Mindfulness

This past year has been fairly difficult on me.  I had nothing outwardly happen to me; I had the trauma from the previous five years fall heavy on me and I felt trapped for nearly 10 months.   I didn't even see it coming.  It just hit me, on my birthday, and I knew it was out of my control.

I had a lunch with my sister earlier on my birthday and at the restaurant we were talking about a childhood friend of ours who is now severely disabled by a freak accident, which led to a slew of health things, that, ultimately and unfortunately left him severely disabled.  We talked about how horribly sad that it was, how amazing he was in our youth (and from what she told me, as an adult), how amazing his wife is for spending every waking hour to be caring for him and their children while she works at least 20 hour a week.  We talked about how at any moment that could happen to any one of us and that could be our life.  Or we could be the partner, forever caring for our loved one.  Just like that, in the blink of an eye - everything could change.

Lord knows I know what that feels like.

When I came home from my lunch, Ray asked if I had heard what had happened to an old acquaintance of ours.  He further explained that she was in a coma and it appeared she would not be surviving this accident that had happened.  She was 32 years old.

I was shaken to my core.

This was the defining moment when my fear became utterly debilitating.

I felt fuzzy, like each day was running into the next.  I felt exhausted from trying to control everything by micromanaging.  I was tired of being the 'supermom', doing everything just right and having all of the right answers for everyone.  I felt like an asshole for becoming super judgmental regarding matters I had never previously cared about before.  I felt sick.  Not physically sick, just sick and tired.

I learned that I was deflecting from looking at myself.  I learned about my co dependence.  I learned how to contain my disturbing thoughts.  I learned that it is okay to not know what is going to happen.
I learned that it is very hard to become a mom and to become all consumed and to become extremely important to a human (or two).  I learned that a lot of women feel this way.  I learned that being a parent can be very lonely.

I know that I have a wonderful life.  I have the best partner, the most adorable and amazing children, the best family and friends and my dream job.  I am grateful.

My lack of mindfulness was not allowing me to appreciate it.

This song speaks to my soul.

There was a time when I would read about mindfulness and how to be present and all of the teachings of Buddha.  Even after Dominic died, I was extremely enlightened and felt alive and aware and awake to the beauty that surrounded my everyday life.

That became muddled after having children. The responsibility, the love, the selflessness, the importance of being their parent, the daily grind of no sleep, crying, changing diapers, feeding, packing lunches, managing the logistics of my family of 4, etc, etc, etc...... I could go on and on.

I lost myself.  I made excuses and blamed others.  I refused to take time for me.

It must have been a combination of the therapy, the few books I've been reading (recommended by my therapist), exercising, and this song - but it were as if the clouds lifted, I felt the relief and could do nothing but weep.

These words in this song are exactly what I needed to hear.

I needed to appreciate being here.

I needed to really feel the appreciation for being here - to be grateful deep within my soul.  To be in these moments, to smell the air and the grass (my favorite things to do), to be able to recollect a memory by how the morning dew runs down the windshield of my car.  I lost sight of all of these incredibly important things to me.

I wept and still weep when I hear this song because I feel more aware and happy than I have in a long time.

I feel free.

YOUTH

Shadows settle on the place that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.
We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.
And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this...
... and you caused it...
... and you caused it...
... and you caused it...
Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,
I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget,
My eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.
And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it

Sunscreen

I'm feeling very nostalgic lately.  

"Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

This lyric always rings true when I'm feeling this way.  

I use to think this song was lame - which is ironic because the entire point to the song is about just that. 

I hate to be that  person, but - having children gave me more perspective than I ever imagined I could have.  

So - here's the song:

In the end.

I have been working away, steadily at my computer - all day.  I have been quickly halted by news that one of my consumers has passed away.

He was diagnosed just this past June with Pancreatic Cancer.  I know there's no good prognosis with Pancreatic Cancer - but good god, this happened so fast.

I just met with the family, and spoke with him, last week.  I am just so sad.

So sad.

So, this is the worst part of my job.

Get busy livin'

Well, I suppose I should write at least one more thing in here before 2015 is gone!  What a year it has been!

Lucas Matthew Grohl Phillips was born at 11:38am on 3/7/2015.  He was one month early and weighted 11.7 lbs.  He is my miracle baby.

Newborn:

4-5 months old

I will make a very long story short:

A few weeks before Luke arrived, I had been noticing a decrease in fetal movement.  I had gone into triage 3 times in 1 week.  I was stressed and anxious.  My doctors continued to argue with me, wanting me to carry him until 37 weeks.  I insisted we do an amnio at 36 wks just to check his lung development.  At 34 wks, he already weighed nearly 9 lbs.  I was terrified.  Super super SUPER long story short - I stayed in the hospital starting 35 weeks with the agreement that they would monitor me twice a day, everyday until 37 weeks.  Luke came via emergency C section at 36 wks and 1 day because he was dying.  He was born black and blue as he was already losing oxygen.  He was 11.7 lbs, which officially makes him the largest premature baby Memorial NICU has EVER seen.  Of course he broke his sister's record.

It's a miracle that he is here.  I was not going to stay in the hospital.  I didn't want to be the overly worried mother.  My sister basically made me stay.  And I'm glad she did.  It's because of her that Luke is here today.  He's nearly 6 months old now and it's been a ride, for sure.  I had a tubal performed and will never have another baby, again.  Bittersweet.  But I've accepted the fact that my pregnancies are far too risky.  I have my amazing 3 children and can enjoy watching them grow.  I already feel so lucky.

Luke spent 1 month in the NICU.  It was not easy, but as always - we made it.  He had colic from months 2-4 and appeared to break free from it around 4 1/2 mo.  THANK GOD.  It was much more difficult to bond with Luke than it was Molly.  The entire experience was totally different.  He's 6 mo's now and a bubbly, happy, amazingly independent baby!  Ray and I FINALLY made it through.  It was rough, to say the least.

Luke was born on 3/7 and was released from the NICU on 4/2 (Dominic's 4th birthday) and we closed on our home 4/13 and moved less than a week later.  If that weren't enough, we got a pit bull puppy on 7/13.  We are insane, basically.

Our new home is amazing.  We moved to Osceola and our home is 2700 sq ft.  Our old home was 900 sq ft.  We finally have space!  Twyckenham was perfect for Ray and I.  It couldn't hold our growing family any longer.  We have an amazing yard, neighbors, and school district.

Penelope Olive is our new pittie and she is just so sweet.  She was already well behaved when we got her and Ray has done a great job training her.

Work is great.  I work from home and travel into the field only a few weeks out of the month.  I make my own schedule and just celebrated 1 year in May.

Life literally could not get any better.

I told my mom that the other day.  They're so good that I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Wait - I AM waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am hoping that we are just now getting back what we've worked and been so patient for.  Hopefully that's just it.

Ray and I celebrated his 33rd birthday last night by going to Indy to see Foo Fighters.  Naked Raygun opened for them and it was pretty neat.  We met Luke and Emily down there.  It was the first time in nearly 8 years that Luke and I actually hung out together.  It was really nice.  I never thought he and I would be friends again.  We had a lot of fun.

Cyndi's mom died in February and that has been difficult for my sister and her.  Merrily was the sweetest and I am so sad Molly never got a chance to meet her.

Liz and Dave just got engaged and that's exciting.  Molly and I will be in the wedding and we're pretty happy for Liz.  I also have a few pregnant friends who haven't made the announcement yet, and we're really excited about that as well.  Rachel Emery had her baby, Quinn and I drove to Chicago to spend the day with those two.  She's such a good mom already.  Scarlett Orosz was born 2 weeks before Luke and Jessica is a great mom too.  All of my friends are really good moms.  Getting older is pretty interesting.

Molly feeding Scarlett

Molly began ballet classes last week for her 3rd birthday (she asked for them).  Tonight is her 2nd class.  She hasn't participated once and I was utterly mortified last week when she just acted like an animal the entire class.  The owner says it's normal and that she just needs a few weeks to get used to the studio.  Ray just sent me a photo of her playing blocks and wrote, "Dance classes are going well".  Oh lord.

I did not go back to smoking after having Luke!  I'm pretty confident you could call me a non smoker!  So very exciting!  I've gained a ton of weight, but at least I'm not smoking!  Feels great!

I really like this cardigan

I've been listening to new music that I just can't get out of my head.  Here's one of my favorite songs/dances from SYTYCD (which is where I get a lot of my new music from).

Holy smokes time has flown by!

Wow.  It has been a very long time since I have blogged.  So much has been going on.  First, I am just a little over 31 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child.  This was very unexpected and certainly a surprise - especially because I was on birth control (again).  I, of course, am nervous and anxious and worried and all of that, but I am excited too.  Thus far, the pregnancy is going well.  My numbers are looking good and I am hoping to have this little guy out of my belly in about 5-6 weeks.  Though I am not 100% sure, I am considering getting a tubal ligation to prevent me from having any more children - ever again.  The finality of it all makes me hesitant, but I am just not sure that I can do all of this again.

Finding a name was quite the struggle.  Our 2 children have 2 middle names, so we have basically run out of anything that just 'came to us'.  We couldn't agree on ANYTHING and the struggle was real.  I don't even think we settled on a name until well past 20 wks.  Finding out the sex of the baby always helps, but in this case - the boys names were the ones we were struggling with the most.  Go figure.  It appears that we conceived this little one around the time Naked Raygun played in South Bend (June 2014).  They're one of my all - time favorite bands, so we considered naming him Regan, Raygun, and other slightly different spelling versions.  We considered Max, Duke, and a few others - but again, we just weren't excited about any name.  When I was pregnant with Molly, and before we knew she was a girl, we had thought that if she were a boy, we'd name her Owen Matthew.  We re-visited that option and again - completely indifferent.  Again, when Molly was just a bundle of cells, we considered Lucas Matthew for a boy.  I loved it, but Ray HATED it.  Basically, when we found out we were having a girl, it was a much easier decision.

Since we re-visited Owen Matthew, I threw out Lucas Matthew, again.  Actually, I think Ray may have suggested it.  I reminded him that he really didn't like that name but as always, with time - feelings change.  I loved the name so much years ago when we first considered it because the name Lucas was the name of Ray's best friend in high school who passed away due to epilepsy.  Matthew was the name of my best friend who passed away a few (4) years ago.  I am a big fan of naming our children after people that are important to us, so I was all for it immediately.  Ray, not so much.  Well, this time, Ray was into it.  So, Lucas Matthew it shall be.  But then I realized that our 2 other children have 2 middle names.  Dominic Raymond Danger and Molly Jo Louise.  How odd to have that and then just Lucas Matthew.  I really liked the idea of throwing in a favorite band or musician because we both love music and certain musicians and bands have shaped who we are as individuals.  Though I loved the idea of putting Raygun in there as a way to influence him in the future on really good, basic punk rock music - I just didn't like the flow of it.  Ray suggested Grohl, as he is a big fan of the Foo Fighters and Dave Grohl.  Personally, I'm not a big fan of the Foo Fighters, but I do like Dave Grohl, and I love Nirvana, so what a great way to incorporate a name that, I feel, will live on through the test of time and good music as Dave Grohl (both mainstream and independent).  At the time of the name discussion, Ray and I had been watching Sonic Highways - a docu-series created by Dave Grohl in regards to music throughout American History and certain states and how they were influenced by certain music.  Well, what do you know?  Dave Grohl highlights Naked Raygun in Chicago and tributes them to being the first real live show he'd ever been to, thus inspiring him to be in a punk band at 14 years old.  He holds Jeff Pezzati in high regard, so I thought it was perfect.  Done.  Lucas Matthew Grohl, it is.  I can't wait to meet him.

Work is going very well.  We are considering buying a house.  We actually found our dream house, but I'm not sure it's going to work in our favor.  We have also considered living in an apartment for a year or two in order to save more money and allow time to build my credit to get a bigger loan.  We have done a great job at saving money and it's the first time in my life that I've had this much in savings.  Having two incomes is quite a difference.

Katy moved to Oregon in August and will be coming home to visit at the end of March to meet Luke.  It's been 7 months since she left and it really has flown by.  I found out I was pregnant just about 1 week after she moved, so I guess it really has been a long time.  I'm hoping her time here doesn't fly by.  I'm sure we can slow things down a bit by sitting on the couch all day and just eating and being lazy.

Tommorow will mark one year since the passing of DJ.  We are currently raising funds and working toward building a sensory garden in his name.  This is going to be a very big and expensive project.  I am really excited to take the kids to see it.  It's been a struggle without DJ.  My dad has visited his grave everyday since he passed.  I've actually heard that recently he has been going twice a day.  It just breaks my heart.  I am just really hoping Luke gets here safe and gives my family hope and happiness again.  Cyndi's mom has been in very bad health and she has not been able to meet Molly yet.  She has sent cards and money and celebrated her from afar, but she's been sick since Molly's been born and we haven't been able to connect.  I am hoping that she is able to get better enough to meet her soon.  It's not looking so positive, and that is just another thing my sister and Cyndi have to deal with.  Merrily is seriously the nicest person I have ever known and I just hope she can feel like herself one day soon.

Molly is amazing and growing so fast.  She is talking really well and displaying more and more her own personality and quirks.  I am very sad that she won't be the only one running around the house soon.  I'm sad that all of my attention won't be focused on her.  I know she's going to be a great big sister though.  She is so caring and kind and compassionate.  She is truly my entire life.  I could squeeze her to bits.

Sometimes I look at my life and can't even believe it's for real.  I never really believed that I would have my own family.  It's so strange.  Ray and I have been making so many decision lately that have OUR families best interest at heart and it's a really surreal feeling to have.  He is such a good dad and a really great partner.  It's been 7 years already since we began this crazy adventure.  I can't wait to see what the next 7 look like.

Memory Lane

Today as I was driving out of the thick of Elkhart,  entrenched in the directions of my GPS,  I drove upon a town that I once called home.  I was able to put my phone down and enjoy the drive through memory lane.  As I was driving, this song came through my speakers.  With the windows down and the music booming, I fell extremely nostalgic and partly sad.

Part of me wanted to stop at the houses to say hello - to catch up.  Parts of my heart longed for the familiarity of their faces and voices.  Flashes of years spent driving down these roads, surrounded by the beauty of the country side weighed heavy.  Remembering the moments of genuine happiness and content made me sad that that part of my life seems so very long ago.

I have changed so much since those long drives to the countryside to see those faces that once were my family.  I wanted to run into their arms and tell them of my stories and tragedies and how much I have grown and changed.  But I remember that none of that matters.  I caused far too much hurt and devastation to ever be able to recover any of those relationships with grace.

My eyes did not weep, my heart did.  Sometimes I find myself stuck in daydreams of apologies and forgiveness.  Often times, I forget that it is simply something that will never happen.  That I will never be able to experience forgiveness.  The daydreams are really nice, however.

I continued down the country roads, the sky so blue with enormous white clouds and felt the remorse, hard and heavy.  I made a promise to never treat any one person or family with such carelessness.  I have learned my mistake.

Nothing will bring a person out of knee - deep nostalgia like pulling into the driveway of the house that your child is playing in.  As I pulled in, I remembered my life now.  How beautiful it is, how amazing it is.  How I am present for every moment that I am with this incredible person that I have created.  For  in that one moment of paralyzing, profound nostalgia, I was quickly reminded that everything is fleeting. Nothing lasts forever.  As my child ran into my arms, so happy to see me, I released the sadness.  I released the guilt and pain.  I had allowed myself to be reminded of the wonderful times and the truth that I have destroyed it.  But like everything else - I had to let it go.  I must live in the present with my future.  My bright eyed, curly haired, immensely happy little future.

Because all of that sadness is what brought me to her.

I have lost 10 lbs and feel like I have completely undone all of it over this holiday weekend.  I really didn't even eat badly, I just ate carbs - so I feel like a huge piece of shit.

And I got super sun burnt today because I'm a dummy.

Easter was awesome.  Mo was super spoiled and loved hunting for eggs.  Though my dad appeared to be very sad at some points through the day, I think he was happy he decided to have it.  It was the most beautiful day, literally and metaphorically.

I am feeling the impending doom of the last few weeks of school.  I just want it to be over without doing any of the work.  I don't think that's too much to ask.

Guh.

I got the job at Advocacy Links!  I have only 2 weeks left of school and will be starting immediately. I am so excited to work and NOT be in any kind of school whatsoever for awhile.  I really needed a break.

Easter is Sunday and my dad decided to have it.  He wasn't going to as he felt pretty empty not having DJ there.  One good pep talk with Christi and he decided to have it.  Mo is old enough to finally understand what is going on, so I know she's going to have fun.

2 more weeks, kids.  2.more.weeks.

Yus.

it has been awhile.

Life without DJ is different and sad.  My parents are still actively grieving (to be expected, it's only been two months).  I went to the cemetery for the first time.  Seeing DJ's name next to a fresh mound of dirt wasn't what made me sad, it was knowing that my father has spent every single day there since we buried him.  I feel DJ around all of the time.  I wish my dad could feel that too.  He has beautiful large chimes at the top where his headstone will be.  It will be a beautiful memorial and tribute to him when it's complete.  My dad has spent most of these past two months designing it.  I think of him lying there, in that beautiful casket, six feet under ground all of the time.  It may sound morbid, but I feel more ill-at-ease that he was buried than if he would have been cremated.  I just don't like the idea of him being cold (I am privy to how bizarre that sounds).  Since he has been gone there has been this dull ache that just burrows itself beneath the surface of my family.  It is lonely.

Dominic would have been three years old on the 2nd of April.  I can't believe it was only three years ago.  It still feels like yesterday every single day.  I love to talk about him, but because I had such a short time with him I feel like I am constantly repeating myself.  I miss him.  Everyone experiences sadness in their lives, but this sadness that I feel, though very basic is still really deep.  And heavy.  And it's there every day that I wake up and fall asleep.  It hasn't ceased and it certainly hasn't lessened.  These past few months truly have sucked all emotion out of me and sometimes I feel far too indifferent for my own good.

I have been thinking about the option to have one last child.  Ray and I have discussed it, but I am just on the fence and cannot seem to make a decision.  After losing Dominic I had to make a decision.  I had to decide whether losing another child - or maybe children was something I was willing to go through in order to have one alive and in my arms.  My wanting another child outweighed my fear of losing another.  And so I find myself asking the same question.  Can I - or am I willing to lose another baby in order to get to another one?  At this point, the answer is no.  My fear of losing a child is ever so prevalent.  Now that I have experienced both - losing a baby and seeing one grow and experiencing the incredible amount of joy and love and pride and awesomeness that comes with her tiny spirit - I think I would crumble to pieces to lose another.  And I don't have the confidence that I would recover as gracefully.  I might just have to throw in the towel and be done.  As amazing as it is to hold them for the first time - I just cannot imagine losing one again too.

I am officially finishing my undergrad in less than one month.  I have decided to take at least one year off before pursuing my Masters in Social Work.  I have an interview tomorrow with Advocacy Links.  The position is for a Case Manager.  Actually, DJ's case manager will be the one interviewing me.  She had called my sister looking for referrals and though I am not graduated just yet, she wants to begin the process so that I can begin training immediately upon receiving my degree.  This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, by any means.  It is however, a really nice thing for a resume and I will gain experience which is more than any recent grad could ask for.  And the salary is nice - so I am pleased.

Replicant is going really well.  I am unbelievably proud of Ray.  His friend from high school has bought 40% of Replicant, so Ray finally has help.  I know that it was difficult for Ray to make that decision, but I truly think this step will help him achieve his main goal.  I am pretty sure in 10 years we will look back at the good old days when he was slumming it in our garage.  His progression to a really nice shop, with really good employees/partners, and constantly upgrading is press (and everything else that is needed) will do us really well.  It is exciting.

Molly is well.  She is crazy smart and ridiculously independent.  She is speaking brilliantly and I could squeeze her to bits.  She really enjoy's being outside and I plan to make our backyard a toddler dream for this summer.  If I get this new job, I will be working from home and my goal is to figure out how to manage having her at home while I work (though I have no expectations and have planned sitters until I figure that out).  We have been to the park three times in the last two days.  She wears me out.

I have changed my diet drastically and am not eating carbs, dairy, gluten, or sugar.  Sounds extreme, and maybe it is - but I lost eight pounds in two weeks and my sugars have been on point and I have been able to cut my insulin in half!  My A1C was 6, which is great and my doctor was thrilled with my blood work.  I did not change my diet to lose weight, but finally finding something that helps makes me feel better.  Though I have ate like shit the past two days, I actually look forward to being super diligent again.  I only want to lose 10 more pounds and I would be satisfied - and I'd still be 20 pounds over my 'normal' weight.

I am trying to cram everything in since I haven't blogged in awhile.  I think I have covered most of the important stuff.  I am tired.  Everyone is in bed and I have to be up early tomorrow.  So, goodnight.

Dominick Joseph

I have so much to say but not many words or much heart to say them.  DJ died on Saturday the 1st of February.  It has been 10 days and my life still seems so empty.  I still feel so cold.  The day was too sad for me to recall on this.  It was a day of panic and devastation.  My heart is hollow, I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

I stare at his obituary as if this hasn't really happened.  I look at photos of him or of him and I and I still feel like he is here but yet feel so empty because he isn't here.  The grief is so different from any other grief.  Is it all the same?  Am I constantly and continuously grieving every loss along with this one?  I don't know.  My life just feels so numb.

Of course DJ was medically fragile.  It is all that I have ever known.  But once you are told over and over and over that your brother won't live past age 3 or 7 or 10 and he consistently proves everyone wrong, you begin to live with them as if every 'normal', healthy person in your life.  Did my family and I take for granted his life by living it alongside him as though he would or could outlive us?  I don't know.  At the same time, we have all prepared for this time.  I mean, he was constantly reminding us that he could go every time with every emergency visit to the hospital and stay in Intensive Care Unit.  I could tear this all apart and try to (over) analyze it - as I do everything.  I could think of all of the things that I would do differently - as I always do.  But I won't.  He was my older brother and disability or not, I know our relationship would have been the same regardless.  I cannot have any regrets ever about him.  He was my brother and I loved (love) him immensely.

As he laid there, lifeless I could do nothing but snuggle him and tell him profusely how much I love him.  I couldn't say it enough times.  And I don't think it matters how much you tell someone that you love them.  When they lye there lifeless the love pours out of you and you can only hope that half of it absorbs into the air, their spirit, their body.  I wept over him for what  feels like hours.

I don't know how many people have to die to make me feel as though I no longer exist.  With every person that I love infinitely dies, I feel as thought bits of me goes with them.  Am I even whole anymore?

DJ was the glue to my family.  That is certain.  My heart is so heavy and with every deep, grieving sigh that I breathe I remember how it felt approaching his body.

I just can't believe he is gone.  My family is broken.  I cannot even begin to tackle comforting my parents.  I don't even know how to do it.  I know what it is like to lose a child and there is nothing that can be done.  So I just sit with them.  I sit and I try to make them feel better with moments of laughter and hugs.  I just feel so helpless.

sleepy time

I am officially the owner of a minivan.  Don't laugh.

I was able to squeeze 10 good years out of the Aveo.  She was no longer 'safe' to drive a toddler around in.

The search for a vehicle was stressful and deciding whether or not to take out a loan for a newer vehicle was tough.  I opted to pay in full.  The last thing I want are car payments.

I must say, I dig my minivan.  It's pretty rad.  It's much bigger than the Aveo - I am actually pretty positive the Aveo would fit inside this van.  It's fun.  It gets me to and fro, so I suppose it's serving it's purpose.


I am interning this semester at the YWCA.  I am working the crisis desk and begin next week.  I am pretty excited and nervous at the same time.  I am growing anxious thinking of finding employment after graduation.  I am just not sure if I should continue my education right away or not.

I have been looking into getting Molly into gymnastics at Gymnastics Michiana.  I tumbled there as a child up until high school.  They have a toddler program that runs 8 weeks at a time and I think I'm going to enroll her this summer.

I am tired, and it's late.  I always blog when it's late and I have to be up early.  Such a waste of time and thought.

G' night.

It's a new year, I'm glad to be here...

This song is the greatest.  I typically listen to it every New Year.  This is the only good thing that ever came out of my friendship with Levi.  Word up.

Ray bought me an ipad mini and I have been obsessed with it, so this is the first time I have typed on an actual keyboard in awhile.  It feels funny.  My left shift key also decided to stop working again, so that's annoying.

It's 2014!  Fucking crazy!  School starts next week, I thought it was suppose to start tomorrow and was pleasantly surprised when my vacation was extended by one week.  Whaddddupppp.

Christmas was exhausting.  Molly had a blast opening ALL of the presents - even the ones that I had wrapped under our tree that were not for her.  Regardless, she has now mastered opening presents.  My girl.

As I type this, we are experiencing a 'blizzard'.  Blizzard?  I dunno.  It's fraking cold and snowy and shit is suppose to be gnarly tomorrow.  I have spent nearly 95% of my vacation in my house and am feeling a little stir crazy, if that is not apparent through my text.

Ray fucking spoiled me this year and gave me one million gifts.  I truly was not expecting half of what he got me since we have a child now.  He had Dana's dad make me a ring, bought me an ipad mini, purchased a ton of clothes from alternative apparel, got me a vaporizer, a new super cozy blanket, and a ton of candles, and some kitchen stuff.  What the hell.  Best gifts ever.

We spent NYE home and I kicked out the Breaking Bad series.  Pretty good shit.  I throughly enjoyed staying in this year.  Going out always sounds good in theory, but sucks ass once I am actually out.  I realize more and more just how introverted I have become.  It's quite opposite from who I used to be.

I'm blogging because I'm stir crazy and not because I have any sort of decent ability to actually convey what I have done or how I feel.  So I guess I'll stop now.

Good day.

2013 in review

Ray and Mo rode these bikes.

While I rode this bike.

We had a membership to the zoo.  So we went... a lot.

Ray moved his shop out and mo cannot jump from boxes anymore.

......or get ink all over her face.

She wasted a $10 bag of Stevia.

We weaned from nursing and had many naptimes like this:

My mom got Molly a piano and she LOVES it.

 I got a pair of vintage glasses.

 We found Lydia a better home with Jerry.They are bff's

 I dyed my hair blonde.

We dog sat Tegan a lot.

I was unable to bathe often. And frequently looked like this.

We lost Buddy.

And my favorite chair broke.

I partied hard with Andrew WK

And got a lot of tattoo work done.

Molly got a bigger diaper bag.

And dressed as a lion for Halloween.

I became better friends with this girl.

And these guys both came for a visit.

I thought this meme was the funniest ever.

 We dressed as Wizard of Oz characters for Halloween

 I wore this hat A LOT.

 And studied A TON.

 Had some of the best talks with this lady.

 And went to Chicago a few times to get my hair done.

I found out these are gluten free and rejoiced.

And then I dyed my hair purple.

I broke into Plinko.

 I remembered Garth's 'diva water'

I chased this naked butt all over the house.

 

And was able to witness her grow into quite the ham.

This really resonated with me.

“Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo.
I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now.I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again.”

Author Unknown

Long December

It is the start of December and I have only one week left of classes.  I have grown weary from this mundane semester.  Actually.  I don't know that it is mundane, per se.  I think I just accomplished everything that needed to be done much earlier than I ever have before and perhaps that is why I am just so over it.

I had to conduct my own research for my capstone this semester and it had to be on something specific to South Bend and crime.  I did mine on burglary rates and clearances in SB.  My professor (who is also head of my department) said it needed to be as good a scholarly article, which made it far more daunting than it needed to be.  In the end it wasn't so bad.  I wrote 25 pages and feel really good about it.  This is my last semester with any CJ classes.  It's kind of sad.  Next semester I am finishing up my minor in Sociology.  I am seeking an internship with the JJC and am pretty stoked on it.  If all goes well, I may be able to obtain employment with them right out of school.

Winter break is quickly approaching and as always, I am excited for the break.  This will be my very last opportunity to actually have a break around Christmas time.  It bums me out that once I get a real job I can't just take multiple days off all willy nilly around the holiday.  Total boner killer.  It's realizations such as this that makes me want to just go to Grad School so I can fuck off a little longer with no job, spend more time with Molly, and come out with more opportunity for more money.  Regardless of any position that I get in my field, it's simply not a lucrative field.  So that kind of sucks.

Carrie and Vince had a memorial for Art on Sunday as his parents decided to have a very small, family only gathering for his funeral.  I saw faces that I haven't seen in 10 years and it was weird, awkward, but a bit nostalgic.  Arthur had a 'fiance' and she was there.  She is very young and I am sure that if Arthur were alive, he probably would have been mortified by her antics.  I went into the whole situation of meeting her negatively.  She had been posting from Art's fb page, which I already find completely distasteful, and her grammar and tact lacks greatly.  So, I was already put off by her.  Katy and I would talk about how crazy she is and I would just remind her that if Art were here he would just tell us to be nice to her.  He was super nice and rarely did he put anyone down.  I knew that he would simply just want us to be nice to her.  The memorial was only a few hours long and half way through I looked at Katy and asked if she thought we should introduce ourselves and give our condolences.  Katy nodded her head and we made our way up to Abbie.  Our conversation was bizarre.  She was oddly combative with me once she grasped that my name was Erin (she asked 3 times).  She asked if I was the girl whose name Art tattooed on his body.  She then asked if I had tattooed his name on my body (to which I quickly replied no).  She aggressively stated that Art talked about me 'all of the time' and I felt extremely uncomfortable.  We went back to our seat as soon as we could and I was pretty upset.  She said much MUCH more, but it's not worth blogging about.  She basically told me things that Art told her that were not true.  The basis to the stories that she told me were true, but everything else was not.  Art obviously had told her these things because she would not know them otherwise.  It just upset me that Art believed whatever it was that he told her.  It was nothing bad or negative, it was just different from what actually happened.  His perception of what took place may have magnified his love for me and perhaps that is why she was a bit aggressive and combative with me.  Given she is substantially younger than I (and obviously Art) I am sure she felt compelled to state her exact place in his life.  Regardless, I had not anticipated such an exchange and it knocked the wind out of my sail.  It was very strange.

Afterward, Annie and I drove past Art's old house on Franklin.  Of course we were nostalgic, so we drove to old Plinko.  It didn't take much to break in, but I don't think Annie thought that I would actually do it, so seeing the look on her face was pretty priceless.  I took many photos of the house, which I will post at a later date.  All of the wiring had been taken out.  The walls were gone.  There was about 1 or 2 feet of drywall, plaster, etc. thick on the floor throughout the entire house.  There were no counters or appliances - I don't even think I saw support beams (which I realize was super unsafe).  Bob (our old landlord) died about a year ago and he owned the house as it was paid off.  I am not entirely sure what they're doing with it, but it has been vacant since we moved out and I really think they're going to level it.  It's a shame, really.  With some work that house could be beautiful.  I always loved the layout and if I had the money, would totally revamp it.

There is something a little comforting in the fact that it will be torn down, however.  That place holds so many memories for so many people that I don't think any other person living there would be appropriate.  My life after that house basically crumbled.  Maybe the house should crumble too.  My life, much like the house after destruction, was rebuilt and made beautiful.  I imagine that is also what will happen to that corner once the mess is cleaned up.
Symbolic.  I can dig it.

 I'm typing without my glasses and while lounging on the couch.  The strain is a bit much.

Mr. Budders.

There are no words to describe the sadness and heaviness that weighs on my heart.  Buddy was the first  being that I loved unconditionally and selflessly.  He had the best life and was loved dearly.  I will never forget him and the tremendous amount of love he filled my heart with.  I wish nothing more but for him to be with Dominic playing ball and giving kisses relentlessly.  

03/21/2003-11/2013

I love you so.