My health has never before been an issue in my life. I have always been, for the most part, fit and generally - healthy. My body has never experienced such a change as it did with Dominic. I look at photos from when I was pregnant and cannot believe that I was able to stand up, let alone walk all over campus and wait tables for 9 hours a shift. My belly was enormous and my breast were a very pretty sight.
During delivery my cervix had prolapsed (not completely - it was literally hanging by a thread) and the doctors had to sew it back into it's correct shape (because it had, not only, fallen out of me - but also came undone? or something? I still won't let Katy and Christi give me all of the gory details) and put it back into my insides. My vagina was so swollen for weeks that I was terrified to look at it. I would not look at it. Rather, I just had Katy look at it and reassure me that my poor, precious vagina would and was going back to its normal shape. It did (thank god) - and is even better than before. (Phew).
Four weeks after delivering Dominic was when I began to get very sick. I assumed it was the flu, but as the weeks went by and the pounds just fell off - I knew it had to be something else. By the time that I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease I had lost a total of 22 pounds. I was 118 lbs. Gross. My sister was constantly reminding me how gross I had looked. I am sure 118 would look good on someone who worked out to get there, but my 118 was no muscle - no fluid - it was gross. Once I was diagnosed I was pleased to find out that I only needed to be gluten free and my body would heal itself and could have another baby and it would survive (Dominic died because my body attacked him - once he was out of me - my body attacked myself). For about a month or two I was feeling great being gluten free (aside from the fact that it was as if I had the worst break up ever. A break up with a lot of my favorite things to eat).
In September I remember, specifically, the day where my vision began to blur. I think it was only one week of school that I was able to actually concentrate. From the second week of school through the second week of October, I simply could not concentrate. I felt overwhelmed and just was not understanding my classes. It was horrible. I had told myself a few times, "You know, Erin, this is just how it is now. You use to love school and now you hate it and you're stupid. Stop being a wuss." - You would think after all that I have been through with my body that I would be more self aware by now. I thought I was having an asthma attack when I had Ray take me to the ER. I never would have thought in one million years that I would have ketoacidosis and type 1 diabetes.
My diet and lifestyle has changed. I have to give myself four shots a day just to stay alive. I have been informed that I may not get Medicaid with my condition - so I am anticipating being even more poor than before. School is improving immensely and I have learned that blurred vision and lack of focus and concentration is a symptom of my disease. I am just happy to learn that it wasn't something in me that made me hate school (because I really do love to learn).
While I was in the hospital my doctor told me that, now more than ever, I need to quit smoking. My having diabetes is as if I had a heartache and my body simply cannot take smoking. This news sucked to hear. I mean, after all that I have given up this past year - now I have to give up cigarettes?!?!? I mean, Katy and I were already planning on quitting and I realllly want to quit - but I kind of wanted to do it on my own terms. Well, now I cannot.
My quit day is just a few days away. I have numbers for support groups and Katy and Christi are doing it with me. I want to be a non-smoker. I want it so bad. I am a little scared. But I really want this - I have for a long time. And if being married to an addict didn't teach me anything - it did teach me this: You gotta want it. And I do.
And because all things should come with a song:
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