a decision. I had to decide whether losing another child - or maybe children was something I was willing to go through in order to have one alive and in my arms. My wanting another child outweighed my fear of losing another. And so I find myself asking the same question. Can I - or am I willing to lose another baby in order to get to another one? At this point, the answer is no. My fear of losing a child is ever so prevalent. Now that I have experienced both - losing a baby and seeing one grow and experiencing the incredible amount of joy and love and pride and awesomeness that comes with her tiny spirit - I think I would crumble to pieces to lose another. And I don't have the confidence that I would recover as gracefully. I might just have to throw in the towel and be done. As amazing as it is to hold them for the first time - I just cannot imagine losing one again too.
I am officially finishing my undergrad in less than one month. I have decided to take at least one year off before pursuing my Masters in Social Work. I have an interview tomorrow with Advocacy Links. The position is for a Case Manager. Actually, DJ's case manager will be the one interviewing me. She had called my sister looking for referrals and though I am not graduated just yet, she wants to begin the process so that I can begin training immediately upon receiving my degree. This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, by any means. It is however, a really nice thing for a resume and I will gain experience which is more than any recent grad could ask for. And the salary is nice - so I am pleased.
Replicant is going really well. I am unbelievably proud of Ray. His friend from high school has bought 40% of Replicant, so Ray finally has help. I know that it was difficult for Ray to make that decision, but I truly think this step will help him achieve his main goal. I am pretty sure in 10 years we will look back at the good old days when he was slumming it in our garage. His progression to a really nice shop, with really good employees/partners, and constantly upgrading is press (and everything else that is needed) will do us really well. It is exciting.
Molly is well. She is crazy smart and ridiculously independent. She is speaking brilliantly and I could squeeze her to bits. She really enjoy's being outside and I plan to make our backyard a toddler dream for this summer. If I get this new job, I will be working from home and my goal is to figure out how to manage having her at home while I work (though I have no expectations and have planned sitters until I figure that out). We have been to the park three times in the last two days. She wears me out.
I have changed my diet drastically and am not eating carbs, dairy, gluten, or sugar. Sounds extreme, and maybe it is - but I lost eight pounds in two weeks and my sugars have been on point and I have been able to cut my insulin in half! My A1C was 6, which is great and my doctor was thrilled with my blood work. I did not change my diet to lose weight, but finally finding something that helps makes me feel better. Though I have ate like shit the past two days, I actually look forward to being super diligent again. I only want to lose 10 more pounds and I would be satisfied - and I'd still be 20 pounds over my 'normal' weight.
I am trying to cram everything in since I haven't blogged in awhile. I think I have covered most of the important stuff. I am tired. Everyone is in bed and I have to be up early tomorrow. So, goodnight.
Dominic would have been three years old on the 2nd of April. I can't believe it was only three years ago. It still feels like yesterday every single day. I love to talk about him, but because I had such a short time with him I feel like I am constantly repeating myself. I miss him. Everyone experiences sadness in their lives, but this sadness that I feel, though very basic is still really deep. And heavy. And it's there every day that I wake up and fall asleep. It hasn't ceased and it certainly hasn't lessened. These past few months truly have sucked all emotion out of me and sometimes I feel far too indifferent for my own good.
I have been thinking about the option to have one last child. Ray and I have discussed it, but I am just on the fence and cannot seem to make a decision. After losing Dominic I had to make a decision. I had to decide whether losing another child - or maybe children was something I was willing to go through in order to have one alive and in my arms. My wanting another child outweighed my fear of losing another. And so I find myself asking the same question. Can I - or am I willing to lose another baby in order to get to another one? At this point, the answer is no. My fear of losing a child is ever so prevalent. Now that I have experienced both - losing a baby and seeing one grow and experiencing the incredible amount of joy and love and pride and awesomeness that comes with her tiny spirit - I think I would crumble to pieces to lose another. And I don't have the confidence that I would recover as gracefully. I might just have to throw in the towel and be done. As amazing as it is to hold them for the first time - I just cannot imagine losing one again too.
I am officially finishing my undergrad in less than one month. I have decided to take at least one year off before pursuing my Masters in Social Work. I have an interview tomorrow with Advocacy Links. The position is for a Case Manager. Actually, DJ's case manager will be the one interviewing me. She had called my sister looking for referrals and though I am not graduated just yet, she wants to begin the process so that I can begin training immediately upon receiving my degree. This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, by any means. It is however, a really nice thing for a resume and I will gain experience which is more than any recent grad could ask for. And the salary is nice - so I am pleased.
Replicant is going really well. I am unbelievably proud of Ray. His friend from high school has bought 40% of Replicant, so Ray finally has help. I know that it was difficult for Ray to make that decision, but I truly think this step will help him achieve his main goal. I am pretty sure in 10 years we will look back at the good old days when he was slumming it in our garage. His progression to a really nice shop, with really good employees/partners, and constantly upgrading is press (and everything else that is needed) will do us really well. It is exciting.
Molly is well. She is crazy smart and ridiculously independent. She is speaking brilliantly and I could squeeze her to bits. She really enjoy's being outside and I plan to make our backyard a toddler dream for this summer. If I get this new job, I will be working from home and my goal is to figure out how to manage having her at home while I work (though I have no expectations and have planned sitters until I figure that out). We have been to the park three times in the last two days. She wears me out.
I have changed my diet drastically and am not eating carbs, dairy, gluten, or sugar. Sounds extreme, and maybe it is - but I lost eight pounds in two weeks and my sugars have been on point and I have been able to cut my insulin in half! My A1C was 6, which is great and my doctor was thrilled with my blood work. I did not change my diet to lose weight, but finally finding something that helps makes me feel better. Though I have ate like shit the past two days, I actually look forward to being super diligent again. I only want to lose 10 more pounds and I would be satisfied - and I'd still be 20 pounds over my 'normal' weight.
I am trying to cram everything in since I haven't blogged in awhile. I think I have covered most of the important stuff. I am tired. Everyone is in bed and I have to be up early tomorrow. So, goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)