The shower of babies.

Today I attended my first baby shower since Dominic died.

Genesis is a dear friend of mine.  We have known each other for years.  Our friendship has had its bumps, but when Dominic died - she was right there by my side.  There are a few good things that come along with loss and all of the revelations that come after a loss.  Finding true friends is one of them.  And, in Genesis - I found a true friend. 

Genesis found out that she was pregnant right around the time that Dominic died.  I (of course) did not know this until a few months later when she made the announcement.  I was so happy for her - I am still so happy for her.  So when I received the invite for her baby shower, there was not one question in my mind as to whether or not I would go.  Of course I would go.

As the days before the shower approached I thought that, perhaps I should give her some of Dominic's stuff.  I have not done anything with the nursery and thought this may be a good way for me to start to figure out what I would want to do with the nursery.  A day before the shower I sifted through Dominic's things and found myself with three gift bags full of things she could use.  In the moment, it felt good - almost peaceful.  It was a bit sad (very sad) when I went through his clothes.  All that I wanted in that moment was to have a baby to put into those clothes.  Afterward, I had to lay down because the sadness was a bit overwhelming.  But I felt much better when I woke up.

The day of the shower came and Katy and I decided to ride together.  I had written a card to Genesis, explaining how these were Dom's things and thanked her for being such a good friend and how I wanted Gus to have some of Dominic's things.  We arrived at the baby shower and it was just that - showered with babies.  There is nothing wrong with this, as it is - obviously, the best place for one million babies to be.  This is just something that I had not thought of prior to my arrival.  I choked back my emotion and moved through it.  I then see Atticus.  Atticus is about three weeks older than Dom would have been.  He is beautiful and amazing and it was simply just so hard seeing where Dominic would be in growth and such thus far.  I ate my lunch and just fell blue.  Aside from the babies, I had counted, at least, three pregnant women.  And I just became more sad.  I asked Katy if we could go and if she could explain things to Genesis (and also asked if I was being bitchy or a baby, just to have confirmation).  As always, Katy had saved the day and I was able to break free just as the tears came pouring out.  I really did not want to make a scene on Genesis's big day.

I guess I just did not realize that maybe I was not ready for that.  Now I know, and I will adjust accordingly.  But, man do I miss Dominic.  ugh......